


Five Months, Month I, Kageyama Version

by Cautiously_Dauntless



Series: Five Months (Kageyama Version) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Bullying, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sugawara is a complete and utter mom, Unknown Past, figuring it out, hints of Oikage - Freeform, sugamommy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-03 05:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 47,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8698420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cautiously_Dauntless/pseuds/Cautiously_Dauntless
Summary: Kageyama and Hinata have developed a reasonably friendly (considering that it's Kags) relationship during their freshman year. In second year, they became even closer and Kags has developed a small crush on Hinata and prepares to ask him out, and things looked good for the pair in the beginning of third year-Until Hinata's parents get a divorce. His world is turned upside down and suddenly he's preparing for college. He stops contacting Kageyama, he drops out of the Volleyball Club, and when Kageyama does see Hinata it looks like he's getting a bunch of bruises... but where are they from?Kageyama has no choice but to find out.





	1. Month I, Scene I

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Five Months, Month I, Hinata Version](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8675398) by [Cautiously_Dauntless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cautiously_Dauntless/pseuds/Cautiously_Dauntless). 



> Hello, if you're here then it's probably because of my other Five Months work from Hinata's perspective.
> 
> but if you're not, here's a link to the first chapter:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/8675398/chapters/19888663

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: THIS IS NOT A TEXTING-BASED STORY. THIS IS JUST WHAT I CHOSE TO BE THE FIRST CHAPTER, ALL THE OTHER CHAPTERS ARE AT LEAST SOMEWHAT OKAY WRITING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TEXTING-BASED STORIES, OR WERE COMPLETELY MISLEAD BY THE FORMAT OF THIS CHAPTER, PLEASE FORGIVE ME

**Hey, Sugawara**

 

**Hey, Kageyama**

**What’s up?**

 

**There’s someone I like**

**I need help**

 

**Really?**

**What do you need help with?**

 

**I want to confess to them**

**But I’m afraid that I’ll scare them off**

**They’ve said that I’m scary before**

 

**Oh**

**Then be gentle**

 

**But how?**

 

**You want them to go out**

**with you, I presume?**

 

**Yeah**

**But how should I ask them out?**

 

**For starters, don’t say ‘go out with me’**

**You need to ASK them out**

**If they’ve said you’re scary,**

**that’s a really big drawback**

 

**But I’m not sure if he’s being**

**honest about me being scary**

 

**but there's still the chance**

**that he DOES think you're scary**

**Wait**

**You’re gay?**

 

**Yeah…**

**Is that a bad thing?**

 

**CALLED IT**

 

**Ok...?**

 

**Are you close?**

 

**Yeah i guess**

 

**Exactly how close are**

**you?**

 

**Well, during our second year,**

**These two guys died in a car**

**accident**

**It turns out that one of them**

**was a friend of his**

 

**And he went into mourning?**

 

**Yeah**

**He literally asked me to hold**

**him while he cried**

**Now he trusts me with every**

**single thing in his entire life**

 

**Ah**

**That’s good**

 

**Can you help?**

 

**Yes I can**

 

**thank you so much**

**Alright**

**So here’s an outline of what**

**I think you can say...**


	2. Month I, Scene II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first and second scenes are mostly context knowledge like with the Hinata version

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol hi

“I want to tell you that I like you,” I bow at a perfect ninety degree angle. “You are my everything, and I’m always thinking about you. Please go out with me.”

I stand up straight.

The wall of my room is unresponsive, but I let out a small cheer on the inside. This was the first time I’ve done it without stuttering, without tripping over my feet, and without just plain giving up in the middle of it. Pride fills my fluttering heart. I’m going to confess, I want to confess to him on Friday.

Today is Tuesday…

My heart jumps up to my throat at the thought.

Ok, nevermind. Next Friday. Yes. I need more practice. I really want him to go out with me. I mean, we’re really close, so he’ll probably accept, but still. Everything has to be perfect.

_ But what if he doesn’t accept?  _

The everlasting question lingers in the back of my mind.

And so I answer myself.  _ You do not know just how many time’s I’ve practiced this confession. Hours upon hours of practice, so many times for just those three simple sentences. There’s no  _ way _ it can go wrong. _

But can it?

I love Hinata.

Of course he’ll accept.

Right?

I begin to pace back and forth down the length of my room.

Hinata, Hinata, Hinata.

I want him to be happy. I want him to smile.

And I want to be with him. I want to protect him, I want him to be with me so I know no one else is harming him.

I love him.

_ Please accept. I don’t want to hear anything else. I don’t want to hear that I’m not good enough for you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading this far people


	3. Month I, Scene III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama makes Hinata agree to talk to him during lunch break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a while, people! I have a lot of projects and midterms to study for and all that stuff.
> 
> Don't forget to check out the Hinata Version of Five Months! Thank you everyone for the support.

And so I vowed.

And since, Hinata’s been avoiding me.

And that is literally all I know.

I don’t know where he got the idea. I don’t know how he got the idea. I don’t know why he got the idea. I don’t know why he followed through with it. I don’t know what that idiot is thinking.

I guess it kind of started a week ago. (Today is Wednesday.) Usually he doesn’t miss a whole bunch of school, only a day at most if he’s sick. But this time, he was out for four days straight, including a whole weekend.

He was vice captain of the Volleyball Club, and he just _quit_. At 23:34 (11:34 pm) the night before he was first out, one of the team members got a few brief texts. Kimura is this second year kid on the team, and he got a sudden notice from Hinata saying that Hinata didn’t want to be in the volleyball club anymore. He wanted to focus on school. Kimura was inheriting his position.

Thing is, in second year when Ennoshita became the captain he told us that Hinata had to pick up his grades- otherwise he might get kicked from the volleyball team. So Hinata did, and has gotten better scores on his tests. So his quitting for academics wasn’t entirely out of place…

But it was still troubling.

Before, starting in second year, he started having new bruises and other marks on him, but not enough for me to go further after he said he fell down the stairs. Or, he slammed the door on his fingers. Once he said that Natsu accidentally stepped on him while he was playing with her. Many times he said he fell off his bike. Things like that became his excuses, and I didn’t question him.

But now, he’s making me question everything I know about him.

 _Is he_ really _the person I think he is?_

I texted him, and he didn’t respond. I called his cellphone, he didn’t answer. I called his family, finding their number through Kimura. His sister picked up, and said he was sick with some stomach virus and it wouldn’t go away.

He came back on Wednesday, but completely ignored me. We’re in the same class, but somehow during lunch break he slipped through my fingers. When he came back the bell rang and I couldn’t talk to him, and the same thing happened after school.

I don’t even know what happened.

I need to get him to talk. I need to find out what the fuck is happening.

I chased him down, but he suddenly pretended to be talking with some kouhai. I tried to meet him at the bike rack, but he was already speeding away.

Everywhere. Every time. Anytime. I’m trying so hard to come to terms with what’s going on, and I’m going nowhere. And there’s nothing I can do!

 _Hinata, was there something_ I _did?_

There’s a tingling on the back of my neck and glance up from my notes. My gaze immediately falls on Hinata, and I’m astonished to see that his eyes are glassy and, well, _pained_. His mouth is clamped shut, his brows drawn together and I notice yet another bruise above his eyebrow.

Hinata…?

Suddenly his vision focuses on me, and his panicked gaze instantaneously goes to the board. I can't help but continue to stare after him in wonder as he rapidly jots down some things. Rapid-fire glancing from the board to his papers, board to papers, trying to understand what he has missed in the last two minutes. He scribbles down some things, breaking his pencil and snatching another one from his bag. Glancing up and down.

He’s not ok. Far from it. I need to know. This is getting too out of hand.

But what if he doesn’t want to talk about it?

Fighting the urge to lunge over and interrogate him, I take an extra scrap of paper from my own bag. I look back at Hinata while my fingers close tightly on the smooth surface.

I can’t push him. Like Sugawara said before. I have to ASK him. Besides, if he’s anything right now it’s fragile.

Something that would make him want to quit volleyball must have devastated him. Completely, and utterly, something that he could not have possibly prepared for. I remember that when my teammates left me in Kitagawa Junior High, I felt like my entire life had been wasted. That _must_ be what he’s feeling now.

It looks like he has to take a breath but doesn’t know how.

It’s like…

I turn back to the board, taking down some things about polynomials and stuff.

All I know is that I need to help him.

I scrawl in the small space I have on the scrap paper, writing something about finding me at the gym because I’m worried. I try not to make it too complicated so he doesn’t get overwhelmed.

I hate to be this forceful, but who else can help him? The blond and black haired guy and the silver haired guy from Nekoma both died in a car accident last year. His sister is too close to him, and whatever’s going on must be something at home. None of our previous upperclassmen came back, and I know that Daichi and Sugawara are busy with college.

I’ve never been this forceful because before, he was always spilling the beans whether I wanted to hear it or not. And now that he’s hiding it…

It’s _profoundly_ unsettling.

He writes something else down in his notebook. I’m called in to answer a question, and I give an unthoughtful answer without second thought. I’m not paying attention enough to know if it’s correct or not, because as soon as the teacher turns around I pass the scrap of paper to the guy on my left.

“Give this to Hinata,” I mutter. He nods once and his arms swings around and dumps it on Hinata’s desk.

My heart skips a beat and I try not to watch as Hinata takes the note. Slowly I succumb to the urge, and my poor eyes fall on his deep cardboard-colored ones anyway, like rain comes rushing to the ground.

I look down to copy something down from the board. When I look up, my eyes are on the board but are naturally drawn to him. He finishes writing something on the note and looks up. I whip around before he can tell that I was watching him, and soon the note is back on the corner of my desk.

His gaze isn’t on me when I open the note.

He replied to be in small handwriting below mine, saying ‘ **Sure, I’ll be there. Thanks for keeping an eye out for me, but I don’t feel all that worried. I'll still talk to you though.’**

 _Liar_ , I want to write and send back. _You’re worried about something._

But I don’t.

I look back at him.

He doesn’t look back at me.

_Please, Hinata._

I can’t take my eyes off how tense he is.

_Please tell me what’s bothering you._

_I don’t want to see you like this._

_I really don’t._

I take more notes on whatever the teacher is writing on the board, barely able to keep my eyes off of Hinata. The bell ringing is only a dream at this point, and it seems that every ten seconds I'm glancing at the clock and time is going backwards, backwards, never to go forward.

And finally, _finally_ , that stupid bell rings.

I look over, and Hinata is lost in the crowd of everyone else sweeping him out of the room.

I’m unsure of what to do for a second, but then calm. Of course he knows where he’s going, so I won’t have to wait long.

Hesitantly I stand up, not even bothering to worry about closing my notebooks and all that shit.

  
Because I’m going to wait for Hinata.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honest to god I am so thankful that you all have read this far, it really means a lot to me. Comments, Kudos, Bookmarks and the like are appreciated, especially comments- suggestions would be very helpful! (I really need some fluff in here because I'm bad at making fluff). Bookmarks are also pretty important to me as a writer so I know that people are actually interested and following my work.
> 
> Next chapter is a long chapter! (I think)


	4. Month I, Scene IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata finally sees Kageyama and confessed to what's been up... well, most of it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to Its_Richard for being an amazing friend and proofreading and editing this chapter!
> 
> Thank you to returning readers for keeping this fanfic in your mind, and thank you to those who are binge reading because it shows that you're interested :)
> 
> All in all I'm really glad that I'm writing this.

I stroll over to the stairs, my head slowly turning left and right as I look for Hinata. A shade falls on the entirety of this side of the building, and the sudden wind creates an eerie effect.

A few vivid green leaves fall off the trees.

I sit down. I make to grab for something, and then-

In my haste, I forgot to get it.

Rounding the corner, I quickly punch the buttons for the carton of milk. It comes and before three seconds are over, that carton is sitting in the bottom of the trash can and I’m rounding the corner again.

Still no Hinata.

Where could he be?

Maybe he went back to the classroom, so I should wait where I am and he’ll probably come over any second now.

And wait, and wait, and wait. The breeze comes and goes, the sun coming in and out from behind the clouds on this mostly sunny day.

But my actual sun, Hinata, is nowhere to be found.

I get up. I sit down. I pace back and forth, my ears straining for the sound of footsteps.

I check my phone, and as it turns out, lunch break is almost halfway over. I’m on the verge of getting up from my seat and chasing Hinata down, but then he comes bustling around the corner.

And holy _shit_ does he look beat.

Looking around, he calls in a falsely happy voice, a voice I only know is trembling because I know Hinata better than anybody. “Kageyama-kun, sorry I’m late! I was-”

His eyes find me, and before I realize it I’ve jumped over to Hinata and cut him off mid-sentence.

“You’re _hurt_!” I exclaim. There’s a bruise forming on his jaw that wasn’t there thirty minutes ago.

I need to examine him more.

He’s holding some sort of box, and I rip it out of his hands and place it somewhere to my right. In a heartbeat I’m back in front of him, hand on his shoulder for some random reason. I make to touch it, that horrible, _horrible_ purple bruise, but he steps back and I stop. Instead, I try to examine the rest of his body.

My gaze trails down to his wrinkled shirt. There’s a small dirt stain on the left hip.

Does he have bruises here too…?

With one hand I peel up the shirt, hoping to see a relatively uninjured surface. Hinata flinches and tries to whack my hands away, but-

Holy _fuck_.

I’ve only exposed his stomach, and what I see is worse than I could have imagined.

A jagged cut is on his right, beside his naval. It looks like it was from broken glass or some other uneven, sharp surface.

Ribs showing through slightly yellowed skin.

A healing bruise tacked to his solar plexus.

What looks like a staple buried just above his belt. Another staple on his right side between his bottom two ribs.

More bruises.

More cuts.

Another staple.

My hand is finally shoved away with a surprising amount of force, and I’m a little relieved. I don’t think I would have been able to take it away myself, to stop looking at it.

I can’t believe it.

“Look at yourself!” is my only outburst, and it’s all I can think of in that moment. My tongue automatically clicks in distaste.

And all I can do is ask.

Because I have no answers.

“What’s this? And that, and that, and that and that too?!”

Poking at the newer-looking bruises with my finger is enough to make him give a tortured whimper.

Something snaps inside me. I can’t let him hide this from me anymore.

“Here, here, and here, all over the fucking place. Where are these from?!”

Hinata says nothing but stares down at my stomach.

“You crazy _idiot_!” comes out of my mouth before I can stop it, and he retreats another step.

His voice shakes badly when he brings himself to speak. His hand comes up to me, to my shoulder, to my face, brushing it aside with fingertips that smell of rubbing alcohol.

“I’m f-fine, I promise,” He bravely tries to smile, but it looks more like he’s grimacing in fear. “You don’t h-have to worry…”

And that pisses me off beyond measure. How can he still lie to me like this? What’s so bad that he can’t even tell _me_?!

“ _Worry_?!” I shout, and he falters still avoiding my gaze. I follow suit, taking a moment to breathe.

In.

Out.

I lower my voice to a speaking level, but my tone is still terribly accusing.

“You’re impossibly late, you _quit_ the volleyball club without warning, you _stop_ talking to me, you have bruise marks getting higher and higher in number by the _day_ , and you expect me not to _worry_?”

I stare at him, not sure of the reaction I want him to give me. My weight shifts from right to left, right to left, and when he doesn’t immediately respond my hands start to lace together.

His hand falls back to his side.

We hesitate.

I turn my head to the side, unable to look at him anymore. I’m done. I need to let go of my feelings, I need to let my worry spill out. I’m aware that my voice rises in volume as I go but I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself.

“Don’t worry, my _ass_ ! If I can’t worry about you, then who am I supposed to worry about? Who else is supposed to worry about _you_?!”

And I’m right. I don’t have anyone else I love so much. I don’t have anyone else I’m worried about. _And_ you- _Hinata- don’t look happy in the least._

He is holding himself back, he’s bottling up his feelings and keeping secrets, and my fist balls by my side in frustration.

And that’s not all!

“Hinata, the whole team hates me now because they think I've booted you off the team. It pisses me off, especially when I _never_ would have done that! Why?! What the fuck even happened?!”

Kimura is the only one who honestly believes me on that, because everyone could already see that Kimura was just a more-well rounded version of Hinata.

Hinata only stares at the ground and mumbles something to it. Some bullshit about studying.

But his next words, though unfinished, cut like a knife.

“The team doesn’t-” he begins to say, but can’t find his voice to say the rest.

He chokes on his own words, and his hand comes onto my shoulder for support.

_The team doesn’t what? Is someone being mean to you? Did you have a fight with someone? Are you afraid to speak because I’m captain?_

I can’t even see his eyes. I only see his curly orange locks sticking up every which way.

“The team doesn't what…?”

He doesn’t look up, and his shaking voice speaks these words more quietly than ever, but somehow they ring like a gong in my ears.

“It doesn’t… They don’t…”

He swallows and shrinks back a little.

“It doesn’t need me…” he trails off, shaking his head.

I don’t know what to say. Of course we need Hinata. Without him there’s a weird and awkward vibe, it doesn’t feel like a _team_ anymore.

But even if the team doesn’t need him, _I_ do.

“Nonsense,” with my hand still on his shoulder, I pull him closer and rest my forehead on his, as if to push my thoughts into his head through the contact. “Of course we need you. Last year Ennoshita, the captain _himself_ choose us as captain and vice captain.”

And that’s not all.

“Tanaka and Nishinoya backed him up. Yachi approved. Tsukishima even says that practice feels empty without you.”

“But-” He struggles to get away, and I let him. “I can’t ever be as good as you guys are-”

“That doesn’t mean we don’t need you.” My eyes flash. Is he seriously trying to tell me that he, the staple to our teamwork, doesn’t belong on our team? Well, Kimura looks up to Hinata. Tsukishima has treated Hinata a little bit like Sugawara when he was here. The underclassmen respect him by a lot. But the second I mention Kimura, Hinata’s voice cuts me off.

“He’s _better_ than me! He’s already pretty much replaced me- I mean _look_ at him! He was a libero once, so his receiving is way better than mine could ever be,” Hinata stops to sniff, and I can tell he’s on the verge of tears. “I taught him how to do the freak quick with his eyes _open_. He’s tall. He’s friendly. He’s got good grades. Good morals too. And as far as I know he’s got a happy family, and then…”

He lets out a desperate gasp, a sound that begs for someone, _anyone_ , to help him.

His last words linger in my mind as he mumbles out an apology. A happy family…? Does that mean that Hinata _doesn’t_ have a happy family? Well, it would make sense, but why the quitting of volleyball? Why the avoiding of me?

More questions whirl in my head as I absentmindedly forgive his apology.

Now his entire body is shaking.

“Hey,” I lower my voice, his pain bleeding over into my own heart. “Did something happen to your family?”

I know he heard me, but he says nothing. Careful to avoid his bruise, I lift his chin and force him to stare into my eyes. He’s furiously trying to blink back tears, but soon the first one leaks out, and then a second.

“Just nod or shake,” I plead. I desperately need to know. “Just nod or shake, Hinata.”

His head goes right by a centimeter, then left, right and left as more tears threaten to spill.

Maybe it’s the doubtful look I’m giving him. Maybe he’s fed up with whatever’s happening to him. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re alone. Maybe he wants to stop lying and hiding. Maybe it’s all of them, but whatever the reason, his shake changes to a nod.

Again and again, now sobbing with tears freely flowing down from his face. I feel helpless against it. He _needs_ someone, anyone, and _no one_ can help him.

Not even me.

And it hurts, it hurts worse than ever. I love him, I want to make him happy and now look at him- crying, in such pain- what am I supposed to do now? I can’t just let him cry.

I can’t let him suffer like this.

I can’t let this go on.

At the same time, I can’t do anything at all against this. Shame fills me, weighing down my chest. There has to be something I can do. Something to help him fight, something to get the old Hinata back to me.

I put my arm around his trembling shoulders and instinctively he leans on me, his previous warmth diminished.

“Come here,” I murmur in his ear, and tug him over to the steps and ease him down into a sitting position. I take a seat next to him, so close that our shoulders overlap- but even that doesn’t last long as he leans into my shoulder, shaking uncontrollably.

If I didn’t know Hinata so well, I would never have noticed that he’s still holding back his tears. And the worst part- I want him to cry. All of it. I want him to release everything that he’s wanted to tear from his chest since he left my side.

In short, I want to know my Hinata better, and I want to leave this other Hinata.

“Look, it’s ok to let it out,” I run a hand through those orange locks, cradling his head to my side.

Hinata says nothing, but lets out a low groan muffled by my shoulder that sends vibrations running throughout my whole body.

“Holding it in will make it worse later, you know,” his curls brush my fingers again. “Besides, this is why I asked you to come here in the first place.”

He makes a grab for what’s probably my hand, but misses and snags the hem of my shirt. After another minute of sobbing, he finally spills what’s on his mind.

I can tell he’s not telling me everything, but what he says- rather forcing out through stuttering- is all I need for now.

He’s talking. I have his trust, something I was so afraid of losing before.

His dad lost his job a few years back, I think is what he said. I bite my lip, stopping myself from asking more questions. Interrogating is _not_ the way either of us need or are ok with, so that’s not the way I’ll go.

But what gets me is his next sentence.

“I found out… I found out that Mom was cheating on him. I was so angry- the angriest… I-I’ve ever been in my life- and I said… some really h-hurtful things to h-her…”

The wisps of a few more words fall out, but I can’t tell what they are and I don’t care because he’s crying harder now, empty words coming out.

I grab his hand. I want to feel it holding mine, but I also want to support him.

But it’s not enough. He needs something more, something more… _substantial_. Something he can really trust with himself, something more than just a hand.

Oh god help me, because I don’t know what to-

A hug. He needs a hug.

“Do you want a hug?” I ask, because I’m not going to force him into anything.

He nods weakly, and it’s no later than two seconds that I’m squeezing him, hard, trying to telepathically tell him _you’re not alone, you’re not alone, you will never be alone as long as I’m here._

I pull him closer, and his arms come around mine, His scent wafts up to my nose, but it’s different now. It has a little rubbing alcohol, sure, but I also smell actual, legitimate alcohol, the stuff that’s in wine and beer and stuff. A little like my grandfather before he died.

What else is he hiding from me?

But then I have an answer as if Hinata read my mind. “M-Mom became an alcoholic when Dad d-d-d-divorced her… She was the love of his l-life, and then sh-she had the nerve to go and- it wasn’t fair to my f-f-father, and she just watched him _rot_ in pain b-because she’s not good… at this…”

The rest becomes obscured by sobbing. He tries to force the rest out, only to have his mouth flap open and closed like a fish gasping for air. I guess that’s kind of what he is now at any rate, and I just hold him close to me. Pat his back and run my hands through his hair again, because he seems to take comfort in that.

“And then when h-he gets up and leaves, she’s just like ‘you know what I really d-d-did love him’, and she p-p-p-promptly gets really dep-p-p-pressed over it and then now she can’t c-c-control her drinking problem… and I’m j-just so _angry_ at both of them-!”

I know.

I would be angry too.

But was he avoiding me because he didn’t want to take it out on me, or for fear of letting anyone know? I can’t tell, but the fact is that I’ve forced him and I’ve hurt him.

Why didn’t I know better?

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” I say, waiting for a response. I feel his arms go tighter as he tries to get something out, and all I get are three words.

But those are good enough for me.

Sorry. Say. Nothing.

_I forgive you, Hinata. I always will._

The silence, or almost silence save for Hinata crying, is bittersweet. The sunlight beyond the shadow we’re in gets brighter, brighter, and the sun comes out from behind a bank of wispy clouds, but that makes our shade get darker and darker by contrast.

_Hinata and I are sitting at the edge of an acid pond. I’m above water, and Hinata is below, separated only by where the acid becomes the air as a sheet. He pushes up, trying to get to me, and I can do nothing while he struggles, because I can’t lay a finger on the liquid._

_And now his fingertips are out. Poking desperately, unable to get anything else above the surface._

_I lean forwards and grasp them._

_I can do this._

_I can protect Hinata, and I will with everything I have. I will fulfill my dream, I will make him happy._

_I can._

_I want to._

_But also, I have to._

_Otherwise, who knows how far down into this pond Hinata will sink, and how long he can live before drowning?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all for reading this far! I can't say how much I appreciate this, and please comment so I know how I'm doing. What do you want to see happen with this? What about my writing style? (I've been told that it's a unique style and I'm kind of still experimenting because this is my first published fan fiction, so ya :/ )
> 
> Bookmarks and Kudos (Kuroos, hahaha) are also appreciated!
> 
> I try to update every week, but the next chapter I think is a little short so I might update faster.


	5. Month I, Scene V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama can't figure out what is up with Hinata. Oikawa pokes at him and tries to get the information out. Hints of Oikage here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for not publishing in a while, i wrote this chapter but forgot I didn't publish! (watashi no baka... :/ )
> 
> Same stuff about the Hinata version, don't forget to check that out /finish reading what I have if you didn't already.
> 
> Won't be uploading for Hinata for a while because a) I'm traveling this break and won't have a ton of time to write and b) I have to catch up with the Kageyama version first.

I sit in my room, tossing a volleyball back and forth between my hands, spinning it on the palms while taking in the all-too-familiar smell and texture of it.

I can’t get the moments out of my mind.

Pulling up Hinata’s shirt to find out just how much he’s been hiding. The vivid image of those wounds is etched into my mind like the mirror’s reflection I know to be me.

All of those bruises and that irregular cut on his naval. The staples at random locations and directions, as if he was trying to dodge someone chasing him.

His hands shoving mine away.

I accidentally drop the volleyball onto my face, which bounces and rolls to the other side of the room.

Shit.

I don’t bother trying to get it, instead letting my hands drop over my face.

No wonder he smells like alcohol. His mother is a drunk and his father is gone.

But of course that brings the assumption that he’s been lying to me and his mother has been beating him while drunk this whole time, ever since second year and it hurts to know that he’s-

But wait.

Hinata’s parents only divorced a month ago or something like that, and Hinata’s mother only became and alcoholic _after_ that, which means that his mother couldn’t have been beating him beforehand and that it wasn’t Hinata’s mother at all.

But Hinata said that his mother had been caught cheating on Hinata’s father, so maybe she started drinking because of that…?

No wait, cut. Of course, the first one makes sense. When our relationship was still fine, I went to his house and Hinata's mother was plenty nice and stuff- she wouldn’t dare harm Hinata or his sister Natsu.

Self harm comes to mind, but I dismiss the notion. Hinata wouldn’t do that, the timing of it is all wrong.

But maybe it’s something completely foreign to me. Hinata, as much as I hate to admit, didn’t tell me the whole story there.

Bullying would make sense, but by who?

Maybe he has a girlfriend or something that he didn’t me about and she’s rough with him. Maybe with sex, maybe not.

I doubt that he can even get a girlfriend though, but if even someone like me can fall for him, I guess that it’s not completely impossible.

Is he doing drugs and getting really clumsy when he's high?

Or is he telling the truth about Natsu stepping on him and slamming the door on his fingers and whatnot?

I dig my palms into my temples: I close my eyes. Overthinking, I know. But there’s nothing else to think about. I mean sure there’s volleyball, but this is so out of the ordinary that I just can’t let go.

There’s a knock or my door that draws me from my thoughts.

“Tobio?” it’s my father’s voice. “Are you there?”

For a moment I debate on pretending to be asleep, but then decide against it. “...Yeah,” Sighing, I don’t move from where I am. “What do you want?”

“It’s Oikawa-san, he’s come to see you,” my father pauses waiting for a response, but when he doesn’t get any he says that Oikawa is waiting at the front door, and rang the doorbell one hundred billion times already.

I don’t feel like getting up, but if Oikawa can take my mind of this with some volleyball then I suppose I’ll go with him.

I drag myself up and to the door.

“Morning, Tobio-chan,” he smiles and holds up a peace sign with pale fingers. “Long time no see.”

“It’s only been two weeks, Oikawa,” my fingers snare around the laces of my shoes as I tie them.

“You could show just a _little_ enthusiasm when you see your senpai!” he cries indignantly.

There’s nothing to say as I follow him out the door. We go down the stairs and out of the apartment building, and we get in his squat black car. Doors slam, the engine starts, and we’re off.

As we speed down the highway, the engine’s low and steady hum calms me down a little. The window makes that _vshhhh_ sound as I roll it up, because the wind is too cold in my face.

Clouds hang heavily in the sky, and it looks like it’s going to rain soon.

Oikawa doesn’t say anything until we go off the exit.

“Not in a talkative mood, are you?” when he stops he’s pulled up a little bit past the stop line and is halfway on the crosswalk, he casts a long look in my direction.

I look back at him; he has one hand on the steering wheel and the other supporting his head as he leans on his door.

“No,” I turn back around and stare out my window, also leaning on my own door. “The light’s green now.”

I expect him to turn left like he usually does in order to go to the gym where he usually takes me, but this time he turns right.

I frown and throw a dirty look at him as we get further away. What’s he doing, looking so casual?

“No volleyball today,” he says simply, as if that’s some kind of explanation.

“The fuck do you mean by that? Of course I-”

“Wait a minute, Tobio-chan.”

“Oi!”

“I need to concentrate because everytime I’m in a car accident it's on this intersection,” and indeed, his eyes go everywhere as he makes the turn to wherever we’re going.

He’s barely made the turn when I start speaking again. “Of course I want to play volleyball! I need something to get my mind off of some weird-ass shit, so just take me to that place and let’s _play_!"

I stare back out the window, the first signs of rain are already dotting it.

Right now, I’m praying that Hinata is safe. That he isn’t being hurt right now, physically or emotionally. In truth, he could be getting hurt right now for all I know and I can’t do anything about it.

My stomach lurches at the the thought, heart weighing down my chest.

He parks on the curb, surprising me. I sit up, and follow his beckoning finger up to his dorm. We take the stairs up to the second floor.

I apologize for intruding but no one’s there, and Oikawa takes me over by the arm and sits me down on the couch.

He picks up a stray volleyball on the floor. “Catch.”

It lands in my hands. I toss it back, and we play for a couple minutes.

At his suggestion, we leave the room, fetch out shoes, and leave. I follow him outside, but instead of getting in his car again we end up behind the apartment building.

He serves. I receive. Again, and again, and again. Soon I get so wrapped up in the way the volleyball spins, the way it bounces off my arms and goes off in some random direction ninety-nine percent of the time, that I forget about Hinata.

The sky slowly darkens, and my forearms hurt. I’ve tossed the ball so much that my fingers themselves feel sore.

We’re not really doing anything until I realize that I’ve missed today’s practice and that Kimura’s spammed my phone.

I still can’t believe that he’s Vice Captain.

I tell Oikawa that I should go home now. We get in the car.

“Did that help? With whatever?” Oikawa runs a hand through his hair.

I think for a minute. Well, it _did_ take my mind off of Hinata for a bit, but now I feel like I’ve run away from the problem rather than solving it.

But yes.

No.

“I’m not sure,” I say, wishing I could say something else. “I’m probably overthinking this.”

I can still feel his gaze on the back of my neck.

Is Hinata suffering right now? What is he doing? Is he crying? Does he need a hug, does he need someone to talk to? Or is he talking with someone else?

More questions circle my mind. I hate being so unsure like this. I want to _know._ I want to be sure. I want to have power, even if just a little, over the safety of the boy I love.

I need to know that he’s safe, which he probably isn’t, which itches in the back of my mind and makes my stomach turn over.

Soon we’re back on the highway and the clouds have begun to let loose a drizzle, which quickly becomes a heavy rain.

In the corner of my eye, I see Oikawa go to turn on the radio, but I stop him only with a hand. Usually I’d be okay to listen, even though I hate his taste in music, but this time I don’t think I want to listen to anything. I just want to wallow in silence in the company of the rain.

He withdraws his hand from the front to take mine. I flinch, but in the end his touch is gentle and I accommodate for when he squeezes a bit.

_If only it was Hinata._

“What happened, Kageyama?” he keeps looking out the windshield, through the wipers that sweep back and forth.

“I’m just frustrated,” I take a breath, resting my forehead against the cool glass of my window.

“Why?”

“I already told you that I’m overthinking a problem,” I don’t look at him, instead watching the blurry silhouettes of buildings zoom by.

“What kind of problem?” he prods.

“You can’t help with it,” I shake my head.

“You can tell me anyway, can’t you?” I can’t tell what his face looks like now.

“You wouldn’t car-”

“I do because it involves you.”

“It’s a friend’s personal issue,” At least what I’m saying isn’t a blatant lie. “Just leave me alone. It’ll pass.”

That last thing was more for me than for Oikawa.

“I want to know,” Oikawa squeezes my hand harder this time, the childish side of him showing through. “I want you to tell me.”

“I refuse.”

“Why?”

“I told you already!”

“If I can’t help with it, I can’t make it worse either!”

“Just shut up and let me think.”

He lets out an impatient puff of air.

My insides churn. What if Hinata is getting hurt right now? What if Hinata’s mother is drunk right now? What if Hinata is getting beaten by this unknown girlfriend? What if Hinata is on drugs? What if Hinata is getting bullied now?

Oikawa, thankfully, says nothing and keeps driving.

Eventually we pull up to my apartment building. He lets me go, and I thank him for taking me. He says he’ll be here same place, same time next week. I nod and close the car’s door.

The black car rounds the bend, and it’s a whole minute before I realize that I’m drenched, with my clothes and hair plastered to my skin. For a second, I pinch at it, trying to get it off while listening to everyone else walk around in the rain. Like me, they are silent and trying to get on with their own business, never minding others. 

Sighing, I turn around, go upstairs, and head straight to bed.

Laying up there, lights off, blankets over my head and curtains drawn, I can’t get rid of this strange tightness that’s come up in my chest.

Rolling over, I pick up my phone and leave a goodnight text for Hinata, knowing that he probably won’t reply.

I hope for Hinata’s health and wellbeing, even through this storm.

I hope that the weeds at the bottom of the lake are not yet tearing his legs apart.

I hope that I can save him from this poison, this acid pond, even if all I can do is hold onto his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all for reading this far! I can't say how much I appreciate this, and please comment so I know how I'm doing. What do you want to see happen with this? What about my writing style? (I've been told that it's a unique style and I'm kind of still experimenting because this is my first published fan fiction, so ya :/ )
> 
> Bookmarks and Kudos are also appreciated!
> 
> Please check out Hinata version!


	6. Month I, Scene VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama talks it out with Karasuno Volleyball Club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! For those who celebrate, merry Christmas, happy second(?) day of Hanukkah, and to others happy holidays! Happy late birthday to Kags! (it was on Dec 22.)
> 
> yay~~~~~~ ok let's get going!

I jump when the door to the gym opens with a clatter. The volleyball I’m holding drops and rolls off to the side, and I bend down to pick it up before seeing who it is.

“Good morning, Kageyama-senpai,” Kimura strides in, sliding the door closed behind him. “No surprise seeing you here at this hour.”

“Hi,” somehow I manage to stutter on the monosyllabic word. “Yeah, morning. What time…?”

“Right now it’s 5:46,” my eyes follow his purple dyed hair as he walks around a bit, stopping with his back to me. “Are you okay?”

He looks back at me.

“Hinata,” my hands toss the ball high, straight up and almost touching the ceiling. “I’m worried.”

“What happened?”

It lands back on the ground with a bang. “I’ll tell you more when the whole team gets here, but the long story short is that his parents divorced but the timing of stuff is wrong.”

“Oh,” he looks confused, but starts to stretch while we wait for the other team members. He’s a second year and “all-purpose middle blocker”, as coined by Hinata.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi come in at 5:49. Hoshino, first year libero, at 5:51 followed not thirty seconds later by Hishikawa and Fukao. The latter two are both wing spikers, second years, both the same height, and are dating.

Utaemon, our other setter (in the same class as Kimura), arrives at 5:54, and Tsujimura-kun, our first year ace, comes at 5:56. Some other people come in exactly at 5:59.

We’re all here.

Our managers said before that they wouldn’t be here, and I guess that’s a good thing.

I trust Ukai, Takeda, Yacchi, and this other girl that Yacchi wanted to take her place, but I think that maybe just the team would be better first.

They all gather around me, waiting for the usual stuff.

If only today was like that… usual… instead, I sigh.

I guess I’ll take it easy for now, because maybe it can help me simplify things.

“Everybody sit down, because this is going to take a while,” my voice echoes around the gym as I take the lead. “I know that some of you don’t think that this belongs in the volleyball club, but it _does_ involve one of our members and I want to discuss what’s happened.”

They exchange glances.

“As you know, Kimura here is now our vice captain, but I’m not going to talk about that. I’m going to talk about _why_.”

A hesitant pause.

“Hinata-san is what you wanna talk about, then?” Yamaguchi pipes up from my left.

“I’d assume so,” Tsukishima says from Yamaguchi’s right, my left.

I nod and continue.

“It’s been two weeks since he’s left the team,” I fold my arms. “I managed to get him to tell me why, but have _caution_ . You all are not to say a word about this to him, because if he hid this for so long, even from _me_ , it’s not something he would want other people to hear.”

Tsujimura-kun raises his hand. “Then why are you telling us? Wouldn’t he want to tell us himself? I… … well… it’s not like I _don’t_ want to know… but still. Why?”

“You should know because the last thing I want is for one of you to mistreat him, and for him to end up committing suicide.”

A murmur drifts in and out of the small crowd. Suicide might be going a bit far, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

“That’s not all, is it?” Kimura calls from somewhere in the back.

“No, it’s not. Building off of what I just said, I need help,” I lower my gaze. “I don’t know how to handle a situation like this, and on top of that I’m bad with every and any kind of social procedure that I have ever done.”

“Not surprising,” Tsukishima mutters under his breath.

“Oi!” I know he’s just toying with me, but I never was able to keep myself away from a retort to him.

“Alright, I’m listening,” Yamaguchi wisely breaks up the air between Tsukishima and I. “Tell us what’s happening, Kageyama.”

Before I know it, I’m letting out an enormous breath, closing my eyes and trying to calm down.

“Hinata’s parents got a divorce, and his father is gone,” my eyes meet Hoshino’s, and he nods in understanding. His father suddenly died when he was in middle school; he knows the kind of loss Hinata is feeling right now.

“And his mother?” Fukao sits next to Hishikawa in the front on my right.

“Now an alcoholic,” as I turn my head away, a collective wince comes back to me. Honestly, I don’t feel any different right now. “This is probably the most prominent source of his depressive state, but that’s not all.”

Biting my lip hurts, but I don’t know how else to cope with this feeling, this worry that’s cascading down onto me at the moment.

“For the third years,” as I mention the pair they both perk up a little. “Remember how Hinata suddenly started having bruises in the beginning of second year?”

They nod.

“You’re implying that Hinata’s mother is beating him?” Tsukishima asks.

“Yes and no,” he cocks his head a little. “Hinata’s mother only became an alcoholic a couple weeks ago, and before that she was the nicest person in the world. To say that she was beating him before this season started is to say that the net doesn’t exist in volleyball.”

“So it has to be someone else,” Kimura translates.

“But I’m not sure who. It could be bullies, but I don’t think that's the case because I would have caught them by now,” my gaze sweeps back and forth across the crowd. “This is where I need help.”

They think for a second.

“His father?”

I haven’t thought about that. But then- “that wouldn’t make sense. Hinata’s mother cheated on his father only six months ago, and that was when the marriage started to fall apart.”

“It doesn’t have to be a problem with the mother. Hinata could have something with him that his father hates.”

I can’t provide a rebuttal, because I don’t know Hinata’s father that much because- “that’s wrong. Hinata’s father doesn’t see Hinata every day because he’s at work. He doesn’t see Hinata during lunch time, nor in between school and practice. That also rules out Hinata’s mother.”

“What about self harm?”

“I already ruled that out. That idiot probably hasn’t even considered the idea.”

“He could have. You may have been with him for three years, and he may be a pretty open guy, but we still don’t know.”

“You’re right, but the timing is wrong. When Hinata was telling me about his issues, he was initially complaining about someone else,” I try not to meet Kimura’s eyes. “He said they had a happy family, and I asked him what had happened to his family… that’s how I got any of this information in the first place.”

“How about extra volleyball training?”

“He has fucking _staples_ in his side.”

“Really?”

“Do you think I’d lie to you guys about that?”

“No. My bad. Sorry.”

“Anyway, something that intense would have increased his skill by a tenfold.”

“I agree. Besides, no trainer in his right mind would keep this up for longer than a month or two.”

“So now what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Drugs? Maybe he himself also drinks and gets hurt while high.”

“A possibility…”

“I don’t have evidence against that from what he’s told me. In fact, it’s the most or second most probable on my list.”

“Failed surgery that made him clumsy?”

“Any kind of surgery would incapacitate him for days, maybe even weeks. He would have let us know about that.”

“Kageyama, you’ve questioned Hinata about his marks before, haven’t you? He’s given you perfectly valid solutions, why don’t you believe him?”

“I know he’s clumsy, but he was much better when we were first years. Also, he’s given the same excuse too many times, and I also know the face he makes when he lies. He has that expression whenever I ask him how he got those wounds.”

“Maybe he has an abusive girlfriend he hasn’t told us about.”

“I considered it. I have no way of knowing that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so I can’t eliminate that possibility. Theoretically, this also means that Hinata could also have bullies.”

“So what’s the list now?”

“His mother abuses him. Abusive girlfriend. Bullies. Alcohol/ other drugs. The excuses he’s given me. Which is basically the same list as I had before.”

I stare at my lap. This is going nowhere.

“Hinata could be getting hurt by one of these things now. Any of them. All of them.”

I clench my teeth.

“Should we investig-”

“No. I can’t say that he won’t notice, and I don’t want to scare him.”

“Then what do we do?”

“I don’t know,” I click my tongue and lower my voice. “This is why I asked you guys for help, dammit.”

“Kageyama,” Yamaguchi leaned forwards slightly. “For now, you need to think that each and every one these are in play before you go after any of them.”

“I know.”

“You don’t sound very convinced.”

“Because I’m _not_ ,” I respond. “I don’t want to imagine them, let alone believe them- these… these _things_.”

“You can’t deny that any one of them is the cause. You said it yourself,” Tsujimura-kun’s voice has sympathy in it. “Kageyama-senpai, you have to have patience. We can’t investigate. We can’t collect more data. This isn’t something that we can deal with now."

“But Hinata is still getting hurt…” my fist clenches.

Kimura comes over and kneels down beside me. As far as I’ve come with my feelings and as long of a time I’ve held them in, he is still the only one I’ve ever told that I’m gay, that I love Hinata. “Kageyama, listen to me. I know you’re worried, we all are. But you have to have patience.”

“How do you know that it won’t get worse? How do you know, Kimura?”

“I don’t.”

I grind my fingertips together, wringing my hands like I’m trying to twist my fingers off one by one. He’s right. I have to wait. But I can’t stop thinking, I can’t let this slip my mind. I want Hinata. I want the old Hinata back. I want him to stop suffering, I want him to smile again…

“Kageyama, I know you’re stressed about Hinata, but this is going to your head. You need to step back.”

I put my head in my hands. “There _has_ to be another way to do this. There has to be a way I can help him, there just has to be. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.”

Hinata, Hinata, _Hinata._

I love Hinata.

Why does he have to suffer like this?

“I know what you can do, Kageyama.”

My bleak gaze raises to find Kimura's black eyes. “Help me.”

“You’re the captain. You’ve got smarts, you know tactics, you’re good at rules, that stuff.”

I can’t see where this is going.

“I don’t like the strategy that I’m giving you, but it’s the only thing I can think of right now. You have to trust me with this, okay? Guys, this applies to you too.”

Slowly, hesitantly, we nod our heads. “Yeah.”

“Think of this as a set of statistics. Take away the fact that it’s Hinata, because I think you’re concentrating too much on that.”

“Ok…”

“Listen up. There is a stressed out team member. First, we know that his family is not happy, and that the fallout of this family has devastated him. Second, he is getting beaten, and we don’t know the cause.”

Tsujimura-kun catches on. “Third, we have only one other team member who can get information out of him.”

“Exactly,” the corners of Kimura’s lips turn up.

“Fourth, any team member outside of this one trusted team member is forbidden from trying to get this information,” Tsukishima continues. “And if any of those other team members try to contact the stressed player about these matters, the whole team fails without any chance of starting over.”

“Fifth, while the stressed player is also unable to give information to the other players, he also needs comfort and consolation from them,” Yamaguchi gets it.

And I do too.

“You’re putting this as a video game. A test, a way to prove what we’re worth,” I look back at the crowd in front of me. They nod.

“I need to think,” I say, not really knowing what else to do in the moment.

“You have as much time as you need,” Kimura pats me on the back, and everyone else falls silent. I stare at the ground.

_ At least they agree that I’m overthinking this, but do they really have to simplify this all that much? I love Hinata, but this might be a little bit over the top. I feel like… _

_ It’s reminding me of something…  _

_ Yes, that’s it,  _ _ I feel like doing this will just bring be back to my old ways from  _ _ Kitagawa _ _ Daiichi.  _

_ Shit. I really don’t like the sound of that. What if I do something wrong that screws everything up? _

_ And plus, I have no  _ _ guarantee _ _ that this is going to work, this isn’t a straightforward solution of cause and effect. This whole thing is so complicated, why does the only solution anyone can think of have to be be this? _

_ But then again, is cause and effect the way I really want to go? It just assumes that Hinata will react a certain way when I do a certain something, which is also objectifying him… in a sense. _

_ Ugh, this is annoying. _

“Think you can handle it, Kageyama?” Kimura stares back into my eyes.

Maybe he knows what’s  going through my head right now. “If you don’t want to, maybe we can-”

“Can you?”

The whole group says nothing for a dragging minute. Fukao is the first to say that he can’t think of anything. Hishikawa mentions taking turns every couple weeks to ask what’s going on, but Arima (one of our other wing spikers) argues that first it would be an overload for Hinata, and then says that it would make an unwanted disconnection between Kageyama and Hinata. 

No one else brings anything else up.

“Alright then,” I nod my head, gracious for anything at all but still annoyed that I have to put some distance between Hinata and I. I’ll try.”

Kimura pats me on the back again and smiles. “It’s better than a no. Now tell the team what we have to do now… Captain.”

I can’t help but feel a little better, even if I made no progress whatsoever. I can understand what I need to do now, even if I don’t know exactly how to execute. “Ok guys, I have a plan.”

“We’re listening.”

“Our stressed player is Hinata. I am the trusted team member. You all are the other players. Your task is to comfort Hinata without getting to close to him and without probing him for information. The information part is my job,” I look back at Kimura for confirmation.

He nods in approval. “Well said, Kageyama.”

Now, Hoshino is a pretty quiet guy, but when he speaks it’s a good idea to listen up.

With one hand, he brushes his white locks to the side, a definite signal that he is about to speak. “When someone is dying of blood loss, the first step is to find the source and block it off. Kuroo-senpai once said, ‘we're like the blood in our veins. We must flow without stopping. Keep the oxygen moving and your mind working’- it’s the same thing here, right?”

That quote right there is so comforting that I don’t even care that he used Kuroo’s two-year-old speech.

“Yeah.”

We exchange looks. _We have a way._ Or, at least, a more promising solution than my solitary and panicked blundering.

Kimura stands up, and I follow him. The rest of the team follows, sneakers squeaking on the shining gym floor.

I’m not the only one at the edge of this pond.

Hinata’s fingers are still enclosed in my grip. He’s still staring up at me through this pool of acid, trying to get out. He thinks I'm alone, but he's wrong. They’re behind me, all of us- Kimura, Utaemon, Hoshino, Fukao, Hishikawa…

I pick up the volleyball that I dropped earlier.

My grip on Hinata’s hand is getting stronger. I will be able to get him out. I will help him if it takes everything I have.

I love Hinata.

The sun shines in my eyes when I turn back around to the team.

“So guys… let’s go practice, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol hi guys, sorry if the mood was a little swirly/weird, I was listening to to blcd while writing this bc i was too bored of listening to actual songs XD (for you yaoi loving ppl here's the url, start at 24:57 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2pXeWRvUk8&t=1985s )
> 
> Comments, Kudos, and other are appreciated!
> 
> Please check out the Hinata version if you haven't already: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8675398/chapters/19888663


	7. Month I, Scene VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata thought the conversation was random, but... 
> 
> Basically after practice, there's a storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with the Kageyama Version, mwahahahaha!
> 
> ok it's not that funny

I asked Hinata to come to practice one last time, and threw in some random reasons just to convince him. After stuttering for a whole minute, he managed to squeak out what I think means "yes".

So here we are. Practice has ended, and Hinata looks exhausted. I told Kimura to hold back a bit so Hinata doesn’t feel too bad, but I think Hinata noticed. Other than that, the only thing that saved him from dying were his reflexes and muscle memory. And on top of that he’s been really unfocused, I had to push him out of the way and get myself hit by one of Hishikawa’s powerful serves. My rib cage still hurts.

And it’s only now that I realize it’s raining too hard for Hinata to bike home.

I’ve just finished tugging on a change of clothes when Kimura wistfully says, “That was unforeseen, wasn’t it?”

I turn to find him staring out the window, and then to Hinata, who’s already gotten changed, with his eyes glued to the floor, and shifting his weight from foot to foot.

“Yeah, um, a little strange…” Yamaguchi also takes not of Hinata’s nervous stature and glances at me with a knit brow. He sits down under the window next to Hoshino, and the pair continue to look at me, trying to silently ask for instructions.

After I nod at Hoshino, he touches his bangs and preaches into the empty air. “I guess. As if the sky wanted to rain just because we just got out of practice.”

I point at Tsukishima with the hand that’s not in Hinata’s vision, like the conductor of an orchestra.

“As if,” he tucks his sports goggles into his bag, putting on his regular black square glasses. He seems to be unsure of what to say at the moment, so he just tosses out some scientific concept that he knows the rest of us don’t understand.

As Tsukishima explains whatever theory it is, I see Utaemon try to come in, but stop him with the same hand. Even after Tsukishima’s voice fades, I still make Utaemon wait.

A zap of lightning… a clap of thunder…

With a single finger, I beckon him forwards. Thankfully, he knows exactly what he’s going to say. “Hinata-senpai, come to think of it, do you have a ride home? It’s dangerous to bike out there.”

He shivers and starts with a yes, but then quickly changes to a no. “No,” he says a little louder. “My mom’s unavailable and my dad-” for a split second, he looks like he’s about to cry- “is at work. Yeah, he’s at work. The, um, bus stop closest my house is a few miles away from it, and over some hills, so it would be dangerous to go that way…” he trails off.

Kimura purses his lips, seeing Hinata’s eyes flick around the room. _This isn’t good, Kageyama, he’s not better at all._

“It’s ok. I could probably just spend the night in here,” his tap on the wall is weak. He’s losing both physical and mental strength, and I need to help.

I’m the _only_ one who can help.

“You could come to my house and then I can ask my parents to give you a lift,” I deal the words out ljke playing cards, hoping he’ll take them. From out the door, my eye catches Tsujimura nod curtly.

“But what about the bike?” he gently touches the handlebars, as if it’s a monster that will bite him if he uses any force on it. “It won’t fit on the bus.”

I let Tsujimura into the room, who says, “You can leave it here. No one else uses this room anyway, so you can pick it up tomorrow. You could go with Kageyama-senpai again in the morning.”

Hinata’s hand nips at the hem of his shirt, his gaze pleading at me. I nod, and he gives a shaky nod back.

Of course, I need to make sure that everyone else is taken care of as I am the captain. In the corner of my eye, I notice that as soon as he broke eye contact with me, Hinata goes back to looking at the floor.

According to the team, Utaemon and Kimura are walking. That’s fine, they live pretty close and won’t be in too much danger of the storm. Tsujimura’s brother is picking him, Fukao, and Hishikawa up by car. I just hope that Tsujimura’s brother is a good driver. Tsukishima says that he and Yamaguchi are walking too, and the pair of third years still catch my hesitant look.

The gold eyes and the freckle-underscored brown eyes both meet mine. We file into the gym itself, along with everyone but Hinata.

Voice low, I start. “You two both live far away from here. Wouldn’t the rain and the storm be a hassle?”

Yamaguchi murmurs back, glancing at Tsukishima. “It will, but there are no other ways to get home. Our parents are working, Akiteru is in the middle of a date, and we both live exactly in the middle of two bus stops, and… yeah. We have to walk.”

Tsukishima shakes his head. “It’s not worth fighting over, not under these circumstances anyway. What you need to do is worry about Hinata, because to be honest he really doesn’t look good. We’ll be fine. Call Kimura if there’s trouble, and if he doesn’t pick up then call us.”

But I still have to ask. “Are you sure?”

Tsukishima quickly interjects. “Do you remember this morning, do you remember what threats could be in play? They’re _all_ ‘happening’ for now, so protect Hinata. Whatever happens to us is nothing compared to whatever keeps happening to him. If anything happens, we can pick ourselves up.”

“Alright… if you get sick, I’m gonna be pissed, but I understand. Good work, and goodnight,” I nod, scanning the large space around us. Hinata hasn’t come out yet.

After the rest of the team bids each other goodnight and good luck in the storm, I send my mother a quick texts telling them the situation, and head back into the club room to find Hinata’s yellow phone on the floor.

I pick it up, about to return it to its owner, but pocket it instead. Reaching down, I grab my bag, and sling it over my shoulder. “Hinata, let’s go before it’s too late.”

The distance between us feels greater than it should. I start out the door but Hinata doesn’t budge. "Hinata?”

He looks up.

“Are you ok?” _Can you even walk?_

He jolts. “Y-yeah, sorry,” he scurries past me like a mouse with his head bowed over, hands clutching at the strap of his bag as if it’s the last crumb he’ll ever find.

He’s halfway across the gym when I stop him. “Oi, wait up.”

I approach him as slowly as I can, not wanting to scare him. I don’t think he’s aware of it himself, but he’s trembling. As if a cat has cornered the mouse.

 _What’s he so scared about? He’ll be safe with me. His family should be fine._ “Call your sister and tell her you’ll be home late,” I dig the phone out of my pocket and wait for him to take it. When he gives me a look, I say, “You dropped it in the club room.”

He takes it and dials, and a long string of conversation follows. I stay silent.

“Hi. I won’t be home for a little while.”

A high but indecipherable voice on the other end, probably his sister Natsu.

“Yeah. How’s Mom?”

_What happened to his mother?_

“Since I’m not there, I won’t be able to stop her from drinking a whole lot for a while though, Natsu. But whatever you do, _don’t_ try anything. You hear?”

_Oh, I remember. He’s probably referring to his mother’s alcoholism. But what does he mean by ‘anything’?_

“Good. You know how she is.”

A pause. _He sounds genuinely concerned about his sister._

“So just go to bed if you can, ok? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

_‘If you can’...?_

“Goodnight,” after a beep or two, he pulls the phone away from his ear and sticks it into his pocket.

He looks like he wants to cry, and I want to throw my arms arouns him so badly, but I hold myself back. Turning, he asks me if my family knows or not. I reply yes, and hold open the door for him. He doesn’t catch it, but ducks under my arm instead.

We take off, me only a half step behind him, following him to the bus stop.

 _I wish you could tell me something. There is_ no _way you’re alright, and I love you. Why must you keep secrets from me, your teammate and friend? You said I can’t help, but would telling me do that much harm?_

My heart feels heavy as I wipe rain from my face. Off in the distance, I see a pair of headlights, and we slow down. The bus arrives at the stop at the same exact time we do, and I follow Hinata into the rectangular transport, picking a pair of seats in the back.

I sit next to the window, Hinata in the aisle, watching the hills of rural Japan slide by. Raindrops race each other down the window pane, and thunder booms in the distance. Of course, the ride is prolonged by the rain, and I continue to sit still.

Suddenly I feel a weight on my side. Tensing and wheeling around, I find that Hinata's-

He's... 

He's fallen asleep against me, breathing soundly...

And for the first time in weeks, his face is relaxed. No shivering, no knit brow, no hunching over in fear. It takes me aback to remember that this was how he used to be, this is the Hinata I remember. I remember that this relaxed stature, with his lips slightly parted like this, used to be how he always used to be.

_Oh, that hurts._

With a single arm, I touch his shoulder. He doesn't stir, and I sigh, running a hand through his orange curls. I can't get enough. I wish that it wasn't like this, I wish that there wasn't a sudden 180 degree turn in his personality, I wish that it wasn't like this.

Using the same arm, I reach around give him a squeeze, hugging him to my chest.

_Hopefully this will all work out for you._

_And just maybe, just maybe, I will confess my love to you._

_Maybe._

_Just... maybe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao check out Hinata's version if you haven't already


	8. Month I, Scene VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kags doesn't tread carefully enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry for being lazy about updating lol there were a lot of tests (Trying to skip a grade in Mandarin, like a two hour test god damn)

We eat dinner in silence, and I can’t help but notice the difference between Hinata’s old body and the one he has now. There’s an open cut on the base of his neck, but it’s too jagged to be a knife.

_ “His mother abuses him. Abusive girlfriend. Bullies. Alcohol or other drugs. The excuses he’s given me.” _

_ Hinata, what the hell am I supposed to do? _

My father calls across the table about some errand he forgot. My mother and I say it can wait, but he says it's for work and that he has no choice. He leaves, and my mother insists that she will clear the dishes while I go hang out with Hinata. 

Naturally, I take him to my room. I need this settled, and quickly, and besides this is the perfect opportunity. I close the door, edging closer to the bed as I speak. “Can we talk?”

In an effort to respond, he blurts “I’msorrymyrecievesweresobadtoday Ihaven’tbeenpracti-”

“That’s not what I meant!” a small bit of my hysteria finds its way into my voice, and I have to resist the urge to clap my hands over my mouth.  _ Dumbass me. I have to ASK him, I have to be gentle, I have to be  _ strong _ for him, so he can have someone to lean on.  _ Somehow I make it through the next sentence without tripping on my words.  “What I want to talk about is serious. Probably more serious than ever before.”

_ God I want to hug him right now, and god do I want to run away. But above all else, i want to grab him and tell him about my feelings. _

He moves over and lets me sit, and I try to force myself to calm down.  _ Gentle, Tobio, be gentle.  _

_ I have to try everything. But what will his reaction be…? No matter. I know that I might not find out the truth tonight, but anything is better than nothing. _

_ I’ll start simple, with  _ facts _. Facts don’t lie. _

“Your mother is an alcoholic, isn’t she?” I cross my legs, and he does too. I lean towards him slightly, but not enough for him to notice. His response is hesitant, and I can tell I’ve put him on edge with my outburst earlier. 

“Yeah… did I mention it in the phone call? Um… why?”

I start to wring my hands.  _ What will he do? _

“What does she have to deal with you?” His voice shakes a little bit, and sounds almost desperate.

Key word; almost.

“Is… are… is she……… is she abusing you, perhaps? Are your bruises and scrapes from her?” my nervous eyes find his now shocked, glassy ones. 

Without a word, he snatches me by my shirt and flings me backwards with more force than I thought he could. I slam into the mattress, flat on my back with my arms splayed out like an eagle’s wings, careful not to cry out and let myself panic.

I let him scream. 

“You’re wrong! How could you?!” His fists clench my shirt, his hands shaking like the last autumn leaves on a tree. He sniffs, tears welling up, but he blinks them back. “She would… she’d never do that.”

I can’t tell if he’s lying or not, he’s just that miserable.

_ Well, might as well be straight up about it. _

“Then where are they from?” I murmur. Not intending for him to hear, I add, “the divorce couldn’t affect you  _ that _ much.”

He covers his face with his hands, but I keep pressing him. If I don’t, he’ll keep hiding and I won’t find out until it’s too late-  _ until he’s completely drowned in that acid pond _ . “Or am I missing something? Because obviously I'm not getting everything here."

His weight, now centered on my hips, is much lighter than before. I don’t know exactly, but I think he might even be  _ underweight _ . His mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, gasping for air, but nothing comes out. 

I have to try harder, maybe something more specific. Impatience eats away at me, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I blow up. “Are you being bullied?”

_ He’s not responding, what does that mean? Is that a no? Is that a yes? Or is it just pressure and shock? Hinata, please. Say something. Anything. Tell me what the hell is going on here. _

_ But if he’s rejected everything else… _

“No way!” I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about what it means if my next statement is false. “You are  _ not _ hurting yourself!”

He cuts me off, just this one time, but I’m still not sure if he’s telling the truth. “No! I- I’m not hurting myself…!”

“Then what is it? Your mother or someone else?” my voice comes out harsher than I intend it to. I bite the inside of my lip. No. Not yet. I will not let myself break yet.

_ Be strong for him. “You have to ASK him,” was what Sugawara said.  _

“Hinata…”

And he blows up in my face, like a bomb that I unknowingly activated and didn’t move away. 

“WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?!” and before I can fully register his words he’s off me and huddled in the corner, with his knees drawn up to his chest. 

A split second of silence.

The rejection hurts more than it should, and that sets me off too. 

Suddenly, guilt and shame and frustration all explode out at the same time.  _ Maybe you’re right and I can’t help you, but turning around and hiding everything won’t get you anywhere! _

“You DUMB- _ ASS _ !!”

“You know what?” he glares at me from the corner, a horrible black fear radiating off of him like some sort of dark trance. “You’re an insensitive, awful friend! I don't know why I'm still friends with you!”

And he said it.

He finally said it.

I can feel my heart slowly crack, crack, crack, and finally shatter into tiny little pieces inside me, a coarse powder made of shards too fine to be rebuilt into its original form and too coarse to be sifted through comfortably, a powder to coarse to be likable. 

_ It was the same way, three and a half years ago, with Kitigawa Daiichi.  _

It’s all I can do not to sob.

_ The worst possible way to get rejected by the one you love. _

“Well, I hate you too! Always crying, so clingy, and such a stupid little shit in general!” I raise my shields, turning towards the window to hide my sudden tears, turning towards the rain for comfort. 

_ This isn’t how it was  _ supposed _ to be! _

I wipe my eyes, seeing that in the corner Hinata has hung his head. Before either of us can say anything, I  storm out of the room and slam the door behind me with a bang.

Not looking back, I flee to the bathroom, leaning over the sink and letting hot tears slowly drip down my face.

_ Hinata is the one who’s supposed to be heartbroken, not me! I’m such an  _ idiot _! I was so worried, and I let that consume me, and now look, Tobio, look at what you’ve done! _

_ Hinata, your love, is right, you’re an awful and insensitive friend! You’ve gone and tortured him, and now look what that brought back to your own goddamn self!  _

_ Now look at  _ that _! The distance between you and Hinata feels greater than it should, and it’s all your fault! _

_ ALL YOUR FAULT!!! _

“Tobio?” my mother stands at the door. “What happened?”

"Just leave me alone-!” I gasp, and she knows that there’s nothing she can do. She  leaves quickly.

After another minute of cursing myself, I force myself to go back into my room. Ignoring Hinata, looking away so he doesn’t see my red eyes, I curl up on my bed with my back to him.

The wall stares back at me, unmoving and unforgiving, as if to say,  _ you disgusting little thing. _

A soft voice comes from behind me, almost too quiet to hear. “I’m really, really sorry, Kageyama. For anything that I’ve ever done.”

_ None of it is your fault. Believe me. _ I clench my teeth, tears welling up again.  _ I couldn’t save you today. _

“And if you hate me, that’s ok. You’ll be just another star, I guess, just another bright star in the night sky.”

“I don’t hate you!” I murmur, too afraid of my trembling voice to speak audibly enough for him to hear. “I don’t hate you!”

“Goodnight, Kageyama.”

_ No! _ I can barely stop myself from crying.

“I’m sorry,” He runs away, closing the door behind him, and leaving me alone in this cold, dark room.

One sob.

Two sobs.

_ Now look what you’ve done! _

_ ALL YOUR FAULT!!! _

More and more, until tonight is the night that I’ve given more sobs and shed more tears than I’ve ever shed in my life before.

My broken heart feels heavy in my chest. 

_ Maybe one day you can trust me.  _

_ Maybe one day. _

_ One day, when I’m not so insecure, when you don’t make me feel this way. One day, when you don’t break my heart. _

_ One day, I will haul you out of this acid pond. _

_ One day. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KAAAAAAGGGGGGGSSSSSSS is going to suffer big time.


	9. Month I, Scene IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kags wakes up in the middle of the night after his fight with Hinata. (short chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for procrastinating guys agh i had a bunch of projects and other stuff to do (lmao innocent hs freshmen hahaha) 
> 
> Im kinda fweling like a blobfish right now, I'm so tired (not of this pic though hahaha). Like if I had to put it into words, I would say that it's kinda just like balaabaakalaalalalalaaabbbaalalakllalllalalaldaslagbaalallal...

My eyes fly open, but I don’t move any other part of my body- at least not yet. My ceiling stares back at me, unresponsive to the stirring below. It's dark, almost too much so, and it takes a bit for my eyes to adjust to the lack of light. After a second, I let my eyes blink a few times and sweep around the darkened space in a wide, lazy arc.

I don’t really remember what happened after Hinata fled my room, so I reason that I probably cried myself to sleep. Yes, that would explain why my left hand is holding a fistful of the fabric on my chest and why there’s some foreign stuff that I feel in the corners of my eyes- it’s probably salt.

It’s still storming outside, but as I lay there on my back, I hear no thunder, and see no lightning… just nothing. Just the sound of rain on the windows, against the inky sky behind the glass. The shush. The tapping. The sound of the sky's tears, the sound of the tears that would be falling from my eyes if I let them. I don’t even hear the occasional car as the minutes tick by. Through the tiny gaps between the clouds and the non-reflecting panes of the raindrop-speckled window, the stars flicker and shine their faint light down at me, as if to say, ‘what have you done?’

Now that I think about it, Hinata may or may not have cried somewhere else and came back later.  _And dear god does thinking about that hurt like hell._  

The rain’s shush doesn’t console me in the slightest.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him sleeping on the floor just a few feet away from me in the guest futon. My mom probably dug that out of the closet or something. Our bags lay discarded in the corner next to a bookshelf, under one of my volleyball posters, and a few feet away from the door.

My eyes sneak over to spy on him, but I can’t see his expression because he has his back to me… but I’m not sure if I even _want_ to see what he’s like.

Peaceful, like before? When I had hope?

Or troubled, frowning, worrying with the same passion that he always has?

My heart aches when I reminisce in Hinata’s words. His words, his stabbing words that hurt like salt in a wound.

_It’s happening, again. Just like Kitagawa Daiichi. I should have known that this would happen. I should have known, I should have withdrawn before this happened, because in the end everyone leaves me._

_Everyone leaves me, and it’s always my fault._

I bring my hands up to my face, fighting the urge to curl up again and cry. 

Shame floods me, surging up like a full glass about to spill. _I don’t know what to do. I’m lost_. My heart starts to physically ache, a pernicious pressure continuing to hack away at an invisible dam inside my eyes. I am barely able to stop myself from crying again.

_I want you, and you don’t see anything in me._

_Nothing._

_To think that for one second, I wanted to tell you that I love you. To think that this would even be possible, to think that you would even be able to take in the fact that I’ve gone and dammit, dammit, dammit! I’ve gone and fallen in love with my best friend._

_And_ you _! You just had to have all this shit happen, you just had to…_  

In vain, I try and fail to force down and swallow the memories of everything that has happened between us, all the games, all the practices, all that we could possibly remember and things that I don’t think anyone else remembers or even knows exists.

For Hinata, for Hinata, only for Hinata and only for volleyball. Those are the only two reasons I found could keep me alive. And now, one of them is gone, and I can’t do anything about it. 

 _Once they were my pride and joy, but now I feel_ sick _when I think about my feelings for you._

I turn to look at Hinata, watching as his chest rises and falls in that familiar, slow rhythm.

 _I wish I can purge these treacherous, damaging, terrible and betraying feelings within what’s left of my tainted heart. And if not, I wish I can learn how to lock my feelings away._  

I force myself to look back to the ceiling. For once, I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to swoop down and hug him, for once I don’t feel the need to interrogate the information about his wounds, to get it out of him. 

I close my eyes. _His fingers are slipping back into the acid, and our connection is weakening._  

I close my eyes. 

 _Then so be it._  

My stomach lurches. 

 _Maybe this is how my feelings will end. Maybe I can use this to curb my feelings, to quench the thirst of my choking heart. Maybe this is how the cup of my feelings will be emptied._  

I roll over, drowsiness settling in again. 

_Does it really have to end?_

The question I ask myself waits patiently for my answer. I look at myself, mentally, finding myself pleading alike to a hero of some fantasy story about to be executed at the hands of a villain. It's a strange thought, but I let it slide. My thoughts flow back to the previous question.

_It may or may not. My heart will give its verdict when I wake._

Solemnly I bite my lip, soaking in the pain like a sponge. _Yes. My heart will know what it really wants. It will show me whether it wants what my brain wants… it will know._  

Taking another glance at Hinata, lying so close and yet so far away from me across the room, I change my statement. 

 _It’s not just my heart that will know._ I _will know._  

Sleep ebbs at the corners of my vision, beckoning me forth to fall into its welcoming clutches. 

_The heart wants what it wants. The heart does not lie no matter how many times you tell it that it’s wrong, no matter how many times you lie to it._

_If it has to end this way, then so be it._

Pride will get me nowhere, I learned that the hard way. 

I used to carefully carry these feelings, this glass of icy water in the very tips of my heart’s hands. I would treat it like a freezing burden, before the ice melted. Then, the temperature was fairly manageable, but before long the water began to burn me. My own desire, my own pride heating it and heating it until it boiled and almost became fire itself… killing me, scorching me, becoming a burden once again.  

Well, if Hinata _himself_ comes and breaks the glass, if that is truly the case and he forever dispels these treacherous feelings, I need not pick the burden back up. I need not injure my hands any longer.  

I feel my mind slipping away to sleep.

_My heart will know if it needs the glass of water._

_My heart, and my heart alone, knows its ravishing thirst. It will know when this thirst has been crushed or quenched._

_My heart will know if the glass is truly shattered._

_It will know._

With that, I lose myself to sleep, savoring the sound of the rain against the glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was so short! 
> 
> next scene will probably have everyone's favorite piece of trash... Oikawa.


	10. Month I, Scene X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama is invited by Sugawara to speak of his troubles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: HEY GUYS, THIS WEEK'S UPDATE IS TO REVISE AND RE-PUBLISH THIS CHAPTER, AND I ALSO UPDATED SOME STUFF WITH THE OTHER CHAPTERS. Don't worry, it's not anything really major, more like just some stuff that makes the story seem fuller and a little more interesting to read. It includes more of Kageyama's thoughts and some better imagery, but you don't have to go back and re-read it all if you don't want to. 
> 
> Sorry for the long update, I got sick and wasn't able to work at all! (I was doing makeup work for school.) But now, here it is, so enjoy!

The next day, Hinata and I don’t talk.    
  
Nothing but a brief “good morning” when we wake up, and a “see you” when we get off the bus. He doesn't even look at me in class, and neither of us send notes.    
  
My phone rings almost immediately after the school day ends. Cursing, trying to keep an eye on Hinata out of the corner of my eye, I answer, expecting Oikawa and his fake smiles to respond.    
  
“Good afternoon,” someone who’s  _ not _ Oikawa chimes in his usual, sweet, and pleasant mood. Confusion sweeps through my mind, noting that the feel of it is genuine and not forced like Oikawa’s.   
  
“Suga-san?”   
  
Off in the distance, Hinata takes his blood red bike from the school’s rack, making sure the chain is on properly and such, quickly examining the tires and the spokes on the wheels. He glances around as he throws a leg over the side, seeming like he's looking for someone. 

I brush it off.   
  
The former setter of Karasuno High replies, snapping me out of my trance. “Yup. It’s me. How are you today?”   
  
Hinata doesn’t move yet.   
  
Shaking my head, I donate a second to speak to him. “If I said I was doing well, I'd be lying. Honestly, I feel terrible.”   
  
The redhead starts to make his way down the winding, beaten road, tires kicking up a little dust as they roll.   
  
“That’s too bad,” there’s a crackly sound on the other end, and I assume it’s Sugawara shuffling papers around (he does a lot of paperwork as a part-time secretary). “You told me you don’t have practice on Fridays, so when I get out of the office in a few minutes or so, I’ll pick you up and maybe we can go practice some volleyball… that might cheer you up a little.”   
  
Hinata’s curly hair disappears over the curve of a hill. I turn away.   
  
“S… sure. Thanks,” soothed a bit by his offer, I shake my head again, faster this time, like a dog shaking water from its fur.  _ Stop thinking of Hinata. _ “It’s one whole big mess, but I’m a little willing to talk.”  _ Unlike Hinata.  _

He chuckles and I thank my former upperclassman, hang up, and start down the road like it’s any normal day.   
  
But today is not a normal day, just as Sugawara is not Oikawa. Today, I don’t watch Hinata as I usually would. Today, my eyes don’t follow his appearances and disappearances over the hills as he slowly pedals across existence. Today, my eyes are only focused on the end-of-summer-green trees I pass, and the cracked, plain beige sidewalk below me.    
  
I halt at the bus stop, and when it arrives I dutifully troop down the length of the familiar rectangular compartment, dumping myself into one of the seats in the very back.    
  
_ Hinata was here yesterday. Beside me. Leaning on me.   _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I remember his warmth. _   
  
I gaze out the window, waiting for my stop to bring itself closer.    
  
_ Ah, that feels so far away now. _   
  
The bus slows yet another time before rumbling forwards again, slowly dragging the scenery before me across the window’s panes. Briefly it reminds me of a scene change in some kind of puppet show, but I toss the notion. 

And another returns.

_ Will he ever come back? _

_ Do I want him to come back? _

As it goes, as the scene slides by, I catch sight of houses, other cars, intersections, rows upon rows of shops, with pedestrians carrying all sorts of things in front of them. My eyes linger on some people going on a run, some others carrying shopping bags, and still others lugging their school bags. A few couples stroll about here and there, none of them gay, doing things that I used to wish to do with Hinata.    
  
_ Will I  _ ever _ stop thinking about him?   _   
  
I let my head rest against the cold glass as the bus stops again, watching a large gust of wind frustrate a group of jacketless pedestrians. Shivering, they retreat to hiding below the colorful awning of a nearby liquor store.    
  
_ Will Suga-san be able to help me? _   
  
The bus pulls me on again.    
  
_ It hurts.   _   
  
More things pass by, my mind blanking about what to think about. All I know is that my heart aches.    
  
_ It hurts and it’s because of Hinata. _   
  
The bus stops and I get off, staring at the sidewalk again. Glancing up, about to set foot to my apartment, I find the former setter only a few meters away. He just stares at me for a minute, confirming that we are who we are. He nods, and waves at me with a single hand, leaning on the front door of his silver car. Its dull paint is the same color as his hair and today’s cloudy sky. “Hello, Kageyama. Long time no see.”   
  
“Hi.”

“Tired?”

“ _ You _ certainly look like you are.”   
  
“ And so I am ,” he smiles and shivers his way through the sudden blisteringly cold wind, clapping me on the shoulder with a gloved hand. “I just found out that the heating broke in the gym where I usually go, so today do you want to come over to my apartment?”

I shrug.

“Okay, we’re going to my apartment. I know yours is just down the block, but I think mine’s more comfortable than yours, so sorry about that.”    
  
“Um, sure. It's ok. I um… don’t really care.”   
  
The doors of the car slam, shutting us inside. My gaze follows him again as he pushes the gearstick into drive, but I hurriedly avert my gaze as we pull away from the curb and into the sea of traffic.   
  
As the cityscape goes by, with more cars and people and buildings and whatnot, the ache remains in my heart. It’s a weight that I cannot remove no matter how much time passes, no matter how many stop lights we have to wait for to turn green.   
  
Rain begins to fall. A drizzle, actually, but before long the rain turns heavy.    
  
We exit the highway into a rather suburban area, and the windshield wipers continue to move furiously across the glass.   
  
_ Hinata doesn’t want you. Get over it. _   
  
We park on the sidewalk, but neither of us move. Neither of us speak. I still sit, staring at the rain- stained window, gaze still downcast.   
  
I close my eyes, water on my cheeks again. Did I let the window open by accident, and let rain fall on me? No, these are tears.    
  
_ Grief _ .   
  
I flinch when his hand connects to my shoulder, whipping around at the weight. He doesn’t let go, and I suddenly realize that he was calling me, in the same way that he did before. “Kageya-”   
  
His voice catches.    
  
A faraway look shows on his face, and he rubs my shoulder. His hand slips down my arm, and he touches the back of my hand where it lays beside me.    
  
“Don’t touch me,” in a flash I draw my hand away and fold my arms over my chest. “I’m being bothered enough.”   
  
I avert my gaze.   
  
_ Forget about it. Forget about Hinata, because he’s not coming back. _ _   
_   
Sugawara insists on speaking to me. “You’re putting me off-”   
  
“I don't know what I'm fucking doing,” I curse under my breath. “I don't know, so just stay away from me!” I bang my head against the glove compartment for good measure.   
  
“Did you lose your game on Saturday?” he prods me.   
  
“No. We won.”   
  
“Then what’s the prob-”   
  
Fuck this.    
  
My fist flies quicker than my mind can think.   
  
Almost too quickly it connects. It collides with the face, or the neck, or the shoulder, I don’t really know because I don’t look. My other hand occupies itself by tugging at the cloth of my shirt over my chest, over my heart.   
  
Sugawara reels and wails in shock and pain. “Kageyama?!” His hands are both plastered to his cheek, and I only stay staring at my shoes, shoving my left hand back into my pocket. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his own eyes flash with rage and something else.    
  
I want Hinata too badly. I’m  _ still _ in love with him, and I hate it.     
  
“Kageyama, tell me what-”    
  
I’m sobbing. I’m sobbing and I can’t stop, and I can’t pull myself together.   
  
“Kageyama…”   
  
I bury my head in my hands, still leaning on the glove compartment, hands sandwiched between it and my head.  _ Why am I so emotional? This doesn’t feel right. This doesn’t feel right at all. _   
  
Tears continue to slide down my cheeks in sync with the rain. My shoulders shake slightly with it, the thin jacket I’m wearing supplying not nearly enough heart or comfort. I gasp for air and it comes, but it’s just not enough.   
  
I wipe my eyes, trying to stop the tears. But they keep coming, and coming, and coming, and I can't stop their flow.    
  
At long last, Sugawara shuts off the engine and leaves my weeping to be the only sound in the cramped space. Other than trying to dry my eyes, I don’t move.  I don’t even dare to look up.    
  
“Did you get in a fight?” brushing his bangs aside, he tries to look at me in the eyes.  “Hey, Kageyama, take steady breaths. It’s going to be okay. I promise.”   
  
At his touch, this healing touch, I close my eyes.

 

_ Is it really going to be okay? _

 

_ Is my heart really going to be okay? _

 

Gradually I regain my composure, my breaths slowly evening out and my body losing its previous, misery-rooted tension.   
  
I take in raspy breaths like I’ve just run a marathon.

Maybe Sugawara can help me.   
  
“What happened? Did you get in a fight with someone?” He leans towards me, but not too close. He doesn’t take his hand off my shoulder.   
  
“He’s just being unreasonable,” I look out the window, at Sugawara's apartment five stories up. “Is Daichi up there today?”    
  
“No, he’s on duty,”  a pause follows before he pats me on the shoulder again . “Here, let’s not stay in this cramped space. Why don’t you tell me more when we get up there?” Sugawara rubs my back and hops out of his side of the car. I wait for him to show up on the curb beside me, just to make sure he won’t run away, before deciding to get out as well.   
  
I open the door with  _ clunk _ .   
  


* * *

  
  
He hands me a mug of tea. “Drink up, you’ll feel better.”   
  
“What kind of tea is this?”   
  
“This? Oh, it’s white tea.”    
  
“I thought you liked green tea.”   
  
“I have many teas, Kageyama, you know that just as well as I do,” he smiles gently, like the mother I remember him to be. “Name a tea, and it’s more than likely that I’ll have it. Do you not like white tea? I can fix you up with something else.”   
  
“I’ve never had it. I’ll try it though,” I take a small but contemplative sip, tasting it, remembering how green tea tasted when he once offered me some.   
  
The apartment isn’t terribly large, but the abundance of windows makes it seem more massive than it actually is. The shade provided by the clouds darken a particularly wide one directly on my right, while the pair of us lounge across from each other on poofy armchairs.    
  
“How is it?”   
  
My hands greedily absorb the warmth radiating from the side of the ceramic. “It’s sweet.”   
  
“And that,  Kageyama , is why I choose it,” he’s already refilling his mug from his elaborately painted loose-leaf kettle, whose pale blue reflects the  amber light of the tall lamp over his shoulder. “I love it too, it's good for anxiety and a bad mood.”   
  
Between us there sits a glass coffee table, which shows signs of being used regularly. I know that Sugawara doesn’t drink coffee, so the bronze, bottom-of-the-sup stains must belong to Daichi and the other ones must be Sugawara’s. On a small shelf below the glass, many books, newspapers, and magazines are carefully stacked by subject, each with many bookmarks sticking out every which way.   
  
“So do you use white tea  on a daily basis now?” I ask, taking another sip, deciding to let him keep talking so I can take my mind off things. I’m not sure, but since he can read the mood and will of pretty much any person or situation he’s probably noticed this.   
  
“It’s only for today,  the only problem with it is that it’s terribly expensive when compared to many other teas,” He takes another sip . “Also, partly because I bought this yesterday, partly because you’re here, but mostly because you seem like you’re really down in the dumps,” he runs a hand through his hair, sighing. “Really, Kageyama, you have bags under your eyes that are darker than mine, and I’m the one who has to take medication for insomnia.”   
  
“ _You_ have insomnia?”   
  
“Yes, I do..." He sees my look. "From trauma. I watched my mother die before my eyes in a prescription drug overdose. It was an opioid, taken to recover from shoulder surgery after she tore it. It wasn’t long before she got addicted. I couldn’t save her. That was a few months ago.”   
  
“I’m sorry... to hear,” I say, thinking about my own mother. I wouldn’t be able to imagine that happening. I take one look at how dim Sugawara's eyes just got, and say, “ Are  _ you _ okay? I mean, I’m really, so sorry to hear that, it must hurt so much more than I could have ever felt.”

He dips his head in acknowledgement. “It still hurts a lot, but I’m slowly recovering.”

“Sorry for hitting something like that, you must feel horrible… let’s change the subject?”   
  
“Ah, yes, this is about how your life is apparently horrible right now, do you want to talk about it?” He shifts in his chair, crossing his legs, regaining some of the light I know.   
  
I weigh my options.  _ How should I do this? How do I say what has happened to Hinata, what had happened between us?  _ _ I know, it’s probably not very complicated, but I… _

_ I don’t really see a way out of this. _   
  
“You have to keep this a secret,” I start.  _ There. Now that that’s established, I can have an easier time spilling the beans. _ _   
_   
Sugawara’s eyes widen a bit, but very subtly.  “It’s really that bad?”   
  
I nod silently.    
  
“I can’t even tell Daichi?”   
  
“ I’m sorry, but absolutely not. Hinata was reluctant to even tell me a single thing, and he’s not even telling the whole truth. I don’t think I want to say too much to you.”   
  
His eyes widen considerably this time as he lowers his mug into his lap . “Did something happen to him?”   
  
I exhale. “His parents got divorced, but that’s not all. There’s a bunch of ‘other stuff’ going on, but he’s not telling me what that ‘other stuff’ is,” I make air quotes with my fingers, which quickly return to wrapping around my own steaming cup.   
  
Sugawara tilts his head. “ Is it alright if  you tell me what you know?”   
  
“I’m not sure if I can trust you with this… I  honestly don’t know what could possibly happen,” I lower my gaze until he stands up. My eyes follow him as he puts a hand on the window, leaving a  foggy handprint behind.    
  
“If you can’t tell me that, then  could you  tell me what’s happened because of it?” he takes a blanket from yet another neat pile over his shoulder and swings it around, draping it around his shoulders like a robe.   
  
I suppose this can’t hurt. “First of all,  Hinata quit the volleyball club, he somehow lost interest in it,” I take the blanket that Sugawara offers me, donning the new piece of cloth as he takes his seat again. It feels foreign, odd, and consuming, but soon enough I find that my fingers are clutching at the ends,  making a fist over my chest. “I don't really get it, but he's studying now.”   
  
Taken off guard, Sugawara perks up at the statement, as if he was slapped in the face. “Hinata? Studying? Without being threatened to do so?”   
  
“And that’s not all,” I rub my temples with my fingertips. “He’s more secretive, and rarely eats lunch with me anymore. I’m not sure if he’s even still eating in general.”    
  
“Is he starving himself?”    
  
_ Starving himself? _   
  
Now it’s my turn to be surprised. 

Hesitantly, biding my time, I shake my head. “Not that I know of, but he’s definitely skinnier. I don't see why he would, because he's never been overweight by even an ounce. But… I also don’t see why not,” dammit. Another thing to put on the list.   

_ I thought I would have seen something as serious as that. I mean… if that’s actually what’s happening, then… _

_ How could I have missed that possibility? _   
  
“Weird,” Sugawara asserts.   
  
I puff out some air. “No kidding. I already debated about it with the team, and they had nothing up their sleeves either.”    
  
“Did you have a fight with him?”   
  
“We did… that was last night.  It wasn’t a fist fight, don’t worry, it was just me trying to get something out of him, and pressuring him too much.”   
  
“I see,” his hand goes up to his cheek, where a bruise is slowly developing. 

“Sorry for punching you earlier.”

“It’s alright, you were under stress and you weren’t thinking."   
  
“Thanks, but anyway, I just don’t think that I’m ready to talk if I don’t have enough information. I have a list of reasons why these things could have happened, but I can’t narrow it down yet,” I pull the floral green blanket tighter around myself.   
  
“You can tell me what’s on this list, can’t you?” He leans forwards with interest, placing his mug on the table. “Believe me, Kageyama, I want to help.”   
  
“I believe you, Sugawara, I never doubted you for a second… but I think we should wait. I mean,  _ can _ we wait?  Again,  I shouldn’t say anything if it’s greater than five possibilities, because what if I’m wrong? What will I do if and when I make a wrong assumption, and ruin things that I didn’t even know could be ruined?"    
  
“Oh… I see… but are you sure?” He looks at me with worried eyes, and I instantly regret telling him about Hinata in the first place, this worry-wart-mother of a guy.   
  
“I am absolutely sure. I want to know now is how I should approach him. How to handle his feelings.”   
  
Sugawara nods, and takes my mug to refill it before giving it back. 

_ God I love how understanding this guy is. _

He waves his hands around in circles for a bit, as if trying to gather his thoughts and put them out in proper words. “First of all, don’t ignore him. Last I checked, you’re the closest person to him outside of his family.”

“Mm-hmm.”   
  
_ Hold on a second. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Should I tell Sugawara that I love Hinata? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I don’t know if I should. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Would that help me? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ It would probably help me master my feelings better. _

But…    
  
He keeps going. “You should probably-"    
  
“Suga-san, there’s something else you should know about this situation,” I duck my head, blush rising to my face, and I struggle to gulp down another sip of tea. 

“I’m listening”

“It’s that I… I love Hinata."    
  
Silence responds. 

_ Yeah, my feelings were only hurt. They didn’t break. _   
  
“I just… thought you should know that. So… tread carefully, please.”    
  
When I find the nerve to look up,  I just find him smiling as  brightly  as the moon, but as gently as the fireflies .   
  
“What?”   
  
“I always knew,” Sugawara finishes his tea and refills yet another time. At this point, the kettle runs out of water, so he places down his mug and goes to get more heated water from a separate kettle in his kitchen. (This guy really is a tea fanatic.) “In  your first year… the way you looked at him, they way you  two tried so hard just to match  each other , don’t  you think I didn’t realize that it was only due time.”   
  
“You-”  my face turns completely  red now. “You-”  I continue to stutter as he flits around his kitchen.   
  
He comes back, and  dropping down in his chair again, laughing for the first time since I’ve seen him today. “ Oh, you bet  I knew, I was only  _ waiting _ for one of you to figure it out. You two lovebirds (or should I say love crows?) looked like you were so close to each other, you didn’t even know that it was love you felt.”

He sighs and stops laughing, his face becoming more grimmer.  “Perhaps it was an expectation that you were straight, but honestly, well…" He notices my silence and downcast gaze, leans forward over the coffee table, and ruffles my hair. “Don’t worry. I always tread carefully, but for you  I’m being especially careful.  I promise. ”    
  
I nod my head, desperate. “Tell me everything  you can .”   
  
“You said he doesn’t really eat lunch with you anymore, right?”   
  
“Right.”   
  
“And you said he’s more secretive now, right?”   
  
“Does he cry?”   
  
“Twice in the past two weeks.”   
  
“Since you’re not telling me anything, I can’t give you advice specific to your situation. However, listen carefully,” Sugawara waits for me to give a verbal response. “Before all else,  I want you to know that when people are under stress, especially levels of stress that they aren’t used to, they tend to do and say things they wouldn’t do otherwise. Hinata probably pushed you away as a self defense maneuver, not taking the time to think about how it would potentially hurt you.”

“So you’re telling me that he didn’t mean what he said?”

“Yes and no. It’s similar to how you might not be doing as well in, say a match, when you’re nervous. People naturally want to shield themselves from all dangers, and an additional factor of fear can turn everything around. Hinata might have just seen you as an attacking force when you pushed him like that, and felt the need to run away.”

“And what should I do about it? The last time it was this serious was-”

“With Aoba Johsai, I know,” he nods and glances out the window. “Obviously, if he’s pushed you away, you’re coming across as someone too up-front about it, expecting him to just spit it out even though you know it’s not like that all.”

I wring my hands. “And?”

“Whatever you do,  do not let him feel left out. Do not make him feel like he’s not good enough. Do not push him for information, but do ask enough questions so that you don’t seem passive. Do you get that?”   
  
I nod, drinking more of my tea. “I get it… but-”    
  
“Repeat it.”   
  
“Don’t make him feel inferior in any sort of way. Don’t push him for information, but don’t ignore him either…  but do you have any advice for how and when I should speak to him? ”

“Well, it’s difficult to say because Hinata is acting so differently now. The best I can give you… I’ll tell you that last, after we get the more apparent stuff out of the way. I need to think about that for a bit.”   
  
“Alright.”

“Good… furthermore.”   
  
“Yes?”   
  
“Tell him that it will all be ok, no matter what happens. Be  _ there _ for him. If he seems happy in the slightest, do not crush it. The only questions that you shouldn’t answer are things that are your deepest, darkest secrets, things that you never ever plan or planned on saying. The worst thing you can say right now is probably ‘I don’t know.’ Do not be afraid to be slightly affectionate. Do you understand?”    
  
“I do. I will assure him that no matter what happens, he will survive and it will be okay. Support him, answer all questions except ones too dark to speak of. Don’t suppress my love for him, because this is when he needs it most.”   
  
“Yes, especially the last part. If he wants physical contact, like hugging or holding hands, do not let him go until he asks for it.  But obviously, don’t crush him, and if he wants you to let go then do it. ”   
  
“Ok.”

“Also, if he wants a hug or something, when you’re done doing whatever you’re doing ask him if he’s okay, or at least better- it will be up to you as for which one to use.”

“Alright.”   
  
“And finally.”   
  
“Finally?”   
  
“I have a possible gamble in mind.  It pertains to what you wanted to know earlier. ”   
  
My eyebrows draw together. “ Thank you, but a  gamble? That's  definitely not like you. What are you, nuts?”    
  
“Yes. No. Whatever the case, I still am gambling, but that’s what you do with people- their minds can be very, very fickle. I saw that when you changed your ways.”   
  
“I… Alright. What’s the gamble you’re proposing?”    
  
He inhales. He exhales. I copy him, and then he speaks. “Make him a promise.”    
  
“A  _ promise _ ? That’s it?”  I look to the side, then back at him. “Is that even a gamble in itself?”    
  
“One, it serves as a bond and will draw you two closer.  Two , it will also allow for him to trust you more.  Three , you should probably do something along the lines of giving support to him.  Four , this is why it’s a gamble… if you break the promise,  there are a couple things that have a high likelihood of happening. First, you may never be able be able to gain back Hinata's full trust- and I know that this is a heavy price to pay . Second, Hinata could feel betrayed to be point where he may never trust anyone else, ever again-  particularly because he feels so hurt and betrayed right now.”   
  
I gulp. “ _ This _ is the gamble you want me to make?  _ These _ are the prices you want me to pay?! ”   
  
Sugawara remains calm.  " Like I said,  I won't force you to do it."   
  
“And if Hinata breaks his side of the promise?”   
  
He raises his eyebrows. “You’re saying that you want this to be an ‘equivalent exchange’ kind of promise?”   
  
“If it happens to be so.”

“Are you sure? Having Hinata uphold something might put unnecessary stress on him, more than he already has,” he runs his hand through his hair, and drinks more of his tea. “Neither of us know a drop about what’s happening here, so I don’t think this decision is really wise.”

“I’m putting this hypothetically, and even if it does happen I’ll make sure it’s something he can do. Or probably do,” I hold eye contact with him for a few seconds, and he understands.

“Then, Kageyama… I don’t know what to say for that. The gravity of what you lose, and what Hinata will lose… it all will depend on exactly  _ what _ he promises to you. It will also depend on what happens should you lose your cool… and  I’m a little concerned about that, especially because you lose your cool easily.”

“I see,” I duck in my head.  _ I know that I blow up at him too much, I saw that only last night. But the question is… what am I supposed to do about this? Am I just supposed to stuff away my anger? But then, it will inevitably just break like a dam, and torrents of emotion will flood and destroy it all… like  _ ka-boooom,  _ kind of.  _

“You seem to be better now, but your anger is not something that should be brought out here…  At any rate, it would be better if you remain calm for as long as you can.”

“And if I feel annoyed by him?”

“Call me, definitely. There is absolutely  _ no _ reason why you should take it out on Hinata, or anyone else for that matter. Call me, and make sure Hinata’s not within the near vicinity, and spill, alright? I won’t judge, I promise.”

“Thank you, Sugawara.”

“Of course. I’m always willing to lend an ear, and my boss is pretty good about any personal issues I need to attend to while in the office,” reaching across the table and patting me on the shoulder again, he takes in one long sip of tea before speaking again. “I know that his trust, his friendship, and a bond don’t seem like much, but they have more worth than man will ever be able to understand."   
  
“Do you really think I should do this?”   
  
“Only do it if you are willing to do it. If you aren't, then it may not go very well,”  he wags his fingers to emphasize his point. “I think you've already figured out that this whole situation is very fragile... so this is not something I will force you to do. But take heed... everything I said and had you repeat back to me before I mentioned this gamble… that is a  _ must _ .”   
  
“I… I understand,” I take a second to think. 

_ Losing Hinata's trust and friendship is a very large thing to gamble, but if it does anything to improve Hinata's current state... _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Should I do something like this? _   
  
“Do you truly understand?”   
  
“I understand the risks, but I don't know if trying this gamble of yours is something I want to do.”   
  
“Then, I  will hold you to nothing. Of course, take your time and tread carefully,Kageyama.” he laces his fingers together.   
  
I sigh. “I am and will until it breaks me.”    
  
A small smile breaks out on his face. “Good luck with Hinata.”   
  
“Thank you.”   
  
“Are you still sure you don’t want to tell me anything?”   
  
I nod my head, standing, finishing the last of the tea. “For now, I think I have enough. I am absolutely sure.”   
  
Our eyes meet, his hazel on my blue, and an understanding passes between us.   
  
“Thank you for  all  the advice.”   
  
“Thank you for talking with me. If you need any more advice, I'm here. As I said, call me.”   
  
Silence ensues.   
  
We stand in unison, and begin to walk back towards the door. I hand him back his blanket, and put on my coat. After putting the blankets in a messy pile on the couch, he does the same. For a second, I wonder why he doesn’t stay inside the apartment, but then realize that he probably wants to drive me home because he brought me here. I shrug and follow him out the door.   
  


* * *

  
“I’m sorry about punching you earlier. That was my fault.”   
  
“I said It’s alright,  don’t worry about it. Worry about Hinata."    
  
“But what will Daichi say? He’ll be pissed if he knows that I punched you. ”    
  
Sugawara smirks as he turns off of the highway and up the familiar hills near my apartment, the tall building looming over us. “I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll just try to make sure that he doesn’t get pissed at you… I’ll just make something up. ”   
  
“Good  _ luck _ with that.”    
  
“Good luck to  _ you _ .”

For a long moment we only sit together, and I watch the traffic go by.  _ If Hinata pushes me away again, then I know that he probably just needs some space. That’s useful to know. _

_ Moreover, about this promise… _

_ I want to do it, but if I fail… _

_ If either of us fails… _

I shake my head. I’ll think about it later.

We arrive at my apartment building, Sugawara pulling over onto the curb. We both sigh as I get out of the car and slam the door, with Sugawara rolling down the window.

“Thanks for everything," I reach into my bag for my keys, going to fetch them... only to find that it's been packed  to the brim with several different boxes of different types of tea.  This guy really-  "SUGA-SAN!"   
  
His jingling laugh flies out the window of his car as he leans over and partially out the window. "Enjoy them! You don't have to pay me back, I promise."   
  
"But-!"   
  
"Drink up," he winks, ducking back into the car, beginning to drive away. "You'll feel better."

“Suga~~~~~~~!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I was planning for Kageyama to be talking to Oikawa, but I decided to change it to Sugawara because Oikawa would probably become too pushy and ruin the scene. Plus, I kind of needed to use Sugawara as planning for one of the scenes in Month II, so yeah... 
> 
> My grades aren't looking too good, I used to be all A's but now I have some B+, and the end of the quarter is in a few days, ack... I might take a break so I can fix my Math and English... perhaps skipping a level in Mandarin wasn't such a good idea after all...
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!


	11. Month I, Scene XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama goes to find Hinata to have a conversation with him during lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for not updating for a really long time! I do, however, have a lot to say, so see the end notes for all that.
> 
> furthermore, I did an almost complete revision of the previous chapter a few weeks ago, so if you didn't read that scene in the past few days then GO READ IT AGAIN! even if you read the updated version, it's a lot to digest. even i had to read it again as I was writing this scene.

The following Tuesday I go to school, like usual, with Monday over my shoulder and nothing big or too important happening. Last night during practice I checked up with my team, and over the weekend they said they had done nothing big either, and none of them had anything to say pertaining to Hinata’s status. No words, no texts, no nothing, they said, still rather unusual even though it’s been only two or three weeks.

Outside of that, Kimura and Utaemon each went to visit family members in Kyoto and Osaka respectively, and Hoshino’s brother came back from university for a couple days. Apparently he’s quite like Tsukishima’s brother Akiteru. 

Hishikawa, Fukao, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Tsujimura and I all went to watch the practice match between Nekoma and Fukurodani. I was looking for technique and wasn’t really rooting for anyone, but in the end Nekoma won with a narrow margin- they came to a deuce in both the second and third sets, with Nekoma taking the first and third and Fukurodani the second. I think it was mostly because the former still has an almost impenetrable defense system.

Even though the bedhead, the pudding head, the Russian giant, the owl guy and his setter are all gone, both of the teams seemed to be holding together plenty well; I hoped that my team all took something away from watching them play. I didn’t know or find out who the captains are, but evidently they are doing a superb job. It makes me jealous.

I’ve also been thinking about Sugawara’s words for the past four days, thinking over how the promise he mentioned could influence the outcome of this situation. I’ve turned the words over like a stone weighing down my palm, yet gazed at them as if they were fluttering like snowflakes in the winter wind. I’ve pondered the things that Sugawara said, and the things that Hinata has said. I’ve thought about how Sugawara suggested that Hinata probably didn’t mean to push me away, and wondered what would happen if Hinata really did mean what he said. 

I’ve thought about, while drinking Suga’s tea, the ways in which I might be able to help Hinata, and out of all that… if there’s any path I choose to go down, including the promise, I’m going to have to meet up with Hinata in person.

So I’ve walked to the back of the gym, where Hinata usually eats lunch, shrouded in the mid-August shade. 

I glance around. Hinata should arrive soon. 

_ Oh god. _

_ What if he still hates me? _

_ What if I accidentally blow up at him again? _

Before I can clear my thoughts properly (or as properly as I can anyway) I hear the light pattering of his footsteps coming around the corner. Of course, I don’t miss how he stumbles and nearly falls at the sight of me, waving his index finger at me like he did on the first day of school when we were still freshmen.

That brief flashback hurts more than it should, as if I was supposed to feel a shower of cold water but instead got a downpour of ice cubes.

“Why are you here?” his voice lashes out at me, but I can tell by the arch of his eyebrows that he’s more surprised rather than angry. “This is  _ my _ spot, you scared me!”

“I’m here because it’s your spot, dumbass. Don’t just stand there, c’mon over,” I wave him over to where I’m sitting against the wall, the concrete cool against my back in the shade. “What do you think I’m going to do, bite you?”

He hesitates for a second, eyebrows knitting and gaze sliding to the dirt below his feet. “No, it’s fine.”

_ Did something happen? _

Taking careful steps, he sits down on the steps to the back door, around a meter away and doesn’t look at me.

_ Something happened. No question about it. _

_ Was it the fight we had? I thought we at least  _ kind of made up yesterday… 

_ Alright, I know it’s not completely over… but… Hinata…  _

“You still haven’t come to practice since a couple weeks ago, and even then I made you come,” I turn to him, watching for any reaction whatsoever as I continue to tread carefully. For a brief moment, I search for a good foothold, a good first question.

_ Something stable, something I already know… _ “Is it still rough with your family?”

He nods, and his voice drifts out with no force, with no conviction. “Natsu is feeling it too and I don’t know how to make it better.”

As a split second decision, I choose not to scoot closer just yet just in case I spook him, but I latch onto the opportunity before it goes. “Does she cry a lot?”

“Every night,” he murmurs.

I make a split second decision to ask a little about what’s going on at his house besides the divorce, trying to see if he might let something slip about his mother or something. “Are you sure that it’s just the divorce that’s affecting her?”

He almost chokes on his food as he processes the question. “Sh-she misses Dad,” he coughs, still avoiding my gaze, and by the way he shifts his weight back and forth I know he’s not saying the whole truth. He continues, “I mean, he hasn’t contacted us at all. I… I called him, but he didn’t respond until midnight with a text saying he was at work. I didn’t reply because I was sleeping.”

I tilt my head up, resting it against the wall. The sky I see is a clear blue, devoid of clouds.  _ Well, it’s good to know that he can still take care of himself to some extent. At least he’s still sleeping, I guess that’s a start.  _

I relax a little.  _ I know he’s still hiding, but I guess I shouldn’t expect him to tell me the whole truth now though…  _

_ But it would be nice if he did… _

Suddenly, out of the blue, Hinata blurts, “How’s it going with Japan’s National Volleyball team?” and he dares to glance at me. 

My honest answer is tossed out of me with my surprise. “Ok, I guess. It’s hard work- you have to be in your top physical condition at every moment.” 

After a long pause, I decide now is as good a time as any to sit a bit closer to him. I unzip my bag, and take out one of the steamy meat buns that I bought from Sakanoshita Shop earlier this morning. Looking up, at nothing in particular, I stick it into my mouth without a second thought. But before I take another bite, I grab another one, take Hinata’s hand, and close his thin fingers around it.

Frowning around the meat bun in my mouth, I pause, my eyes drifting over to him. 

_ These hands don’t belong to Hinata, and yet, they are his.  _

My hands trace a scab on his finger somewhere, and suddenly I don’t want to let his hand go.

He doesn’t move, but doesn’t look at me either. For a moment I only sit, taking in the way the small being, his hand, feels in mine. 

Warmth. 

Something that feels like concentrated neglect.

_ You should let go, Tobio. _

_ You can’t have him. _

_ He’ll never be able to be with you, not like this. Let go before you hurt yourself again, before you get burnt by the water again. _

My fingers’ grip relents by a bit, but I don’t let go just yet.

And it slowly loosens more and more as I watch our connection break, and from far away I feel his hand slip out of my grip and back to his lap. 

And suddenly, I feel cold without it.

But I keep my mouth shut. 

At last, he says, “How’s Karasuno’s team?”

“Honestly, I wish you were still with me,”  _ Yes, think of something else. _ “With us. The whole team does, really. We all wish that it didn’t have to be this way, but we all understand how hard this must be for you."

I rub a hand at the base of my neck. Actually, I have no clue and probably can’t possibly understand what’s going on with him that he’s hiding, but….

_ Don’t suppress your feelings, because this is when he needs him most. _

_ He didn’t mean what he said. _

My conversation with Sugawara rings in my head, and now I’m not sure what to think.  _ Am I supposed to love him or to fall out of love with him? _

_ Sugawara, please help me once again. _

I look up, lacing my fingers tightly together in my lap. I hesitate to speak, not wanting to step on something sensitive. 

_ Hinata, do you hate me? _

Then I eat the rest of my meat bun while watching  Hinata eat his.

_ Even if you don’t, I think I still love you. After the way we fought, I know, I shouldn’t have these feelings anymore. These feelings that won’t let me think clearly about you, these feelings that are digging holes in the trust we have in each other.  _

I wonder if Hinata-

My phone suddenly makes the pinging noise of a text message, and I lose my train of thought.

I take the glowing rectangle out, seeing that the text is from Sugawara.   
  


**Sugawara Koushi**

 

**I know that you are on your break right now**

**And I assume you are with Hinata**

**Dont forget to tell him whats going on inside your head, but with all your love...**

**You could even confess…?**

**;)**

 

My face turns completely red before the rest of my mind can process what the words mean.

More words appear on the screen.

 

**King proposes to his Queen?**

 

Hinata’s voice snaps me out of it, asking what the text was…

And next thing I know, I’m standing on the other side of the stairs, stuttering, swearing, and trying but failing to think up a proper response to both my friends.

_ No. Nope. Not going to say anything, you didn’t see that did you, nope, totally nope. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but if you did, now you didn’t-  _

“What did Sugawara text you in order to make you get like  _ that _ ?” and that innocent look on his face just completely kills me, and my face becomes even redder than before.

“Like I’d tell you!” is all my panicked being can manage to say. Before I throw out something else that will make me feel even more embarrassed and stupid, I slip my phone back into my pocket and return to where I was originally sitting. Still blushing, and still embarrassed as hell, I bury my head in my hands and force myself to fall silent.

Hinata hesitates for a second, and I don’t blame him. This is probably too much of a surprise to him. Me, who’s never had a love affair before (let alone have a cat fight with the guy I like,) sitting here losing my mind like a lovesick junior high schooler. 

_ Pathetic!  _ My mind screams.

“C’mon, you can trust me!” he scoots a little closer and I fight against the will to run even further away. Thank god my phone has already shut off and locked itself. 

He whispers in my ear, sending shivers up my spine. He grabs my sleeve, keeping me his captive. “Tell me, tell me, tell me!”

Hinata pauses for a second, and I dare to let myself unglue my hands from my face and look at him. He has his eyebrows raised, shoulders set wide and open, and a smirk playing on his lips… 

_ The old Hinata is back. _

But his next sentence doesn’t fit at all.

“Is he in a hot relationship now?”

I know that he’s talking about Sugawara. “N-not that I know of…”

There’s a terribly awkward moment of silence, and I try but fail to make myself stop blushing. The wind is still, the birds are silent, everything else that doesn’t help combined.  _ God, I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing right now. Sugawara, what exactly do you want me to do? How exactly am I supposed to make him a promise like this?! _

But his next question completely blows me out of the water.

“Ooh! Does  _ sooooomeone  _ have a crush?” at this point, he’s practically on top of me, leaning against my side just like we used to in second year, with his mouth so close to my ear that I can practically feel his breath on it. Heat rushes to my face, and at this point, my brain just goes bananas. 

“Sh-” my arms flap around like fish out of water. “Shuddup!” I wriggle away, thoughts a mess, running across my conscious thought train at a million kilometers per second. In my haste, I let the brick of the gym’s wall scrape at my back through my shirt. I let out a small grunt at the immediate stinging.

_ Sugawara, what have you gotten me into now?! _

“So you  _ do _ have a crush!” He grabs me by the arm and shakes me, but it’s a playful tug. Although not terribly powerful, it effectively kills my retreat. 

_ Suga you are killing me! Why did you include Hinata’s name in the text message? What if he knows about my feelings now?  _ “S-so what if I do?!” 

“Why didn’t you tell me? How long have you liked them?” 

_ Oh shit. _

“M-m-mind your own business!” _ Oh shit.  _

“Do I know them?” He asks.  _ Hinata just how long are you going to keep playing your own personal game of Guess Who? _

“I-” I know I need some kind of barrier. My eyes wander, looking for literally anything but Hinata.  _ Hinata absolutely cannot find out about my feelings.  _ “W-well, yeah, you know them but minute I tell you who it is will be the minute you’re going to  _ die _ !” 

“So harsh!” he squawks, and then starts giggling like the past year and a half never even happened, as if we were still freshmen and he had never been beaten, as if a bruise had never even appeared on his pale skin. 

And time slows again, my thundering heart returning to its normal pulse, my cheeks returning to a natural hue and a little while after, my breathing becomes normal again. Soon enough, Hinata falls silent and slouches back into a sitting position at my side, staring at the sky and gently hugging himself.

Bruised arms. Paper cuts. Old food stains on his wrist, chipped nails that need more attentive clipping and cleaning. A staple buried in his index finger, silver and reflecting a sliver of light into my eyes. 

I reach out to touch it, his hand, his skin, as if to heal it.

Abruptly, he turns to me and blurts with a teasing voice, “Ok, tell me who it is.”

My eyebrows shoot up at the request, and I quickly withdraw my hand. “No.”

He tilts his head, now looking back at the sky, showing off his orange curls. “Tell me what that text was then.”

“Absolutely not!” I shoot him a look.

He pouts, looking like he wants to say something, or to annoy me until I speak.

_ Alright, two can play this game.  _

So I pout right back at him, poker faced, dim brown eyes against mine. My lips move softly when my next sentence falls out. “Maybe I’ll tell you one day.”

“ _ Maybe _ ?” He looks vaguely surprised, as if the insincerity has deeply offended him.

“M A Y B E,” I tease, knowing full well that it won’t be fulfilled.  _ Well, if this makes him happy, I guess I’d better let him be this way. Just as Sugawara said, in fact. _

“Dammit,” he mockingly hangs his head.

Faking snarkiness, I jut my chin out. “Damn  _ right _ .”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

He falls back, eyes closed, leaning on the gym’s doors. “Kageyama~~~~~~~~~~”

“No,” I cut him off.

He lets out an exasperated sigh. “What are you so afraid of?”

“You!”  _ Of course.  _

“Why?” he whines, barraging me with pokes on the arm. “You just said you trusted me!”

My walls come back up before I can stop them.  _ Suga, I’m sorry for defying your orders, but I count this as one of the secrets that I’d never tell anyone.  _ “I’ll tell you at the end of the year!”

“But that’s so far away!”

“So?”  _ I want you to forget about this, because-  _

“Why though?!”

“Because,”  _ yes, that would be very helpful- _

“But that’s  _ four months and a week _ ! I’ll forget about it by then!”

I give him the  _ like ‘duh’  _ look. “Um, that’s the point.” 

“Ugh. So  _ mean _ , Kageyama-kun.”

I roll my eyes. “Bah.”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“ _ No _ .”

He leans towards me again, clasping his hands together. “Tell me with a pretty please and a cherry on top?”

“No still means  _ no _ . What part of that do you not understand? Dumbass,” I fold my arms, hugging my knees to my chest as he shuts his eyes and groans. 

_ He’s back, the old Hinata is back, and I… _

I hug myself tighter.

_ I don’t know what I’m feeling now. Even worse, I don’t know what I  _ want _ to feel feel now.  _

Running my hands through my hair, I close my eyes too, wondering if Hinata is going to keep flip-flopping back and forth between his moods.  _ In all this haste, I’ve forgotten exactly how exhausting hanging out with this guy can be. _

I sigh.

_ But what if he goes back? _

_ What if he falls deeper this time? I mean, look at how he was just earlier. What’s not to say that he won’t do anything, that he won’t get himself in an even deeper mess? _

And the question immediately comes: what is he thinking now? What should  _ I _ be thinking now? What about this acid lake he’s stuck in? Should I ignore him or what?

The sound of my name calls me back, almost too quickly.

“Kageyama?” Softly, worriedly, it makes me hunch over even more. “Are… are you ok?”

Hinata’s hand is warm against my shoulder, but I don’t let myself relax into it just as I don’t lean away.

_ Choose now, Tobio. Love him or don’t love him, even if your heart’s already made its choice. _

“I’m fine,” I grit my teeth, still battling with myself. For a moment the ghost of a tear appears in my eye, but before I know it it’s gone. 

“Did I push you too hard?” I can feel his head close to mine again, but not nearly as close as before. “Wait… are you… crying?” 

_ I want to cry because I love you too much for both of our own goods.  _ I give a small shake of my head, but I don’t think he notices, so I just murmur a small “no.”

_ Great, now you’re worrying him. _

His lips start mouthing random syllables, searching for things to say. I only know he does this because it’s something he’s always done. In first year it was stuttering, now it’s stuttering without a voice. Cautiously, he scooches closer. “Then, what?”

I pause, trying to simplify it all as much as possible. “You’re happier.” 

“Huh?” he says, and I guess he didn’t hear me. 

I sit up and then leans on the wall with him again. “I said, you’re happier.”

He tilts his head again, and it’s starting to annoy me how nice his curls look when he does that. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I stare at him. “How am I supposed to know? It… It seems like you’re more annoying than usual.”

“That’s  _ mean- _ ”

“But,” I cut him off again, holding up a hand. “You’re just a little bit like you were in the past. It seems like things are going to get better for you.”

Once again, I have spoken words whose purpose is more to convince me of something rather than Hinata.

“I guess,” he gives me a half smile that is obviously forced. His worried eyes meet mine…

_ Hinata… please… be ok…  _

“Well, I’m sure that you’ll be fine,” I finally manage to say.

His lips struggle to form words, but eventually he comes out with “I… I…”

He’s clearly pushing it, and the pain he has in his face eventually becomes too much for me to bear. “You don’t have to push yourself,” and I can almost see the relief gushing out of him. 

It’s obvious that he needs something else. He looks almost lifeless…  _ think, Tobio, what can you- _

I grab the last meat bun from the bag, crumpling up the paper. Hinata looks away quickly, as if he doesn’t want to look at me anymore. 

I tap the back of his hand before taking it. 

His eyes flick up to mine, an unspeakable pain buried inside them. “Hey,” I squeeze his hand a little tighter. “If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m willing to listen. If you need my help, I won’t hesitate. Just say something.  _ Please. _ ”

_ What can I do to make this pain go away? _

_ What can I do to make you stop avoiding me? _

He closes his eyes, and I fear that I’m losing him that he’s shutting me out. “Hinata, I  _ care _ . About you. I don’t know what to do about this, but I want to make this easier for yo-”

“But I’m not ready,” he shakes his head. “I don’t want to say anything yet.”

Grabbing his wrist, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “Then promise me that you won’t drown. Swear to it, because not knowing is worrying me  _ sick _ . If it comes to it, I want you to tell me everything.”

_ It was supposed to be the other way around, Tobio…  _ You _ were supposed to promise  _ him _ something…  _

“I swear to you that I won’t drown,” still not opening his eyes, he bows down and brings the pile of hands up to his forehead. “I swear to you that if it comes to it, I will tell you everything.”

He takes a deep breath in, and lets it go, chest and shoulders rising and falling to go along with it. Once more, and his orange hair shimmers and reflects the sunlight with every new angle it takes on. Twice more, and I hold his hand a little tighter, feeling the staples, the scabs, everything else. 

I have to hold myself back from hugging him, from throwing my arms around him, and just feeling him close to me.

If I did that though, I’d feel like feel like I could protect him against anything. Any bullies, any girlfriend, any drug or blackmailer or even against the law.

“Thank you. In return, I won’t interrogate you, nor will I spy on you unless you let me,”  _ I am your shield, and by doing this I am also protecting him from me if I ever turn on him. _

He nods.

I nod back.

_ I really hope this turns out ok. _

My gaze goes down to his hands, his arms. 

The wounds really are terrible.

I wish I could do something about them. These blemishes that I wanted to be able to prevent with my love. 

I bet Hinata himself doesn’t even know how bad they are. Most of them don’t look treated, probably not even known to exist by this readhead. 

They look nasty. 

Honestl-

“Kageyama!” Once again, Hinata’s voice breaks my thoughts. 

“Huh?” I blink. “Um…”

“Then what?”

“You're… actually, nevermind,” I look away, shaking my head. He probably doesn’t want to know. I don’t need to make him worry about something else, especially not after he’s been happy for the past ten minutes…

“Tell me,” he pleads, and I cave in. 

“The… um…” I clear my throat. “Wounds. Bad.”

He looks down at him arms, and I watch him give a small shrug of his shoulders. “Yeah, sure. What about them?”

_ Should I say it? Should I tell him how bad they are? _

_ Should I wait and see if he pushes me? _

I finally look up. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

He cocks his head. “Why not now?”

I shrug.  _ Like I said, two can play this game of secret _ s. “Because that’s what I decided.”

“Hey…” He pokes me in the leg. 

But I’ve made up my mind, and remain stubborn. “Tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Hinata asserts. “Tomorrow. No excuses and no running away.”

I nod. “Tomorrow. I promise.”

“Gr.”

“Bah. Dumbass.”

“Hmph. Race you to the classroom?”

“Oi!” I whirl around. “You… Dumbass! Come back!”

With that, I take off after him and thunder back to the other side of the school grounds, kicking up dust as I go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, first I will provide an explanation for not updating:
> 
> Since this week is a vacation week at my school, I had a lot of tests last week and the week before! Additionally, the week before the break had passover in it, so the teachers couldn't give out tests on two of the in-school days, and Good Friday was the start of break and an off day. That only left monday and thursday, and the week before that! so due to my studying needs, i couldn't find the time to update. Sorry!
> 
> And now for the other stuff:
> 
> What I'm about to say is kind of hard for me to say, but I really just want to get this out there.
> 
> ===
> 
> In Hinata's version, I lied when I said I was worried that I haven't been through anything and that this was probably affecting my performance. As it turns out, I've been in the midst of a conflict that I've been ignoring for so long that I've stopped considering myself an anomaly for it. My family is full of narcissists, and they constantly and passive aggressively insult me for wanting to stay away from their lifestyle. For example, I don't like shopping, and especially hate shoe shopping, and the other day my mother shamed me into buying a pair of shoes because she said that all my shoes are ugly. 
> 
> My lack of self confidence has led me to self harm, and my scars from weeks ago are still healing. I feel lost and confused and really angry and resentful towards myself, and when things happen I am constantly blamed, and even though it's slightly better now I have started to blame myself for a lot of things that are clearly not my fault. 
> 
> This is why at one point, I considered stopping the writing of Five Months. Although my classmates/ friends/ people my age think that it's cool that I write fanfition, my parents hate it and think that it's a waste of time. At that point, when I made the announcement in Hinata's version scene XXIII, I wanted to commit suicide. I wanted to end it all, but managed to talk myself out of it.
> 
> Right now, I don't have any professional help on the matter, but do have a classmate I currently trust and understands what I am going through. He believes that I will be able to get out of this, and i wish I could believe him.
> 
> IF ANYONE HERE CAN FEEL TRUE PAIN IN MY WORK, I AM TELLING YOU THAT IT IS NOT A LIE. all the similes and metaphors are things that I initially came up with originally to talk about my own pain with myself. I've heard that many people cried while reading the middle and ending of Hinata's Version, and I suspect the only reason why I didn't cry was because I am pretty much writing about my own pain. I suppose it's very lackluster, a story of my own pain thinly veiled by characters I don't have the right to invade and claim and have them go through all the horrible stuff that I do to them.
> 
> Interpret this in any way you wish, I will continue to write Five Months as is.
> 
> thank you for reading all of that.


	12. Month I, Scene XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of multiple mini-scenes that play on Kageyama's fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for the long update, this chapter was supposed to come out like a month ago but I forgot to put it up :/

###  Scene XII

 

**Sugawara Koushi**

  
  


**I am going to kill you**

 

**He almost saw this**

 

**So…. You didn't say anything?**

 

**Of course not**

 

**But he feels so alone and all that**

 

**I consider my feelings for him**

**something that I would never**

**tell anyone, and you said that**

**I shouldn't talk to him about**

**dark secrets like that**

 

**Kageyama….**

 

**You’re such a downer**

 

**Hey!**

 

**I wouldn’t consider that to be**

**a dark secret**

 

**Honestly Kageyama**

 

**(-.-)**

 

**Even with my joking manner**

**aside, you should tell him**

**how you feel.**

 

**Then he’ll know that he is still**

**appreciated, that he's still**

**worth something**

 

**But i'm concerned that if i confess**

**he’ll take it the wrong way**

 

**He might take it on as a pressure**

**to love me back, you should know**

**this better than anyone because**

**of Daichi**

 

**I guess**

 

**Anyways**

 

**Remember what I said last**

**friday ok?**

 

**Ok**

 

**I do and will remember it**

 

**How is Hinata doing**

 

**Still not speaking at all**

 

**I think something happened**

**since i last saw him, but idk**

**what went down**

 

**Huh**

 

**So im going to leave him alone**

**for now**

 

**Alright, that works**

 

**I guess theres nothing else to**

**say for now either**

 

**Yeah**

 

**So…**

 

**Bye**

 

**Laters**

 

**Bye**

  
  


* * *

 

 

Warily glancing at my phone every few seconds, I listen to the shush of the faucet and let the warm water dribble and flow over my fingers. I’m almost finished putting away the dishes when my mother arrives at our apartment.

The door clicks and swings open, I hear her casting her shoes off over the clatter of dishes. However, I don’t look up yet. 

“Hi Tobio,” she breezes in, putting her bag down on the counter and strolling up to me. “Finish your homework alright?”

“Yeah,” I say, absently scrubbing at a pot that’s already been clean for the past ten minutes.

“Did something happen?” She runs a hand up my back, her touch as gentle as always, reading me as quickly as a train moves. 

I rinse the pot, letting the water slosh around for a few seconds. Emptying it, I shut the water off.

“It’s my friend,” I open a cupboard below me, squatting down and placing the pot among others. For a second, my fingers linger on the smooth wood of the still open cabinet, only remaining crouched on the floor.

“What happened?”

I pause and take a second to mull her words over, staring into the gloomy inside of the wooden confine and the disarray of metal before me. “He’s… I don’t know. He’s not saying anything.”

There’s an even longer pause as I straighten to my full height, with my back to my mother. 

Slowly but surely, the silence becomes deafening with that eerie, high pitched, and almost inaudible hum. But I refuse to move. I refuse to make any sound, not with my back to my mother like this. 

Just before I start to twitch with impatience, my mother speaks. 

“Well, I hope he’s better soon,” she pats me on the back a final time and begins to leave. “Your father’s bringing pizza tonight, and I have to go do paperwork.”

I nod and let her leave, but don’t redirect my gaze towards her, and still don’t take a step from where I stand. No body part of mine is moving, not even the strands of my hair. “See you, Mom.”

“See you, Tobio,” and she walks off, grabbing her bag again, the sound of her footsteps clear on the kitchen’s tiles. After a few seconds, she shuts the door to her office behind her and leaves me in silence once again.

Sighing, I turn back to the sink and continue my work as if nothing happened.   
  


* * *

 

_ A white haze surrounds me in this dream, there is no particular location. _

_ After a few seconds, Oikawa emerges from the mist a few meters away from me in his old volleyball uniform, but it’s torn and dirty with mud stains.  _

_ The dream is lucid. I trot over to him. “Oikawa?” My voice echoes. _

_ He turns to me, now only a meter away. “Kageyama.” _

_ “Where is Hinata?” I ask, somehow knowing that finding him is the task here in this dream.  _

_ “Hinata will come in time.” _

_ “Is he close to us… here? What even is this place?” I turn around. _

_ “He’s close. But first, I have a task for you.” _

_ “A task?” _

_ “Find the Blue Castle’s Bridge. Someone else can help you there. Take this stone and wash it with the water, and bring it back to me.” _

_ Confused but unwilling to mess up the dream, I take the grey matter and start running off in a random direction.  _

_ It’s not long before I lose Oikawa and find a stream. Jogging along, I follow it to a bridge and see a castle on a hill behind it. Bending, I rinse the stone and pocket it.  _

_ “Kageyama,” I look up to see Iwaizumi, a knight clad in bright, polished armor and a deep blue cape, riding atop an armored horse and brandishing a spear. “Greetings.” _

_ “Iwaizumi. I am looking for Hinata, Oikawa told me someone at this bridge can help.” _

_ “Hinata is wandering the earth,” the knight dismounts from the steed, who whinnies and shakes its mane. “Rumor has it, his Crow’s wings were cut off and he was dragged into the Dungeon. I suggest you go there.”  _

_ “Do you know anything else?” _

_ “My armor gets in the way and is a hassle to take off. Take this vial, go to the castle moat, and fetch me a piece of silver.” _

_ “That’s it?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ I sprint up to the castle, everything still white and hazy except for its stone and the colorful moat. I dive in, surprised by the depth, and spend a minute just to reach the bottom.  _

_ I return to Iwaizumi with the silver and we exchange thanks.  _

_ Once again, I set off. But this time, I realize that I have wings, Crow’s wings, and I begin to fly. _

_ I find Oikawa and give him the stone, but don’t stay for long. _

_ As I go, higher and higher, I fly over a forest. The haze and mist disappear from the ground, which turns into a solid being of dirt and rocks and all the rest. Multiple times I feel like I spot Hinata in the corner of my eye, but when I look closely and dive down, the redhead is nowhere to be found. _

_ Soon enough I find a stone fortress, guarded by multiple people clad in all colors and of all different forms. _

_ A black cat, the size of a lion, is the first to stop me. _

_ “Storming the Dungeon again, I see,” Kuroo leers at me, a smaller white and gray owl alighting on his back.  _

_ “Is Hinata here?” my voice is urgent. “Please, I need to know.” _

_ “Hinata is here. Yes,” the owl, small enough to fit inside my hands, is quick to chirp. “Hey hey hey! Hinata is here. Yes.” _

_ “What can I do to find him?” _

_ “Chase him?” Kuroo paws the sparsely grassed ground. _

_ Another man with crows’ wings flies over. It’s Tsukishima. “I don’t suppose you would know this, but Hinata escaped his cell yesterday. However, escaping from the Dungeon itself is nearly impossible, even Ushiwaka is still held inside, so Hinata is probably roaming around aimlessly.” _

_ I turn to Kuroo and Bokuto. “What’s in there? Anything dangerous?” _

_ “Many things. Hey hey hey! Many things,” Bokuto taps Kuroo’s ear with his talons. “Careful, you must be careful, hey hey hey!" _

_ Tsukishima sighs, handing me a sledgehammer. “He’s right. Have this. We don’t have anything else we can give. Good luck.” _

_ Hesitantly, I take the blunt object. “Thank you.” _

_ They let me push past them and up to the gigantic, iron studded doors of the fortress which open with a massive creak. Staring into the darkness, I venture in. _

_ My footsteps echo. I call Hinata’s name. I pass by a skeleton on the floor. _

_ Torches give a dim light. The stone is dark. _

_ I grip my only weapon tighter.  _

_ A shriek. _

_ I turn to my left, sprinting in that direction- _

_ Down the corridor, shoes slapping on stone- _

_ Torches flickering as I shoot by- _

_ Turning the corner- _

_ Watching the bats part- _

_ Praying it’s not Hinata- _

_ Only to find the corpse of Sugawara, his eyes glassy. His neck sticks up as his head tilts back, horribly bitten and still bleeding as the bats part. _

_ No. _

_ Suga. _

_ I fall to my knees at his side. Another one I couldn’t save. _

_ I stop the bleeding. I close his eyes. I move him to the side in a more comfortable position. _

_ Steps heavy, I move on. _

_ Hinata. _

_ Suga. _

_ Hinata.  _

_ Where are you? _

_ A couple more corpses, multiple skeletons and screaming prisoners. Glass boxes, glass cages, stone and metal applied to the same.  _

_ Black ghosts that I have to take many turns to avoid. _

_ “Kageyama… help…” _

_ I whirl around to find Asahi behind thick metal bars, bars too thick and strong for my sledge hammer to break.  _

_ “Asahi…” I touch the bars. As I’ve fought my way through this maze of a Dungeon, I’ve come to know the strength of both my hammer and myself… and I can’t break through this. “I’m sorry.” _

_ All these people I can’t save… it hurts. _

_ It hurts. _

_ “Kageyama… help me… please,” the bearded young man slides down to the ground, pleading. “Help me…" _

_ It takes everything I have to leave, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. _

_ Take a turn here. Go straight. Absently holler Hinata’s name, only to get silence. _

_ I pass by another corpse, and the second I become too lost to find my way back to Asahi, I hear his agonized screams peal through the otherwise empty halls. _

_ Among the words and names in his song of torture, I hear my name. _

_ My name is the last distinguishable thing he says. _

_ He’s dead. _

_ Tears rolling down my eyes, I break into a run, wishing to forget about the horrible things I’ve just seen and heard. _

_ “Hinata----! HINATA----------------!”  _

_ I find Yamaguchi’s corpse hanging on a rope around his neck, suspended in the air and tied to one of the torch brackets. On the wall, Tsukishima’s full name is written with fresh, scarlet blood. _

_ Too late. Again.  _

_ Another sob escapes my lips, and it’s all I can do to stop myself from collapsing.  _

_ In sheer panic, I round more corners and go down more corridors, growing more desperate by the minute. I’ve passed the same pile of bones three times already. _

_ Tears blur my vision when I suddenly hear his cries. _

_ No.  _

_ No. _

_ No more pain. _

_ Screaming. No. Worse. Much, much worse. _

_ Wailing.  _

_ In terror. _

_ No. _

_ Please no. _

_ Wailing in pure pain and fear. _

Please make Hinata be alright if and when I find him. 

_ By now I don’t know how far I’ve run, but I go through a new corridor. Only to follow his voice. Drag the hammer, bring everything.  _

_ Save him. _

_ He’s at the end, and even from a hundred meters away I can hear his sobbing. I can hear his cries for help.  _

_ Don’t worry, Hinata, I can save you. _

_ I have to save you. _

_ I love you. _

_ But before I can get any further, a creature comes to obstruct my way. It’s a gigantic lion with the head of Hinata’s mother. _

_ “Move!” I try to shove past, but with the easy swing of her paw I am tossed to the ground.  _

_ I struggle in vain, trying and failing to push her away when she lays her paw on me. _

_ Her voice is a strange mix of warm and icy. “I need you to solve a riddle.” _

_ “What riddle?” _

_ “My riddle.” _

_ “Move! My friend- my love- is in danger! I don’t have time to be solving riddles!” my sledgehammer is just out of reach, lost when I was pinned down. “Get off!” _

_ “Solve my riddle, and I will let you go. You don’t have a choice,” she smiles coyly. “It will save your friend too.” _

_ I stop. If this can help Hinata, I will gladly do it. Even if it’s just a dream. “Give me the riddle. Please, do this quickly.” _

_ But she insists on speaking slowly. “There is a travelling man, and he is carrying three things: his baby brother, a box of food, and a man-eating cow,” she licks her lips. “While approaching the town he will trade said cow at, he comes across a river with a single boat. The boat is too small to carry all the items, and the traveller can only take one thing over at a time. The cow cannot be alone with the baby, and the baby cannot be alone with the food. How does he get them all across?” _

_ “He won’t,” is my immediate answer.  _

_ “Incorrect.” _

_ “He has to leave something behind.” _

_ “Incorrect.” _

_ “Fine. He takes the child across, and comes back for the cow. When he gets the cow to the other side, he takes the child back to the first side. He brings over the box of food, and then brings the child.” _

_ She sighs. “Genius, fitting for being a setter.” _

_ “Can I go now?” I urge. _

_ Instead she presses down harder, and I begin to choke. “You’ll not be moving yet.” _

_ “Why?!” I grasp at my throat, at the hot paw that until now wasn’t there.  _

_ “You’ll know what I mean by my next sentence.” _

_ I start to lose my fire as my breath goes. “What?” _

_ “The sun will always set, and it is usually best to retreat before it does. You never know what you’ll find out there in the dark.” _

_ “I don’t-- understand--” my vision starts to turn blotchy.  _

_ Suddenly she releases me and and retreats into the darkness as I cough, lying on the bloody, grimy floor just trying to get my strength back.  _

“The sun will always set.”

_ Is she talking about Hinata? Is she saying that he will inevitably fall or die? _

_ No. He’s not going to die. _

_ I begin to cry again, bringing my hands up to my face. What if my holdup with the sphinx has taken too long? Hinata’s cries ended so long ago, who knows what could have happened? _

_ But then there’s a scream.  _

_ I jerk up. I scramble towards the sound, snatching up my hammer. _

_ More crying from both me and Hinata as I sweep through the halls, desperation ebbing at my sanity. If this dream wasn’t already a nightmare, I would say that it’s going from a dream to a nightmare.  _

_ Hinata. _

_ Be ok. _

_ Please. _

_ Another scream. Right in front of me.  _

_ I barrel forwards, because I am so close now, so close…  _

_ More crying as I storm into the room. _

_ I see Hinata surrounded by shards of glass… _

_ “Hinata!” _

_ He stares at me. _

_ “Hinata, can you speak?! Tell me you’re alri-” _

_ And one- _

_ No- _

_ No no no-! _

_ NO! _

_ One… _

_ One nasty little shard… _

_ One nasty little shard penetrates his heart as soon as I dare to step closer.  _

_ The everlasting, drawn-out screech that follows… _

_ The terrible, strained way it sounds…  _

_ The way it tears through the air, the pain tearing through my body as well… _

_ The way he squeezes his eyes shut, hands clutching at his chest, collapsing to the ground…  _

_ Hinata…  _

_ The dream shatters like the glass shards do, turning to dust when I rake my hammer through them in an enraged, final movement. _   
  


 

 

I wake to find tears in my eyes, staring into the pitch black of my room with my knuckles white and clenched into fists.

The saltwater spills, fear making my stomach turn to stone and plummet all the way down into Hell itself.

“Hinata…. What the hell happened to you…?”   
  


* * *

 

_ Rebound.  _

“Your game is off, Kageyama.”

_ Ball to hand. Ball to ground. _

“Yeah. I was…”

_ Rebound. _

Ukai sighs. “You don’t need to explain.” 

“My bad. I’ll try to focus.”  _ Ball to air. Ball to hand. Ball over net. Ball misses water bottle. _

“You shouldn’t try to multitask, it’s inefficient.”

“Coach, I’m alright.”

“You’re not.”

“I insist.”

“No, _ I _ insist. And I’ll spare the arguing, I’m benching you for today.”

I flinch.

“Don’t be so surprised, you’ve watched me bench people before,” he huffs. “Close your mouth and stop gaping at me. Go sit down and sort your stuff out, and at least mentally prepare for this weekend’s match against Ouran High School.”

“Ukai-”

He turns his back. “Don’t even try.”   
  


* * *

 

**Today after school. Meet me by the bus stop. I will tell you what I wanted to say yesterday.**

 

I pass the note to some kid, who passes it on to Hinata.

It comes back a minute later.

 

**Alright. Thanks.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick fyi: since this month is basically "prepare for final tests/do your final projects month", at my school, I will be under a ton of pressure from my school. Chapters for this particular fanfic take a really long time to write, so I probably won't update much if at all. The first part of Scene XIII is around halfway done though, so there is a chance of that coming out, but don't expect any more chapters after that. 
> 
> I have started a new series called 'Glittering Scales', which is also a Haikyuu fanfic. more notes about it are provided over there, but i am kind of excited for it and intend for it to be much shorter and to-the-point than Five Months. Mermaid Kageyama/Human Hinata, with major human/human Daisuga in the background. 
> 
> I have met with a psychologist and am meeting her again tomorrow. I don't really know where I'm going with my life right now, but I will do my best to remain here for you readers :)


	13. Month I, Scene XIII part i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, sorry for the long update, I've been really busty these past few weeks, and plus writing this chapter really dragged along and i didn't like it, so i didn't work on it for a really long time.  
> This chapter is probably going to be one of my more boing reads because my heart want' really into this chapter lol

**Scene XIII, part i**

 

Hinata creeps into my apartment before me, peering into the darkness and silence as if a monster will jump out at him. 

“It’s ok. We’re alone. I promise,” watching him, I pocket my keys, still slightly unnerved from last night’s dream. “C’mon, let’s go in. Just sit on the sofa and don’t ask questions for now.”

He eases up a little bit and tip-toes in, immediately taking a seat on the black leather couch in the center of my living room.

Careful not to scare him, I softly shut the door. It clicks behind me as I cast off my shoes and discard my jacket, turning on a single light near where Hinata is sitting.

Turning, I find him hunched over, huddling into himself as if cold. He nervously makes eye contact with me, breaks it, and then makes it again.

Gently and almost motherly, I sit down beside him and let my weight make him lean towards me. 

_ He died in my dream last night. _

_ What would have happened if I was just a bit earlier? What would have happened if I had not stopped for Suga? Asahi? Yamaguchi? All the others? _

  _No. I can’t think these thoughts. They are all important to me. Even though they have mostly subsided, I can’t let my selfish thoughts invade my life again. Not like junior high._

I tear my gaze away and reach under the couch, feeling around for the first aid box that I left there last night.

Picking up the thing and bringing it into Hinata’s wary vision, I rest it on my lap. Through the silence, I hear the click of my nails on the red plastic, which is cool under my skin. 

I can’t help but notice that Hinata’s hand twitches at the sight of the box, as if it’s a lost body part he yearns to have back.

But instead of handing it off to him, I touch my hands and lace my fingers together over it covering the white cross and blocking the symbol from Hinata’s gaze. When I see his face, however, his dull eyes and his thin-lipped expression tell me that he already knows, and my imaginations are confirmed.

_ Please don’t open the box, Kageyama. _ His eyes seem to say.  _ I know what you have planned and I don’t want to see it. _

But I have to go on.

“Do you ever look in a mirror?” I whisper. Probably shouldn’t be too straightforward with this, Hinata might not take it that well and could see it as an attack. 

He doesn’t look at me.

 “My mother broke them,” he whispers back, scrunching closer into himself, closing up like a clam. “Earlier this month.”

I raise my eyebrows.  _ Why would Hinata’s mother break all the mirrors in Hinata’s house? Is she scared of reflections or something? Were they all gifts from Hinata’s father that she wanted to destroy?  _ I try to show that I process what he’s saying, but since he’s clearly uncomfortable I don’t push for more information. “I see.” 

_ What if the glass shards that killed him are the mirror’s- _

_ No. Don’t think like that. _

Mentally I shake my head as mumbles something under his breath. But even after a few seconds, he doesn’t relax at all.

 

_ 1…  _

 

_ 2…  _

 

_ 3…  _

 

_ 4…  _

 

_ 5…  _

 

_ 6…  _

 

_ 7… _

 

_ 8…  _

 

_ 9… _

 

_ 10…  _

“Hinata?”

He glances up.

“Come with me,” rising, I take the case with me and lead him to the bathroom. With a wave of my hand, I gesture for him to go first and he follows suit. 

I have to resist putting an arm around him when he passes only inches from my chest.  _ I don’t want you to die. Not like you did in my dream.  _

When we get inside, Hinata only stares out the window like a fish in a glass bowl, like a dog tied to a fence post in the rain.

I wait until he finds the courage to turn to me. His eyes are solemn and welled with a deep sadness, a look at that makes my stomach clench and turn over, and my train of thought change its course. 

_ Why can’t you tell me anything? Is it really that bad? _

Fighting the undeniable tension hovering in the air, feeling like the world could snap in two in a mere millisecond, I flick a hand at the mirror. “I want you to look at yourself.”

_ Focus, Tobio. _

He begins to turn but I catch him on the shoulder. “Don’t brush it off as nothing. Don’t say you look the same as you did two years ago, because there is no bigger lie you could ever tell me right now.”

I try to pour as much sincerity into my eyes as I can when he gazes directly at them. But after only a second, he turns away. He hangs his head and puts his hand over mine, as if to say,  _ I’m lost. I’m sorry. But let me go. _

The feeling of him and his distant warmth almost drains me of my self control. 

“I won’t,” he says shortly. 

I release him, letting my index finger trace down his arm, down the soft fabric of the sleeve of his navy blue shirt… passing the bony elbow, nearing his bare wrist… just out of the way in that he won’t notice it… 

But I make sure to withdraw my hand before I get too carried away.

_ Remember, you love him, but he doesn’t love you back. Just forget about it for now. _

I spy on over his shoulder as he examines his face in the mirror, leaning over the counter until his eyes are mere inches away from the eyes of his reflection. Unconsciously, he reaches out and his fingertips brush the glass of the mirror. 

_ My love for you is too strong. _

_ “The sub will always set.” _

_ Did the sphinx mean that Hinata will lose or die no matter what? _

_ No. Forget that. He’s going to get through this. Dreams are just dreams. _

Soon he’s looked at every exposed part of his body (which isn’t much, by the way). For a second, his eyes linger on some dirt on his left hip. I notice a long string of stitches on the right shoulder of the white fabric, even though he doesn’t look at it himself. 

“Now do you know why I worry so much?” I breathe, placing the red box on the counter. 

“I look worse than I think I do,” he mumbles out. “I didn’t think that-”

He cuts himself off, quickly forcing himself into silence. 

I wait for a cough or something of the sort, but it doesn’t come.

_ He’s hiding something. _

“Think that what…?” I try to leave the question open and not an attacking force. 

“That…” and I can already tell that he’s trying to craft a good excuse. “Falling down the stairs would give me so many bruises.”

_ Is falling down the stairs really the best you can do? Or do you want me to call you out on your lies?  _

The way he purposefully avoids my gaze makes my stomach clench once again.  _ Is he in such an immense amount of pain that the mere look in my eyes can push him over the edge? If that’s the case… then…  _

_ Hinata, are you trying to make me see past your walls, and is this unwanted, out of place privacy a test of some sort? And if so… why are you going to such lengths to test me? Do you know that I love you, and are you trying to see how much I love you? _

_And even if not, what does this all mean?!_  

_I need to say something. If he thinks that I’m going to keep falling for his lies, he’ll never tell me the truth._  

“I know that’s a lie, Hinata,” I say, and he instantly tenses. In response, I quickly tell him, “But I’m not going to question you now.”

His shoulders relax a bit, and he still insists on not looking me in the eye, so I take his hand. “I want to help you with your wounds.”

“Oh,” he utters in a small voice-- and as a noise that sounds almost rehearsed.  

I grit my teeth in frustration.  _ How does he not see how pressing this is? These are his goddamn fingers we’re talking about here! _

I yank his hand up to my chest, swallowing back my frustration. I stare at the wounds, and at one band-aid in particular. 

I take a breath.

  _Calm down._

_ Anger won’t help him. _

_ Anger didn’t ever help anyone. _

“Don’t worry,” I feel his bandages, his scabs, his band-aids. “I’m only going to do your hands for now.” 

_ Breathe, Tobio, and let him breathe too. He probably needs some space.  _

_ Breathe. _

“B-but how can I trust you?” Hinata blurts. When I look up, I am immediately met with a pair of terrified eyes.  “I-I-I can tend to them myself! I… I have more experience because I use this box more than you do. I trust and know my own ability more than yours.”

“No, I insist,” dismissing his request, I reach over to one of the cabinets and grab a washcloth. “Do you ever disinfect them? Hydrogen Peroxide?”

He doesn’t respond. 

“Let me do this, Hinata. I’m not going to let you go on like this,” I remember his bleeding self in my dream, and strengthen my resolve. 

“But…” he murmurs, taking a step back. 

“Hinata,” our gazes lock again, mine stern and commanding. 

“I…”

“You already have scars from improperly treated inflictions,” growing impatient, I point to a white line on his thumb.

He sighs, and I have to hold myself back from hugging him again. 

_ Ah, great. _

“I did research,” I say, and throw something out after it. Something about not thinking. I don’t know but don’t care either, because by now I’m more focused on a band-aid off of his index finger. “Can I?”

“Any more than the hands, and any questions about their origins, and I will  _ kill _ you,” he mutters, but nudges his hand forward and into my chest, and ends a little bit more towards me so that it’s easier for me to treat him. 

Part of me internally smiles at the touch, another part internally scowls at the first part because of the smiling, and the last part internally waves its hand, barely bats an eye, and remains focused on the task at hand

“This is going to hurt a little, but I think you know that by now,” I gab as I lay our pile of hands on the table. Slowly, I start to peel one of the bandages away, pausing when he exhales sharply. 

I observe his eyes. 

He’s not in too much pain yet. 

I keep going. He visibly grits his teeth with the obvious pain, and I’m tempted to stop and ask how he’s doing, but the now rare ferocity in his eyes stops me. I don’t want to break that look. Not yet, not when he still has it. 

One band-aid. Two band-aids. A makeshift bandage with a piece of cloth tied around his knuckle. Dried blood lingers on several of the bandages, most of which are old and should have long been replaced. 

His fingers are thin and to me, they seem much more brittle than before. His skin is dry, and from that I deduce that he’s been neglecting to apply his lotions recently. 

But why?

I pull off the last one and toss it into the garbage can along with all the rest. 

I close my eyes for a second as I turn the faucet on and wash my hands. _ These wounds are not from the glass shards. They are made from an unknown cause, an unknown cause that exists in this world, that does not involve magic or floating pieces of glass and whatever other absolute shit your mind can conjure. So shut up.  _

Reaching over, I open the First-Aid Kit. The unused bandages glare back at me and I look away. Turning on the faucet, I wash my hands and Hinata follows as I dry them off.

As I put the towel down, I watch as Hinata squirts soap on his hands and marvel at how he expertly maneuvers around them. Every mark and blemish he knows exactly where it is, where to apply pressure and where it’s too delicate. 

_ But if he can do that so well, then who knows how many times he’s looked at those wounds, treated those wounds, and whatnot…  _

I force myself to banish the thought from my head. 

_ Concentrate, Tobio.  _

Suddenly, Hinata is screaming, clutching at his hand as if a bee stung it.

Quickly I grab his hand, which now has blood on it from a reopened cut on his left index finger, and make him put it back under the water. I hate making Hinata feel this pain, but the cut needs to be cleaned.

He groans softly, and I have to resist the urge to hug him to my chest. Instead, I just put a hand on his back. Thankfully, he leans into the touch, and next thing I know he’s leaning against my chest. 

When I try to put soap on the cut, he tries to yank his hands away, but I keep him. 

_ I’m sorry, Hinata. _

When the cut stops bleeding, I guide his hand out of the water. I don’t miss his low hiss in pain, but I decide to ignore it for now. 

He sinks to his knees as soon as I let go, and once again I have to resist from hugging him. Instead, I take his hands, take one of the clean cloths, and press at it gently, as if I’ve found a wounded rabbit for the animal on the side of the road and am trying to heal it.  

He groans softly. 

Eventually, after a minute or so, I reach up and bring down the supplies to the floor. I clean the wounds, and bandage them, and soon enough I’ve done everything on his hands.

There are more cuts on his right hand. I guess that would make sense because he’s right handed… but what’s he doing  _ with _ that hand?

“Okay,” I murmur. “Okay.” 

I look up at Hinata to check on him, but he gives me a blank stare. I can tell he sees me though, his eyes are keenly focused on my hands and my eyes. 

I recognize that look, I remember that it was how he looked when we lost that match with Aoba Johsai in first year, that was how he looked after the Nekoma people died. It’s the look that says,  _ ‘don’t disturb me, let me think. Let me absorb this all.’ _

So I let him be. 

I have to stop myself from cradling him in my arms though. He looks just so… empty.

I try to distract myself by pushing his sleeves up, but that doesn’t help. 

Sighing, I close my eyes for a second. I can’t only concentrate on the scars. Hinata needs healing, and I will do that and nothing more. 

The minutes tick by like molasses, and the cuts and bruises keep coming and getting treated, and eventually Hinata’s passiveness infect me like a disease, and eventually I’m just acting like a robot. Correction: a robot who cares so much that they shut themselves down. Or something, I don’t know.

After I can’t find anything else to heal, I just withdraw my hands and lay them in my lap. 

_ If my hands were as damaged as his are, what would I do? How is he living through this? _

Suddenly I’m aware that he’s speaking. 

“Huh?” I stare up at him, eyes wide. 

“I said thanks,” he murmurs, examining his bandages. As he turns his arms over, I stand up.

I stare at his body for a few seconds. It strikes me that he suddenly reminds me of… Sugawara. I don’t know… but he just suddenly looks so… aged. Mature, here, now, even though his scars show that he’s either weak or just fighting so hard… 

Against glass.

Against the acid lake. 

These things that I can’t help with. 

Frustration clamps down on my chest like an eagle’s talons on a mouse. 

Hinata finishes examining his bandages, everything, scratching at his neck, carefully avoiding this one bruise he has over there… 

Guilt joins the bandwagon of emotions in my heart.  _ What’s happening here? _ I know I’ve already asked this to myself a million times, but still having no answers… dread is starting to build in my chest.

“Two weeks,” I snip. 

He’s startled for a second, but then his shoulders relax. “Until what?”   


“Two weeks until we do this again,” _I want to check in on you, I want to make sure that this doesn’t get worse._  

He looks slightly taken aback, as if he’s the mouse that eagle just snatched. “F-fi… ok, sure.”

I nod in approval. “Good.” 

I turn and lead him out of the bathroom. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: I know some people who read this work have read other works by me, so is anyone REALLY looking for another update on a specific work? MONTH II FOR BOTH HINATA AND KAGS are each going to debut in the NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS, even through Kags for this month isn't finished. 
> 
> Thanks for reading guys :) be sure to leave a comment or kudos so I know readers exist :)
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO, IS IT BAD THAT I BINGE WRITE SONNETS?
> 
> if you want to read them their in my work 'letters to the intangible'  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/9797816/chapters/25018740


	14. Month I, Scene XIII, part ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cleaning up/ resolving last chapter, minor conflict ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! 
> 
> I'm back from camp and from Italy, so now I can update chapters! Yay! 
> 
> I actually had this and another chapter finished of before camp, but they needed some polishing and such. I have a lineup of about five scenes that are going to be published every half week or so, and spend some time writing daily. 
> 
> I've also been coordinating with my editor about the future of Five Months, and now I have a general outline for how it's going to go. The angst will really ramp up next month and I'm going to experiment with unreliable narrators (especially with Hinata) and with depression, so just a heads up here. (well, if you've made it to this point, especially through the Hinata version, you should be cool with the stuff coming up haha.)
> 
> As far as everything else goes:  
> Right now I'm in a music program that goes on for several hours each day. I'm with a band that the music school put together, and we're writing songs together. Funnily enough, my band has the youngest average age, but I think we'll be okay. We're recording the songs next week, and I'm really excited.

###  Scene XIII, part ii

 

I disgruntledly follow Hinata out of the bathroom and down the hallway, watching him realize that he’s just tied his left shoe on his right foot and vice versa. He shakes his head.

But that’s not what I’m worried about. 

“You really have to tell me where these are from. I can’t stand it,” I gesture at his scars and bruises. I know I only promised that I’d not ask last week, but to the extent combined with the number of the injuries force me to break my promise.

He replies without looking up, now tugging one his shoes off. “I can’t tell you.” 

I eye his bandages.  _ I know what’s under there, I know the scabs and the cuts and the rubble I took out. _ “Is it that you  _ can’t, _ or that you just don’t  _ want _ to?”

When he takes his time to respond, his mouth hesitantly opens and closes like a starving animal debating whether or not to eat a log. Still waiting for him to speak, I take his coat and start to swing it back and forth by the hood. 

Eventually he just closes his mouth and says nothing, pretending to fiddle with the laces of his shoes. He even unties one of the bows and re-does it, hoping I won’t notice his stalling.

“You can’t hide forever, Hinata,” I press him, advocating to a dangerous point. I should stop and leave him be… but somehow, I don’t. I can’t.  “Whatever’s happening is obviously something you can’t cope with on your own.”

His jaw clenches, and I force myself to stop for a second.  _ He doesn’t believe me. _

But he doesn’t know how badly he is hurt, and how bad he is at masking his pain. That hurt, that sorrow… I can see it in his eyes now, I can see it in the way his eyelids sag and the lack of light reflecting off of his irises. “You can’t say that I’m wrong,” I badger on, “because if I was you wouldn’t be standing here and I wouldn’t be asking you these questions.”

Hinata glares at the floor, his voice lashing like a whip. “I’m  _ not  _ getting you involved in this,” he mutters through his teeth, fiercely yanking at the double knot in the bow in an effort to make it looser.

Taken aback by the sudden firmness, my eyebrows go up, but now it’s more with the frustration from being challenged rather than from amusement. “I’m fed up with this. You’re always denying me-”

“Then so be it,” he spits. After a moment, he glances up, but then his gaze still refuses to leave his shoes.  

I know that at this point, I’m beginning to push it, but I’m so _ close _ to exploding that I struggle to keep my voice level. “Then let me  _ change the question _ .”

He doesn’t respond, so I continue, leaning back against the wall behind me. “What do you think will happen if you tell me the truth? Is the world going to end or something?”

Biting his lip, Hinata finally unties his shoe and starts to take it off, still having to work a bit at the “I… I don’t know how you’ll react.”

I fold his coat over my arm, vaguely aware that I’m crumpling it up. “But you don’t know until yo-”

“Well maybe I don’t  _ want _ to know. Maybe I don’t  _ want _ to try,” he grits, folding his arms. And right then, he looks so small that I can feel the pity surrounding my heart, and some my own desperation is wiped away, replaced by this pity.

My mouth opens to ask him why, but then he says, “because I  _ know _ you.”

I swallow, knowing that there is probably more truth in his words than I know. I get off the wall and squat beside him, my resolve only strengthening. “You  _ can not _ know everything.”

His gaze snaps to mine, his eyes a rare, cold stare, warding me off like holy water to a demon. “ _ You made a promise not to interrogate me. _ ”

Suddenly I’m on the defensive, finding myself saying, “and I’m not!” 

I fold my arms and he begins to work at his other shoe, yanking at the fraying laces. 

“I’m giving advice-”

“Well it doesn’t seem like it to me,” he snaps. 

Now I’m not sure who’s bugging who, or who is begging who to respond. “I’m saying that you  _ should _ talk. I never ordered you to do so. Really, Hinata.”

“It’s implied,” he mutters under his breath, and finally I snap as well.

“Well, I’m  _ sorry _ for worrying about you.”

I stand up, waiting for Hinata to throw out some backhanded comment, but it never comes, and there’s an awkward silence as he finally yanks off the other shoe. He pauses to make sure his bandages are still in place, but again I can tell he’s only stalling, waiting for me to speak. 

So I do. “Why won’t you tell me? You never answered me.”

He takes a deep breath in, and exhales loudly. “Can’t tell you, don’t want to tell you… I don’t know which one it is. Honest. I don’t know.”

“Like that tells me anything,” I coarsely remark, knowing in the back of my mind that Hinata really doesn’t know. Or probably doesn’t, but maybe he’s just dealing with too much… but still, I need to know. He’s still in trouble, even if he can’t figure out why he isn’t saying anything to me about his struggles. In the end, I push him even more. “Hinata, there’s no one else that’s going to help you through this. I’m all you have.”

“Stop, Kageyama, don’t  _ lie _ to me,”  he hisses. “Stop asking me stuff.”

I sigh, torn between being upset with his secrets, and wanting to cuddle him close to my chest and leaving him alone to make him feel comfortable. But my frustration wins over my compassion, I want him to trust me. I  _ need _ him to trust me, even if it means asking him until I get an answer. “I am not asking. But if knowing how you feel and knowing what’s happening-”

Like lightning, he’s suddenly on his feet, a finger jabbing into my chest, his cold eyes crushing me with their death-stare. “ _ King _ .”

I shrink back, ducking my head. I don’t need his explanation, but it comes anyway, as if to force me into submission. “You might be different now, but the one thing I know about you is that you are  _ prone _ to overreaction.”

I scoff and shake my head, futilely trying to deny it. “You’re wrong.” 

He pushes his spindly finger harder into my chest. “Then tell me at least two times that you  _ didn’t _ overreact in front of me.”

Opening my mouth to retort, I suddenly can’t find anything. When he started crying, maybe I didn’t overreact. But my own reactions seem so natural to me, and if Hinata puts it like that… I must overreact every single time. Defeated, I close my eyes. 

He opens his hand, this time laying it softly on my chest, as if to apologize for his anger. “The longer something has been with you, and the longer the problem perseveres, the more pent up anger will be unleashed and Kageyama, I do  _ not _ want this rage to be taken out in the wrong way and cause consequences for both of us.”

_ So it’s that bad. Someone else is doing something.  _

He gazes imploringly into my eyes, and the longer I stare, the more I see his own desperation and his own frustration. With every passing second, my gaze becomes softer and his touch warms my heart more, until I’ve almost forgotten the tension brewing within me. 

“I’m sorry, Kageyama,” he leans back, off of me, now standing in the middle of the threshold. “I’m really sorry.”

I wave my hand, as if to fan away the confrontment, as if to say that his words didn’t hit something deep in me that I can’t tell what. I start to apologize, suddenly realizing how intrusive I’ve been.

_ Pushing him to his limits like that, to the point where he had to pin me against the wall and call me by the name I hated most… I must have been so insensitive. I’m sorry, Hinata. _ “Tch… I’m…”

But he cuts me off. “I’ll see you later, Kageyama,” and before I can say anything more, he’s snatched his jacket back, laid it over his shoulders, and is picking up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. 

I start to move forward as he begins to rush out, hand already on the doorknob. But at the last second, he turns, and I see a glint of his eyes, but he’s off before I can do anything more than notice him.

Before it closes, I catch the door, leaning out into the hallway, watching his back retreat out the hallway. 

He takes a few steps.

He stops.

He turns.

I can see the tears in his eyes, and I give him a reassuring nod. He returns it, staying rooted in place, and I know that he’s debating what to do. 

_ Your choice is your choice, Hinata. I’m sorry for forcing you. I shouldn’t have done that.  _

He touches his hands to his slightly parted lips, as if to remind himself of something. Or tell me of something, but since he doesn’t make sure I see it, the meaning is probably the former. 

Then he turns, and keeps walking.

I shut the door, leaning against it.

_ God, Hinata _ .

“Please stop this,” I murmur, as if he can hear me. “Please, I wish you could let me help you. I don’t want this for you. I don’t want to see you suffering like this.”

I place my palm flat on the cold surface of the door’s wood. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Then I retreat to the inside of the apartment, wiping my tears away. 

_ One day I’ll be able to help. _

_ One day you can trust me. _

_ Please, oh please let that be soon.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, 
> 
> I actually had this and another chapter finished of before camp, but they needed some polishing and such. I have a lineup of about five scenes that are going to be published every half week or so, and spend some time writing and editing daily. 
> 
> I've also been coordinating with my editor about the future of Five Months, and now I have a general outline for how it's going to go. The angst will really ramp up next month and I'm going to experiment with unreliable narrators (especially with Hinata) and with depression, so just a heads up here. (well, if you've made it to this point, especially through the Hinata version, you should be cool with the stuff coming up haha.) If you think it's increasingly like a vent work, you're right. I'm probably including excerpts of journal entries in some chapters. (Surprise, I already have lol). I'm SO EXCITED and I'm glad i decided to keep going with this.
> 
> As far as everything else goes:  
> Right now I'm in a music program that goes on for several hours each day. I'm with a band that the music school put together, and we're writing songs together. Funnily enough, my band has the youngest average age, but I think we'll be okay. We're recording the songs next week.
> 
> This trip also took us on a trip to Berklee College of Music, just to take a tour and see what's over there. Boy, this is why I want to be a musician. I could go on and on about it, and I'm sure that the people studying there can tell you even more. Holy SHIT that place is cool.


	15. Month I, Scene XIV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> KUROO HAS BEEN SPOTTED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update guys

“Oikawa, are you free today?”

Hearing his name, Oikawa lazily turns around on the sidewalk as he strolls away. Evidently, he’s on break. 

When he sees me though, he perks up. “TOBIO-CHAN?”

“Osu,” I wave away the stares of startled nearby pedestrians.

Then he smirks evilly, using a nasal voice. “‘Oikawa, teach me how to serve!’”

“Shut up,” I fall into step beside him. 

He grabs my arm. “I just got out of work, and since today’s a Saturday, I have nothing for the rest of the day. I see your bag, so let’s go now.”

He drags me along and I follow. Apparently he was going to his apartment anyway, and I just happened to see him on the curb as I was riding by on the bus. Originally I planned to just go to the gym myself and send Oikawa a text or two, this is even more convenient. 

“So, how have you been since I last saw you?” he moves out of the way of a mob of university students. One of them waves at him, and I assume she’s of his fangirls. After flashing her a two-fingered peace sign, Oikawa says to me, “you’ve said absolutely nothing.”

“Hinata and I had a fight, but today I’m just looking to practice volleyball rather than to vent,” shrugging, I pull a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Hinata’s still distancing himself from everyone, and it’s really bothering me.”

“Maybe he thinks you’re nosy,” Oikawa playfully slaps me on the arm. “Silly kouhai.”

“Hey! I’m not nosy, I’m  _ worried _ .” A flicker of doubt nags at me.  _ What if I really  _ _ am _ _ nosy? _ But I banish the thought from my mind. “You know how Hinata talks about anything and everything. It’s strange how he’s not telling me why nowadays he’s beaten up half the time.”

“Beaten up?” Oikawa pauses, musing for once. “By who?”

“He won’t tell me. I’ve asked him a million times and he won’t say.”

“Oh. Ouch, I can see why that would bother you.”

“Yeah,” exhaling deeply and trying to feel better, I lower my gaze. “How about not talking about for a while, okay? I just don’t really want to think about it for as long as possible.”

We keep walking for half a block in silence, Oikawa looking thoughtful and me still looking more than slightly downcast. 

I begin to shake my head, and suddenly Oikawa five-stars me, making my back prickle with pain for the next minute. After I yelp in pain, he advises, “Chin up, Tobio-chan. A team can’t function well when the captain isn’t stable.”

I nod silently. He’s right, of course. “Yeah.”

“So focus.”

  
  
  


A couple sweaty hours later, we’re going on a run to get back to Oikawa’s apartment. He was complaining about being bored of just push-ups and deadlifts and basically just ordered me to go running with him, but I didn’t really mind anyway.

As we jog down the street, Oikawa says we’re going to turn left. I don't argue because I don’t know the city. When we round the bend, however, Oikawa is knocked down by someone else passing by.

“Hey! Watch where you’re… Oikawa? Kageyama?” a red-eyed, drained looking Kuroo helps pull the fallen setter to his feet. “Hey.”

“Long time no see, Kuroo,” Oikawa calls him out. “And holy shit, what happened to you?”

“Ah,” he brushes the back of his hand across his eyes, as if to wipe away tears. “I’m just in mourning, don’t mind it.”

I frown, pulling all of us to the side of the curb. “Who-”

“Kenma and Lev. A year ago. They were… on my volleyball team,” he says painfully. “I’m still trying to let go, and I can say that it’s easily the most painful thing I’ve ever done.”

“I’m sorry,” Oikawa and I say together. While the other setter might still be an ass to almost everyone he meets, he knows that death and mourning are not things to be taken lightly.

“Yeah, it’s hard,” Kuroo laughs without smiling. “It hit Hinata so hard, poor guy.”

“Hinata?” this grabs my attention. “I mean, he knew Kenma and Lev, but he never really explained what happened.”

“The four of us were really close. I don’t know how he is with you, but he was one of our best friends,” Kuroo starts to explain. “We were taking Hinata home from across the mountains, and got into a car accident.”

“Oh fuck,” falls from my lips. “Hinata never told me he was… you know… there.”

“He was. He probably didn’t want to talk about it though,” Kuroo says shortly. “Lev died… on the spot. Kenma… he passed shortly after his surgery, and a rift appeared between Hinata and I as the only survivors. We couldn’t stop blaming each other for it, and as we abruptly separated I’m pretty sure we both started blaming ourselves. Survivor’s guilt, you know?”

“No wonder he’s been in a terrible mood recently,” I murmur.  _ Wait, so maybe this entire month I’ve just been making a big deal about him mourning his friends…? _

_ But no, the markings across his body attest that this is different. This isn’t just mourning. _

Kuroo just nods. “You’re still friends, right?”

_ I love him, but more or less yes of course we’re friends.  _ I nod back.

“Take good care of him, okay? I’m not so close to him anymore, I won’t be able to,” Kuroo runs a hand through his hair. “I’m seeing him later today for the first time in a while, and he’ll only be reminded of what happened last year. Going back home is going to be rough for him.”

“I’ll try my best.”

“Thank you. I just want to make sure he’s okay,” He bows his head, and I become uneasy.  _ Should I tell him about Hinata’s condition…? No, he should probably find that out for himself. Hinata probably wouldn’t want me saying anything, so I won’t say anything. _

“I’m sorry, Kuroo.”

He wipes his eyes again. “Thanks. It’s just… really lonely without the three of them.”

Oikawa reaches out to pat him on the back. “I know that you’ll never forget. It’ll take a long time to let the pain fade, so don’t push yourself to make it better. You’ll just feel worse.”

Kuroo pats the arm and Oikawa takes it away. “Thanks.”

The ghost of a smile appears in all our faces. “Be strong, Kuroo, I know you can.”

“Having strength is and will be strenuous,” Kuroo starts. “But at this point it’s the only good option I have,” he checks his watch. “Well, I gotta go. See you around.”

I wave, and Oikawa pats him a final time. “Bye, Kuroo.”

He turns back into the crowd, and I watch his back retreat into the masses.

Oikawa turns to me. “Let’s go.”

I purse my lips.  _ Why didn’t Hinata tell me about this? _

“Tobio-chan?”

I shake my head. This is just another one of his secrets, I guess. And as Kuroo said, I shouldn’t push him. 

_ I should ask. Maybe that will help him open up to me. _

_ No, that’s not a good idea. _

I look up, back at Oikawa. “Yeah, let’s go.”

He goes first and then I follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chap is kind of sketchy, but I guess it gets it point across anyway so haha
> 
> Mission failed: we'll get em' next time
> 
>  
> 
> I'm already writing the 19th scene lol i have to chill
> 
>  
> 
> jk i have no chill


	16. Month I, Scene XV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama's dad makes a short appearance 
> 
> this is mostly a filler chapter but kind of explains why kageyama doesn't have fits of depression from loneliness hahahhhhahahahahah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyy sorry I'm late

###  Scene XV

 

I wake up with a groggy head, feeling like most of me is still asleep. My eyes feel tired and instead of quickly getting up like I normally do, I sit back and let the softness of my mattress keep me here. 

Maybe all the training for Japan’s National Team and worrying about Hinata is getting to me.

I don’t know.

I close my eyes again, replacing the black of my room with more black. My phone buzzes beside my head, but I ignore it and roll over. I’ve never needed to stay asleep for so long before.

“Tobio?” my father calls from across the closed door. “Are you alright? You’re sleeping awfully late.”

When I finally speak, my voice comes out as a rasp. “I’m just tired,” comes out as something indistinguishable. I cough and can feel phlegm in my throat. Grossed out by its feeling, I quickly spit it into the trash can beside me. I try talking again, and my voice sounds slow and lazy, but it gets the message out somehow. 

There’s a pause. “Can I come in?” 

I sit up, feeling more tired than ever in the past six months. “Yeah,” I sigh.

The door opens slowly. “Morning.”

“Hi dad.”

He sets his coffee down on the nightstand beside me, pulling his bathrobe tighter around him. “Sorry I haven’t been around for a week.”

“You were busy,” I say tiredly. “Again.”

He sighs. “Well, someone’s gotta take care of all your aunts and uncles and stuff, right?”

“What’s left of them,” I murmur. 

“Don’t say that,” he says, but I can feel his inner smile, because I know that he just likes spending time with me anyways. “You seem tired. Going to quit volleyball anytime soon?”

“Of course not,” I scoff. “I’m going to play until they kick me off the team or I die of the Kageyama Family Disease.”

“So basically never,” he quips. 

“Basically never,” I repeat.

“You know, when you were born and I first held you, I never imagined this is how-”

“Daaaaaaaaaad,” I roll my eyes. “You and your nostalgia. Just because I’m a senior going into my dream job doesn’t mean you can torture me more.”

“Yeah, yeah, when you have kids you’ll know what I’m talking about.”

“You’re getting like Uncle Kyoichi,” I tease blearily. “Always talking about his  _ kids _ .”

“Ohoho,” my father leans back, relishing in my supposedly evil smirk. “So you’re saying you’re going to be young forever. Never gonna have kids, aye?”

“Just try me, old fart,” I laugh until he says, “Anyway, you sound like you’re sick.”

“Great, now I have Kageyama Family Disease and am going to die in the next day. Oh  _ no _ .”

“Don’t be like that,” he rolls his eyes. “Like, do you have a cold?”

“I don’t know,” I say and then cough. “Maybe.”

He puts a hand on my forehead and the other on my cheek. “Definitely a fever. Rest up, then. Want some toast?”

“Just milk would be great,” I lie back down. 

“You and your milk,” he smiles ruefully at the ceiling. “Our water is your milk.”

“Yes, it is.”

He begins to walk out, then turns around. “Then maybe we should go kayaking in a river soon.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s milk there. You know,  _ white water _ ?” then he cracks up.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

“Alright, that was a bad one.”

“I know.”

“Tobi-”

“Byeeeeeee, Dad,” I bury my head in my sheets. 

“Oh c’mon,” he groans jokingly, but leaves anyway.

 

* * *

 

Three hours later, I wake up to soggy sheets and fluid on my face. Stomping out of my room, my mom tells me that my dad poured a glass of milk on my head after I fell back asleep, as a “practical joke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i was too lazy to put angst in this chapter but I'm on scene 19 ok so I'm actually getting places ok thx y'all


	17. Month I, Scene XVI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beginning of Hinata being drunk asf lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to the OTW! yesterday was its 10th anniversary!

###  Scene XVI

 

After I shower and get the milk out of my hair, I pick up my phone to tell Hinata that I’m sick. 

I wait for Hinata’s voice for an annoying mminute, waiting all the way until the ‘leave a voice message’ lady speaks. Grunting, I take the phone away from my ear, and dial again. Again, it rings for an pathetically long time.

When he finally picks up, it’s definitely Hinata who answers but he’s clearly not himself.

“No, this is Paaaatrick,” is the first thing I hear. No greeting, no nothing, just a slurred voice that sounds just as tired as I feel.

I frown. “What?”

I hear a sneeze. “Hello.”

I cock my head. “Your voice is nasally,” I say. “Wait, did you get a  _ cold _ ?” I ask.

_ Oh, are we both sick? _

“A bold?” is his response, which confuses me even more. I don’t hear any background noise, so he couldn’t be distracted… “No, no, quite the… um… opposite…”

“No, a cold,” I repeat. I put my phone down for a second. 

“Oh! Ya… a coOOold… ha… no,” he mutters, and there’s a sound of what I think is him falling. 

I start to get worried.  _ What is the guy  _ _ doing _ _?  _ “Are you ok?”

I hear some scuffling sounds, and him falling again. “You still there?”

“Yup!” he exclaims with a whoop. Something’s clearly not right.

“Is something wrong?”

“Maybe so and maybe mo,” he giggles. “Maybe so and maybe no.”

“Hey, do you need me to come over?” I rise to my feet. Genuinely concerned now, I get my shoes on as quickly as possible, with my phone sandwiched between my head and shoulder. “Where are you?”

“Haha no of course not,” he says, but I don’t believe him. “I am aaaaaaaalllllll good. I’m just at home.”

“I think I’m going to have to go.”

“Noooooo…. Don’t do thattt,” there’s a banging sound. 

I grimace, realizing that Hinata probably isn’t safe as he is, and that I probably have to go over there. “Hinata, what are you even doing?”

No response. 

“Oi, say something!”

Instead he breaks into song. “Blobadey doooooo daaaat doooo-”

“What are you saying?”

“Malboo boobbitptty blapphizzy.”

I’m even more baffled. “Huh?”

“Baphilaffle gyntibor aggleflaggle.”

“Are you even speaking Japanese?!”

“Maybe. My English is getting better though.”

_ What the hell is Hinata doing?  _ “That sounds nothing like English! Even I know that and I get close to red [failing] marks on every single quiz and test!”

“Hey, do you want to hear a joke? I’ve got a reeeeeaaaally good one.” it sounds like he is about to laugh. Or cry, I’m not sure.

“I, um… okay?”

“How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a pharma…” another sneeze. It sounds like he drops the phone for a second, due to the clatter that immediately follows the sneeze, but he recovers quickly. “Pharmacist?”

I can’t help but feel like this is meant to be a distraction, and even though I don’t want to fall for it, I don’t see any other way to get to the answers I want unless I play along.

“I don’t know. What is it?’

“Silly Kageyama!” he hiccups. “You just get them to say unionized.”

“What? That makes no sense.”

“You don’t get it?” he definitely sounds closer to crying this time, “but it was so funny when I read it earlier….”

“Maybe it's one of those jokes that you have to read to understand…”

“Ah, that makes so much sense!” he giggles, sounding almost insane. Or something.

My voice gets apprehensive when Hinata doesn’t say anything else. “Is everything really okay…?”

“Of course noooot.”

“No, like did something just happen that cleared up all your problems? Because you’re being  _ way _ too cheerful right now.”

My mind gets a flash to what Kuroo said about Hinata being in mourning.

“Nice try, Kagz.”

I finish getting my shoes on. “ _ Don’t call me Kagz!” _

Then it hits me. Of course.

“Oh fuck… no, don't tell me-!”

Frozen in place, I snort and Hinata gives a giddy giggle and a drawn out “what?”

“Are you drunk?” I throw open the door to my room to get my jacket. That dumbass can’t survive a night drunk, who the hell knows what will happen to him.

Hinata’s “Maaaaaaybae” only gives me a greater edge. 

“So you’re drunk.”

Hinata responds with a hyena like cackle, this time confirming my suspicions. “GehahahahaHAHAHAHA-”

“Ok, you’re definitely drunk,” I nod at my mother, who is in her office and watching me rush out. 

“Like I would know.”

“There’s no denying it,” I pick up a post it note and scribble down that Hinata is drunk and that I’m going to his place. She reads it and nods, waving her hand to let me off. 

“Or maybe you’re the drunk one,” Hinata says, and I just laugh. For once he doesn’t sound miserable, and it lifts my spirits considerably. 

“Who’s the one with the alcoholic mom?” I return just because I can, because he’s drunk and won’t take it too hard.

“Ok, maaaaybe I’m just a tiiiiny bit drunk?” Then he full on laughs, and as I rush down the dimly lit hallway I let myself forget that his smile and laughing are only because of an intoxicated mind. 

“That is an  _ understatement _ if I ever saw one,” I mockingly complain. 

“He remarks in a very unremarkable voice.”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

“Hey, you want to hear another joke? I promise this one will be better!”

I sigh, and Hinata just tells the joke anyway.

“What do you call it when someone robs a drug store?”

“Did you just look up chemist jokes?”

“A  _ PILL _ -AGE!!!”

He laughs again, and I snort, saying, “how did you even get drunk in the first place?”

“Oh I dunno, maybe I drank some alcohol, eh?  _ Hm, I wonder. _ ”

“No, like why?”

“Uh…”

Shaking my head, I finish descending the stairs and walk straight out to the bus stop beside my apartment building. “Ok, that’s it, I’m going over to your place. See you in a few.”

I hang up and hurriedly climb into the bus, which conveniently pulled up just a minute after I shoved my phone into my pocket.

Oh, this is going to be a long night.

_ But I’m prepared _ .

I sigh when the bus stops at a light, shaking my head. I don’t know why I feel so happy, it’s almost as if I’m not sick anymore. As if I’m floating on a cloud.

But hearing Hinata laugh… it just kind of made something click. It wasn’t until now that I know how much I’ve missed this laugh. The real laugh, the real Hinata, the Hinata I first laid eyes upon and the Hinata fell for over the course of the last two and a half years.

I love him too much.

I know it’s too much for both our sakes, but honestly I have no clue how to suppress it. I can only express it, and take that to whatever needs I want to.

Hinata.

Hinata.

Hinata.

_ Why am I so happy? _

Then it occurs to me that this good time will end soon.

But I swallow and sit back in my seat. It will end, but if I work hard enough and can support Hinata, then I can make this come back without the help of alcohol or anything. If I work hard enough, then I can get him out of whatever situation he’s in. 

It will be just me, and just him.

He’ll be smiling. I’ll be smiling. And nothing can come between us. Not his parents or his sister. Not my parents. Not the fact that society hates gay people. Just us, me with volleyball and his good mood and his kindness and his laugh and skill in teaching English.

And it will all be peaceful. 

My heart aches.

_ But it might not come true, you know that Tobio, don’t lie to yourself like you were in middle school about being great for the team and all that…  _ The other side of me interjects, but I argue yet again. 

_ But I can spend this one night thinking that it  _ _ can _ _.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being lazy with the updating, I'm trying to make the next two chapters as funny as possible because it's probably the only funny thing I'll ever write other than my chatfic lol


	18. Month I, Scene XVII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A WHOLE TON OF SHIT GOES DOWN
> 
> hinata is so drunk lol
> 
> shoutout to suggestive sloth for editing this, bc I've never been drunk before so idk if I'm doing it right...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy this chapter, i had a lot of fun writing it
> 
> Sorry it took so long to write this! Coming up there will be a lot of angst and stuff so this is kind of like when the teacher goes "okay kids y'all have to take your exam now so get all the funnies out now."

###  Scene XVII

 

A laughing Hinata opens the door and collapses against me, clearly drunk out of his mind. 

“Kageyaaaaaaaaaammmmmaaaaaaa????????” he whimpers and clutches his foot in pain, murmuring about a lego brick.

Then he jumps away and starts to speak rapid fire. “Look Kageyama, I have chambeerwine!”

By the way he displays the white wine in the red wine glass, I determine that this is what ‘chambeerwine’ must be. He might as well have taken a bath in the drink when he finishes it. Eyes trailing all over his shirt, I find numerous other stains ranging from dirt to blood to food to alcohol to something blue. I almost don’t want to touch it. What kind of troll doesn’t wash their shirt?

“Oi, dumbass, put that down,” I stride over to him to take the glass from his hand, suddenly hearing the crunch of glass underfoot.

Eyes widening, I rush over to Hinata, taking the glass away and dragging him over to the living room as he groans “no, not my chaaambeeeerrrrwiiiiineeee, give it baaaaaaacccckkkk.”

Thank god he still has his shoes on. The kitchen and living room look reasonably clean (besides the gigantic puddle of water by the sink and the dishes all over the place), so I reason that the dining table is in its state because Hinata’s mother is drunk all the time, or because Hinata is drunk this one time. 

Quickly scanning him, I make sure that there’s no glass on him that could potentially cut him. My attention is brought back to Hinata’s face when he thrashes under my grip like a fish out of water. “Kageyama, let me goooooo…”

I yank him closer to me. “Oh no you don’t, not yet you Flamehead Dumbass.”

“I’m not a Flamehead Dumbass, I’m a loaf of breadass.”

“What?” I let him escape in my confusion.

“I’m a loaf of bread! See?” he exclaims and curls up into a ball on the ground. “See?”

I roll my eyes. “Nope.”

“No, wait!” he cries out and twists his limbs into- “A pretzel!” he announces. 

"You're not a pretzel, you are a human being," I haul him to his feet. "Get up."

"Ok, fine, I'll prove it to you!" Running to the kitchen, he grabs the toaster from inside a cupboard. Sticking his hand inside (without even bothering to plug the thing in) he shouts, "see? Part of me can fit in the toaster, so that must be bread, so the whole of me must be a loaf of it! Duh!" 

I roll my eyes, taking his now sooty hand out if the toaster. "Ok, stop," I say, forcing him to rinse the toaster’s soot off his hand. I'm a little annoyed by how he runs away immediately after, but I'm also entertained by the gibberish now streaming from his lips like water from a fountain. 

As he continues to chirp out random syllables, I begin to clean up the messes in the rooms around us. Hinata, on the other hand, doesn’t restrict himself to any room. Instead he scurries around like a mouse, going this way and that, way too fast for me to track. 

I rinse off the dishes, and as I finish off the last few dishes Hinata happily dumps a cup of water on me.

"HINATA! OI!" I chase after him, circling around the entire apartment in an effort to catch the guy, feeling fluid dripping down my back. It’s cold, and the almost slimy feeling of it causes me to shiver and cringe in pure disgust before continuing to pursue him. (Who knows what was in that water, who knows if it was even clean?!) "STOP RUNNING AROUND--” I skid around a corner-- “YOU--” I dodge around a chair-- “CRAZY LITTLE--" I lunge at him and grab the back of his shirt-- "BASTARD!"

He screams as if wounded, and waves his arms and legs like an insect turned over on its back. But his teasing is given away by the grin that plays at the corners of his lips, on his cheeks red from the alcohol he’s ingested. I let him go, smirking as he runs off to do something else, still shrieking like a bat.

After doing several other chores, I get to the laundry, wherein Hinata pours laundry detergent into the dryer. 

“Why’d you do that?” Annoyed, I turn to him, and his eyes gleam like a hungry eagle’s. In response to his mischief, I grab the nearest bottles I see, spraying Windex and Lysol on him.

"Dumbass!"

"Oh yeah?" He dives into the cabinet, drawing out OxiClean and then Dawn. 

For a second or two, we stand there, the back of my mind telling me that this is a really bad idea. 

Our gazes lock across the narrow laundry room, and he raises the spray bottles like guns, fingers on the triggers.

"Hmph."

I curl my lip, but both of us can tell that we’re just back to our old freshman bickering. 

Hinata moves first.

_ Squirt. _

Then he lunges forwards and we go back and forth, jumping off the walls and ducking under and behind piles of both clean and dirty laundry. 

Lysol here, Dawn there, Windex just barely missing my head. Feints and dirty play (both literally and figuratively) by throwing shirts into each other’s faces to blind each other.

I get a barrage of smelly socks, and return fire by throwing the lint bucket at him. It lands upside down on his head, and he spends a good amount of time looking fairly stupid, trying to get it off, now screeching like a pterodactyl again.

We only stop when the Lysol can is empty and clothes are everywhere, so much that nothing can be traced back to its original location. I'm covered in random blue stains, presumably from Windex or Dawn. (So that's what was on his shirt earlier.) Meanwhile, Hinata is laughing through a complete, foamy beard of Lysol and lint. 

"Who wins?" He stumbles forwards (probably because of the alcohol) as he comes towards me, wiping the foam off his face and onto his shorts.

"Me."

"No, it was totally me."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes.”

"Ugh. Okay, fine, you win."

"Yayyyyy~~~~" Hinata pretty much skips right out of the room and into the hallway, leaving me to shake my head, pick up and put away the plastic bottles he left behind and throw my shirt in with the next batch of laundry.

  
  
  
  


"Hagggaity sbbbbbbb maaaaaajkjkjijjhhjjj," now back at the dining room, Hinata's stamping on the numerous things on the floor, crushing them with glee. "Feeeeee fiiiiiiiiiiiiiii fooooooooo fuuuuuummm, alllll IIIII neeeed is some more rrruuuuuuummmmm. Hhheee33e33eeeee3e hhhiiiiiiiiiiiiii hhhhoooooooooeeeeeee huuuuuummmm, giiivee3 meee noneee youuuu must be duuuuuuuuummmmmbbbbb."

"Oi, Dumbass, what do you think you're doing?" I shove the toaster back into the cabinet, beginning to open others in search of the alcohol's storing place. I mutter to myself, "where is that stupid cabinet?"

"I'm a giant now," he says to my crouched figure, coming up behind me and leaning on my shoulder blades with his knees. "Look! I'm taller than you! I must be a giant."

"Try me," I draw myself up to my full height, now picking him up koala-style on my front and bringing him out of the dining room. I fake drop him, catching him at the last second. As an instinct he locks his legs around my stomach, catching himself. "Look, I can carry you,” I taunt, pulling him back up to our chests are pressed together. “Who's the giant now?"

“Using my reflexes? No fair,” Hinata sticks his tongue out at me and wriggles around in my grip, pushing our shoulders apart, hands just above my armpits. Our hips, however, remain glued together, in part because that’s where I’m holding him up off the ground and because he’s gripping me back with his legs. "I can get out though,” he smirks. 

I can feel his rib cage and spine in my right hand, and my left is below my right and on the small of his back. I trace little circles with my fingers, and he twitches in response. 

"No, you won't," I have an idea. "Hey, do you have string anywhere? I want to test something."

"Ohoho?" After I let him down, he pulls a braided rope out from under the couch. "Look at this. My  _ secret _ ."

Giving him a maniac smile and dismissing the questions that come up in my mind, I snatch the rope from his outstretched hands. "Look at  _ this _ ."

Next thing he knows, his left wrist is bound to my right, and he's screaming his head off, writhing like a snake and trying to get away. 

"No, youu can't hooold me priiisonnerererer!" He halfheartedly shrieks as he waves his hands around. "You're sooo cruellllll Kageyamaaaaaaaa~~~~~~"

I laugh as thrashes about, pulling me across the room, groaning like a small child who was refused their favorite candy. He shakes his wrist and prances around as if standing on hot coals, still whining.

After a few minutes, he gives up the struggle but remains as drunk as ever. 

Without warning he falls with his chest against mine (oof), and as we both lose our balance, I grapple with him and he fights back (multiple oofs). It begins as small pushing, but soon becomes an (almost) serious battle. 

"Yoouu can't contro0O0Ool mee3eEEe3e333," Hinata taunts, but before he completely pushes me over I throw him off balance with our conjoined wrists. He follows the force of my pull and trots around, circling to my right side, giving me that sassy grin that I remember from freshman year. 

"Yes, I caaaan~~" I shoot right back as I regain my balance. Less than a second later, we lock heads like bulls competing for a mate. (Except, Hinata is my mate, at least I hope so, but I mean, um... you know what, moving on.) 

I let him push me back, with Hinata pressing his head to my collarbone. I relish in the sensation, in Hinata, but don't let myself get too focused on that just yet. Returning the ferocity of his stubbornness and sheer force, I back him up to the center of the living room, all four hands now locked together by the fingers. 

"This is baaaasically a thumb war," Hinata says, ramming his shoulder into my rib cage. 

Raising my eyebrows, I let myself get pushed back, nearing the wall. "I guess so, Flamehead Dumbass."

"Waaanaa go, Deadass Scaryama?" We stay in place for a second, hands gripping each other far off to the side, completely forgotten when we huff right there in front of each other’s faces. At this point, his lips are so close to mine that I can feel his breath (a rather sweet sensation) on me, but the scent of it (a not so sweet sensation) causes me to cough and withdraw before pressing on again.

"Challenge me, Short Stuff!" I push him back, and he takes backwards steps across the room, one by one. “And your breath smells like the pits of hell!” I bark.

“Wasn’t that where your mother conceived of you by the devil?” he yells right into my face.

“No, I think you switched our mothers. Your hair is the color that matches the fiery pits of hell!” I push him even further. “So you must be the  _ child _ of that  _ rotten _ world!”

"Oh yeah? Watch this, Satanic Milkman!" Then his head shoots forward and he headbutts me, causing me to yelp and lose my balance for a good ten seconds, with annoying black spots dancing in my eyes. 

But then I fall, hitting my head on a piece of furniture-

And all is black.

  
  
  


I arise as soon as my consciousness comes back. 

"Playing dirty, aren't you,  _ Wounded Sunshine _ ?" Sighing, I'm on one knee before him,  looking up to his face, which has been twisted into a sinister smile so stained with goofiness that I can’t take it seriously. 

But the battle is still being fought, and I haven't lost yet, so I'm going to fight.

Hinata laughs in return. "Hello there. Yes, I am."

"Ohoho. Hello there, fake one,” I dip my head in a mocking bow. “Pretending to be a giant again, I see."

"It's over, Mountain Walker. I have the high ground." 

"Ah, but you forget, I have the power of the Shadow Side."

"Phait me," he bites his lip. "By the power of the Galactic Volleyball Republic and its Senate, you are under arrest."

"I AM the Senate!" I roar. "I will fight you, and I will win. You can only try."

"Do or do not, there is no try! I am certain I will win. Do not make me kill you."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," I spring up and back him up, this time pinning him onto the couch.

But then my own contraption of rope works against me, forcing me to follow Hinata's fall and land on top of him, legs straddled over his hips and faces almost too close for comfort. (Or rather, probably too close for Hinata's comfort. I'm perfectly fine with it, in fact, I have to hold myself back from kissing him full on the lips.)

I stare at him, and he at me, trying not to laugh. 

Nope. 

_ Don't laugh, don't grin, don't you even- _

Next thing I know, his free arm is wrapped around me, his face pressed into the crook of my neck. I respond by dropping my weight onto his chest, and linking our already tied hands, both of us snickering like children mocking their parents. 

"This is so gay," he breathes against me. "So, so gay."

"Is that a bad thing?" Throwing caution to the wind, I roll onto the section of couch beside him. He snuggles closer to me, gripping my tied hand and the attached arm as we lie down the length of the sofa. 

"Only if someone comes in, which they won't because everyone's out. Dunno where," then he laughs again. "And Kageyama?"

"Yeah?" I stare up at the ceiling.

"I think I'm really drunk."

I scoff. "Wow. Brilliant observation, Sherlock." 

"No, but like, I won't remember this. So... um... can I ask you some stuff?"

I debate for a second, but when I see his drunken eyes, I say, "ask away.” 

I put my guard up. Some of this might be lies.

"Yoouu'ree gay... question mark?"

Almost taken by surprise, I don’t even try to deny it. "I am."

"Ok, I have a confession. I'm gay too. And I want you."

I raise my eyebrows. "Me? Who'd ever want me?"

"I think I love you. I want to drown in your eyes, those… oceans, you know? So blue and so beautiful."

"Since when did you become a poet?"

"I don't know, but you... just... you." He exhales. 

I hesitate.  _ A real confession, or a drunken one? _

_ I want to respond…  _

_ But if I do something, if I take it the wrong way- _ I find his glassy yet intense eyes-  _ he won't know. He won't remember. _

_ But no. I shouldn't- I've scared him before. _ _  
_ _ But I probably won't have this kind of opportunity ever again. _

I continue to hesitate, but then my attention gets snapped back to the physical world when Hinata starts stroking my head.

"Kageyama?"

"I..." I close my eyes.

He continues to draw his free hand through my hair, gently yanking on various strands as I battle myself.

_ But I just- _

_ No. _

_ But Hinata is here, before me- _

_ No! I shouldn’t. _

I open my eyes, and what meets me is a desperate look.

Hinata snakes his hand around to scratch a place right behind my ear, and I shiver violently. He holds my tied hand tighter, bringing it up to his chest. As Hinata rests them over his heart, I can feel his heart beating, a beat that somehow just seems... right. I don't know how else to say it, but it's a beat that just kinda  _ belongs _ . A beat that seems so...  _ Hinata _ .

Something deep inside me begins to snap.

It breaks.

In one fluid motion that seems practiced, I grab at Hinata's face.

So close. 

_ Closer. _

I see those beautiful eyes. The brown. The spark. I see the old Hinata. 

I see my own love reflected in those eyes. Then I see my actual reflection. My own hunger. Or rather, whose hunger is it now, anyway?

Closer.

_ When did his eyes get so big...? _

We close our eyes, and then-

_ It's just… _

_ It's just… _

_ Perfection. _

_ Bliss. _

_ Ethereal. _

_ He's not a crow. _

_ He's a beautiful, beautiful, divine phoenix. _

_ I love Hinata. _

_ I love  _ _ you _ _. _

_ Hinata. _

_ Hinata, Hinata, Hinata. _

I kiss him harder.

Eventually, when Hinata begins to struggle for air, we gently separate. In the end, the kiss doesn't seem like long enough, but I don't think any amount of time won't ever be enough. 

My eyes open.

Hinata's open a second later.

"Kageyama."

"Hinata."

"I love this way too much. I love  _ you _ way too much," he breathes.

I hang my head. "I do too. If this whole thing is a fucking lie, if this is just a dream, I'm going to have such a shitty time when I realize the truth or wake up." 

At this he laughs wholeheartedly, legitimately pleasant, not forced, but happily, for the first time in what seems like a million years. My heart soars. 

"Illusions and dreams are funny things, Kageyama," he sits up. I get up as well, then sitting really close to him. "Funny like me."

I grin but shake my head. "But unlike me."

"'Cause you're the Grumpy Satanic Milkman," Hinata yanks my hair.

"Shut up,” I playfully slap his arm.

Then he goes silent.

"You still drunk?" I ask, my voice the first to break the silence. 

"Oh hell yes, I don't even remember what happened when you got here," he gets up, pulling me with me, our tied hands still clasped.

"Well, I won't tell you, you'll just do something crazy again," I smile, not wanting to believe that this could be a lie. 

_ Because... I don't want to let him go. _

"Hey, you should get drunk too!" he exclaims. "C'mon, it'll be fun."

"No. It's not a good idea- we'll literally destroy everything," I pause but then raise my hand. "But I know what is."

He cocks his head. "What?"

"Just... lay with me? Just... let me enjoy you while you're happy. It won't be forever, like this. Plus, I know you want to."

He stops. "Yeah, I guess it won't last forever."

I pull him closer. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"I love you more than you love me."

"Hey, that's wrong. I love you more."

"Ohoho?"

"Ohoho. OhohohohohoHOHOHOHO."

"OyayayayyayayayayayayaayayayayayayayYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA."

Then we're laughing again, only here in the moment, with him under the single light above and the windows dark on the outside. We're trapped, alone, with nobody to disturb us. We're the only ones here. We have it all.

Not I know what all the stupid pop songs mean. Now I know what they’re trying to say.

_ I feel so powerful now.  _

_ I feel like... I can do something. _

_ I feel like Hinata is alright, or he’s going to be okay. _

_ That everything will be okay. _

I sqeeze his hand and fall back onto the couch, him following me and sinking back with his back pressed against my chest. "I'm tired," Hinata sighs. "Since when was I so tired?"

I run a hand through his hair, responding, "I don't know. Maybe you're just way too drunk."

He giggles. "Yeah, probably."

I pull him closer. "Now I'm hoping you actually do remember this."

"Good god, I wish," as he speaks and sighs, I can feel the vibrations travel through his skin. "I love you."

"I love you," then I pause to kiss him deeply on the base of his neck. "I've wanted to say that for so long, and now I finally can... I feel so free."

"Free like a crow."

"Yeah, free like a crow. But you... tell me about you."

"Silly Kageyama. I'm a crow too," he pokes his fingertips against each of my tied hand's fingertips. 

"Liar," I wrap my free arm around him. "You're not a crow, you are a holy fucking phoenix. With holy fire, a wingspan so large to show off its magnificent feathers... a creature so precious that it is basically immortal. A phoenix, that's what you are."

"I'm not good enough to be a phoenix. I think you... you're a crane."

"Nah, I'm not calm or graceful enough to be a crane. You are a flamingo then. Bright. Colorful. A wonder in itself."

He goes silent for a second. "I'll think about that one. Maybe you're a... um... huh. I don't really know, actually. How about a penguin? Those are cool."

I shrug and dismiss the idea. "Penguins are nice, but they don't really seem like... you know...  _ me _ ."

Hinata shakes his head. "EMPEROR PENGUIN!"

We both fall silent, and as the seconds drag on I can tell that he's losing interest in our bird conversation. As for my interest, I let the whole conversation slide by and then quickly let myself forget.

Time slowly ticks by, and neither of us begin a new conversation. It takes a substantial amount of time, but soon enough Hinata falls asleep against me. I can feel his breath going in and out of his lungs, and the sound of breathing and my strokes to his back are the only sounds in the room. 

I close my eyes against the world.

_ Please tell me this is real. _

_ Please, please, please. _

_ I love Hinata too much to let this go. _

Gently, careful not to wake him up, I untie the rope on our wrists, tossing it back under the couch. 

I lean back, about to sleep, but then my eyes fly open.

_ What if Hinata doesn't remember? _

_ No, he must. _

_ But what if he doesn't? You can't just say, 'I know you love me.' That's not going to be an adequate explanation for what happened. I mean, think about it. Hinata hasn't shown any affection for you as of yet, unless you were the one who initiated it. _

_ He probably doesn't like you back. _

I purse my lips. Calling anyone on the phone now would be a bad idea, too embarrassing and troublesome. Can't get any ideas from there. 

If he forgets... I guess I might just have to lie. 

I bite my lip, stomach churning. I hope Hinata doesn't forget.

_ But how do I know? _

_ I guess I just will never know. _

_ Or rather, I’ll just have to find out. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is important i promise
> 
> its actually one of the most important scenes in the entire work lol


	19. Month I, Scene XVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really have to publish those like, five chapters that I wrote and didn't put on the web cuz I'm lazy lol

### Scene XVIII

 

I wake up slowly, my head pounding and my body hot.

_Fuck._

_I forgot I’m sick._

I clear my throat, and then poke at Hinata. He stirs, but not enough to show that he’s awake. As the feeling comes back into the rest of my body, I discover that my arm is trapped under Hinata’s torso. After trying to yank it out and failing, I leave it be and press my free hand against my forehead.

It’s burning hot, and the pressure doesn’t help my headache.

I sigh, resting my head on the pillow beside me. _Might as well go back to sleep._

I close my eyes, trying to rest my head. Last night must have made it worse, I don’t think it was this bad before what happened with…

Hinata…

_Hinata…_

Then the memories come flooding in, shattering my sickness-induced haze like glass. I shoot up, eyes wide, my free hand on my forehead. _What was I_ _thinking_ _?!_

_Does Hinata remember this?_

_Does he remember that I love him?_

_Does he love me?_

My heart pounds in my chest. _Oh no._

But I force myself not to get too far ahead of myself. I don’t know whether Hinata remembers all this stuff yet… he’s not awake yet.

_But he said he probably won’t remember this…_

I shake my head. I have to stop what-iffing. It’s not going to help anyone, especially me. I lay back down behind Hinata, trying to rest again.

A few minutes later, Hinata stirs, and I can tell by the way his breathing changes that he’s now awake. I take a deep breath. _Remain calm, Tobio. Don’t let your hesitation make him nervous._

“How are you?” I ask, watching him carefully.

He shifts around at my voice, lifting his head slightly before laying it back on the couch’s cushions.

“You ok?” I try again, and still get no response. _What happened to him? Does he have a hangover?_ I internally begin to panic, but then a part of me reminds me that he hasn’t spoken yet, and that all hope isn’t yet lost.

He groans softly, and shifts slowly, only to curl into himself.

I give a shot at asking him, “do you remember anything from this morning or last night?”

His head then lolls back onto my shoulder. “Why do I feel like this?” his voice is raspy as he shakes his head, but even that’s slow. Maybe the alcohol really did go to his head. “Where am I…”

After glancing around for a bit, he tries to get up. “Why is this… what…”

_Does he not remember?_

I lay a hand on his neck, smoothly caressing it as if he’s a pet of some kind, probably a cat. “Stay like this,” I start. “And I’ll explain everything.”

I just hug him tighter when he doesn’t respond. “Don’t panic, Hinata, I’m not going to hurt you,” I hug him closer. “Don’t worry, Hinata. You're not in a dangerous place, you’re at home. Just trust me, okay? There’s a reason why I’m pinning you down like this.”

He doesn’t respond, but I can feel his muscles relax against me.

“First of all, today is Sunday… just so you know. Second, we’re in your apartment and your mother and sister aren’t here. Third, I’m not entirely sure what happened, but it seems that sometime last night, you had gotten drunk,” I pause to make sure that he’s taking it in. He says nothing, but I don’t get any hints of confusion from him, so I go on. “I’m not sure whether that was your own doing, or whether or not your mother wanted you to have a sip and you just happened to have a terrible head for alcohol. Anyway, I was calling you- I forgot why- but that time you were really drunk. We had a phone call, and eventually I decided that I would come here. That’s why I’m holding you- I don’t want you to run off somewhere and hurt yourself.”

There’s a blank pause until he says, “but how did you get in?”

I take a couple seconds to remember, but my own memory is kind of foggy. “Well… you… I got on the bus from my place, came over here. I rang the doorbell, and your drunk self answered. You were whimpering about something called a ‘Lego’, and clutching your foot in pain.” I shrug.

Hinata starts to explain what a Lego is, but I wave him off, telling him that I had some pretty fun experiences stepping on them. He nods and briefly presses a hand to his forehead. “Natsu’s not here because she’s at some sleepover. Mom’s at an out-of-town business thing. I can’t remember whether it’s Kyoto or Tokyo.”

“Probably Tokyo,” I reply, putting my chin on his shoulder as if Hinata has become a pillow.

“Yeah, I guess… anyway. Please go on,” he implores me.

“You hadn’t put away all the alcohol, and started drinking the minute you let me close the door,” again, I take a little to think about what happened. _No, don’t think about what you two did… don’t think about you two kissing and all that yet… No Kageyama, don’t let yourself get caught up in that._ “Fortunately, I managed to put all the alcohol away before you fell asleep on me.”

He stares off into space as he takes this in. “What else did I do?”

I bite my lip. He doesn’t remember. I’m not sure if I should tell him. “That’s confidential.”

Thankfully, he avoids my awkward response for a second. “You and your fancy words.”

“Well, you were kind of all over the place and it took you a while before you collapsed- I hauled you onto the couch and waited for you to fall asleep,” as I sit up, I take advantage and divert the conversation with a quick white lie. _It’s just omission, it’s not a lie._ “I originally was going to get up and sleep somewhere else, but I guess I accidentally fell asleep as it was.”

_Not a lie._

_Yet._

But Hinata tries to buffer. “Tell me everything you remember.”

“What if I don’t think you’d want to know?”

“Too bad. I do now.”

“Are you su-”

“Tell me already!”

Disgruntledly shifting and again biting my lip (out of his sight of course), I try to recall everything other than him confessing, other than that small catfight. “Okay, okay, I’ll spill,” I sigh when I finally collect my thoughts. “I tied our wrists together to make sure you wouldn’t do anything stupid, I only undid it right before I fell asleep. You seemed plenty interested in pretending that you were a loaf of bread.”

“What the-”

“I don’t even know,” I quickly press back, only to realize that for an entire night being drunk, my story sounds skimpy. In a flash, I replace the truth with lies. _He can’t know. Not like this._ “Anyway, after you got over that, you took me by surprise,”

Hinata lets me take a breath. _First big lie to Hinata. Don’t butcher it._

“You told me that I’m gay. That somebody told you that I was gay. I don’t know who, you didn’t say. Then you said you were gay too, and you wanted to drown in me and fall asleep in the ocean that’s apparently deep inside my eyes. You pinned me against the wall and kissed me. It didn’t last very long,” I swallow. “Is this- you loving me- is it true-”

“No,” he just barely manages to not cut me off. “I’m not gay… not that I know of, anyway,” he adds.

Something in my chest feels like it’s been stabbed, or torn, or something.

_He said no._

_There’s your answer, Kageyama. He said directly, while sober, that he doesn’t like you._

But the last clause captures my attention, and my final desperation noses into the conversation. “Never had your first love?”

He sits up quickly, then quickly falling back against me. “T-there was this one girl in middle school, but who’s to say that I’m not bi?”

Something about his demeanor is telling me that he didn’t really love this girl. I don’t really know what… but it’s there. “Are you afraid of homosexuals?”

“Not _of_ them, no, but my mother is,” he begins. “I just wouldn’t _want_ to be homosexual because that would be…” he trails off, but I get his message.

“Awkward?” I finish. At this, he turns around, tired eyes making contact with mine. I give a small nod, foolishly continuing with, “what would you do if you were?”

“I don’t know,” he folds his arms in my grip, elbows against my rib cage. “I don’t really want to think about that possibility right now, but I’ll get to that when and _only_ if it happens to be so. I shouldn’t waste my time thinking about things that might just be wrong.”

We steep in silence for a long moment, and my suspicion starts to rise. He says there’s a potential conflict, and the glass in the kitchen could be evidence of a conflict, which is a definite red flag for my suspicions…

Hinata could be getting beaten by his mother for his sexuality…?

But in the end, it’s probably just him being drunk. After all, I walked in at a time where it seemed he had already been drunk for a while, so I honestly can’t jump to the ‘red flag’ conclusions like that.

Then Hinata breaks the silence, distracting me from my troubled thoughts. “What about you, you have a crush, right?”

He looks at me in the eyes again, this time his eyes squinted. “Wait a minute…”

“What?” I raise my eyebrows.

“This is _your_ first love, right?” he pokes my chest.

I can feel my cheeks heat up as I look away. _You_ _are the first love, Hinata._

“Well?” he prods again.

No reason to lie. “Y-yeah…”

Hinata suddenly looks excited. _Is he remembering something?_ But no, what comes out of his mouth is nowhere near what I expect. “Ooh! Do you want to go out with them?”

I frown. “Oi, don’t ask me this stuff,” I touch my hair and then my cheeks, feeling the blood pumping through them again. “It’s _dangerous._ ”

Hinata then frowns at me. “Dangerous? Just a simple yes or no can’t hurt.”

Raising my shields, I break eye contact as I lean back and stare at the ceiling. “I’m not elaborating, _god_ Hinata you should know that.”

I can feel his gaze on me, and I put my hands over my face. “I’m probably _never_ going to have someone who loves me back, so you can forget about that this instant.”

 _Because it’s you. It’s you who I love, it’s you who I want to be with. It’s you who I want to like, or even better,_ _love_ _me back. It’s you who I appreciate and love and adore and…_

_You just rejected me._

_Of course I can’t._

_I want to and I can’t and that fucking hurts._

My heart seems to ache again.

But Hinata seems intent on getting this information out of me. “Please don’t just leave me here to think about all the other painful stuff,” he falls onto my lap, trapping me in place as we make eye contact again. “And no, I’m not spilling about that painful stuff.”

I sigh, speaking vaguely, world screened by the force of my startled and broken heart. “I know you’re not going to spill.”

“Please, Kageyama?”

I consider him for a long moment. Part of me argues that if he doesn’t know that he’s the one I’m thinking of, then there’s nothing to be afraid of. _It’s just a simple question_ , I tell myself. “Fine. I do. I really do. I want to go out with them, but I know they’re really busy with a bunch of stuff and I don’t think that having the burden of spending extra time with me would do them any good.”

_Anonymous. Anonymous. Don’t make it too distinct. He can’t know._

“Oh. I take it that you can’t find a way to open up their schedule?”

“It would probably be very hard to. The only thing I can think of is to do chores for them when they’re off doing something and then hanging with them after, but they’d probably think that I’m crazy,” I shrug, trying not to look into his eyes.

“Oh, well… good luck with them, then,” he laces his hands together and closes his eyes, as if to fall asleep in top of me again.

 _Give me luck with_ _you_ _._

I sigh. _But what if…_

_What if…_

_Maybe all this- all his problems will go away. Maybe he’ll come back, you know?_

_… But that probably won’t happen. Don’t lie to yourself, Kageyama. Hinata is so distant already. Don’t force it._

I examine him for a while. I guess asking him some stuff would be kind of cathartic…

“Hey,” I begin, trying not to make my voice shake.

“Yeah?”

I look at the ceiling again. “If someone wanted to ask you out, how would you want them to do it?”

“Me?!” he squeaks. “B-but that’s stupid- I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I don’t know-”

I click my tongue. “Dumbass,” I mumble. “I can’t trust anyone else with this.”

“What?” he calls up to me.

I repeat my sentence, but my hesitation makes it quieter than the first time. _Fuck, why am I so shy? Why am I like this?_

“Hey, speak louder,” he sits up, leaning against my shoulder.

I repeat again, now wishing I never said it at all.

“Is something wrong?” he reaches out to touch me, and it’s all I can do not to back away in my pain. As his arm wraps around my back and his hand connects with the shoulder he’s not leaning on, I want to cry.

_I want him. I want him to do this, I want him near me, I want to protect him. But not like this. Not as if he’s just some pet that I have to pamper. Explaining how I feel… I guess that’s not important any more._

_The fact is that Hinata doesn’t want any of it._

I finally work up the courage to shout it out. “You idiot Hinata, you’re the only person I can trust with this!”

There’s a shocked silence.

“Oh,” Hinata falters. “ _Oh!_ I’m sorry, I, ah, er, um, yeah.”

He clears his throat as I shift uncomfortably. I’m not sure if he can hear my heart beating. Even if he can’t hear it, then he can probably feel it.

_Ugh. I love you, Hinata. I wish I could get rid of it._

He starts again. “Well, I… I guess it varies between each person, but-”

Again, he falls silent.

“They’re a little like you, so just tell me,” I egg him on. “Well, they were up until recently,” I add, instantly regretting it. _I’m in danger of being too specific._

“What happened?” he asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I pause, then lie again. “It’s not too big of a difference though.”

_Lies._

_Lies._

_Lies._

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

_You should be sorry._

_But you shouldn’t. I can’t control you, I can’t control how you are or what you do with your life. I know that there’s not a way because I know you. Or, I knew you. I knew that you couldn’t be deterred from anything. I knew that you chose things with your heart rather than with your head. There’s no turning you back._

“Are they familiar with you?”

 _Of course._ “Very.”

“Volleyball Team?”

I scoff. “Like I’d let you narrow it down in any sort of way.”

“Oh c’mon! It’s not like I’ll ruin anything!”

I almost laugh at the irony in the statement. But in the end, I still have to pretend that the person I like isn’t the guy sitting on my lap. “Easier said than done, dumbass. I can only _imagine_ what you’ll do- no matter _if_ they’re on the volleyball team or not. Anyway, just tell me what you’d want them to do.”

He pauses, and I marvel at how he actually takes the time to give me a thoughtful response. _Even though I have no chance._

Then he speaks. “Well… I guess I can give you a list…”

“Anything is fine,” I nod eagerly, somehow through my gloom.

“Ok. One, I’d want it to be in a place where no one else would be there. So the other people’s noise doesn’t cover you up. Makes it more serious, and less likely for the person you’re confessing to to get distracted.”

“Two. Don’t touch them romantically, or stalk them from afar until you get a ‘yes’, or they’ll feel attacked.”

“Yeah.”

“Three. Even though you might want to, don’t cry on the spot if you get rejected.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll look like a wimp, a crybaby, or both.”

“Oh,” I think for a second. All these things I didn’t know. I wonder if he’d respond differently if he knew I wanted to confess to him specifically…

But for now, I guess I won’t be able to say anything at all.

I exhale and make to get up, saying, “I’ll get water,” pretty much only as an excuse to have a moment to myself.

“No,” Hinata lays a hand over my chest. “No, I’ll get it, okay?”

We stare for a long moment.

“Suit yourself,” I press the back of my hand against my forehead as I lean back and close my eyes.

He leaves.

_You can’t have him._

_You can’t be with him._

_You’re alone, Kageyama._

I suddenly want to cry.

My heart aches.

My hand feels cold as I clamp it over my mouth.

_Don’t hope._

_Don’t try._

_Don’t think._

_Don’t feel._

_Block it off._

_Block it off._

_BLOCK IT OFF!_

_You aren’t supposed to cry._

_You aren’t supposed to let this hurt._

_Don’t be weak._

_Let him go._

I sniff.

_Let._

_Him._

_Go._

_Let._

_Him._

_GO._

Then all of a sudden I’m yanked out of my head and into the present with his returning footsteps. Hoping he doesn’t notice, I wipe the traces of water from my eyes and sit still, trying to maintain a relatively relaxed reclining position.

I hear him flop onto the couch beside me, a few feet away.

_Oh Hinata. Oh Hinata. If only you knew the pain, the rampaging storm in my heart._

My sickness comes and attacks, and I lean forwards with a cough. Then I rest my head against the couch’s back again.

I can feel Hinata’s stare. “Are you okay?” he touches my shoulder. “Seriously, Kageyama, are you okay?” He shakes me a little.

“It’s nothing,” I push his hand away as gently as I can, reaching for my water.

“It’s not _nothing_ , Kageyama you hypocrite,” he goes for my head, but I stay his hand before he gets less than a foot away.

“It’s just a head cold, don’t mind me.”

“But you’re exhausted! Did I keep you up the whole night or something?”

 _Yes_.

“You know what, just drink the water and make sure the alcohol is out of your system,” I roll my eyes, and use my newfound freedom to just plain get up and take a few steps away from the couch. “Just because you’re not going to tell me anything about your situation doesn't mean I can’t take care of you.”

“But your head probably hurts like hell!” he insists.

“A head cold is nothing compared to what you’ve been and are still going through. Just let me, ok? I told you I’m not trying to hurt you,” I turn and walk away without giving him time to respond, hand reaching for the silver handle.

_But honestly, how is he doing?_

_Maybe his outsides are hurting more than my insides._

“Well?” I turn around in the door frame at the last second.

He stares blankly. “Well what?”

“How are your bruises and stuff?”

He squints for a second and then gives a sassy shrug. “It’s been only a week. Jeez, Kageyama, I’m ok.”

I squint right back. “Reaaaaaaallyy.”

He just continues to stare back, until I finally snort and go into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. I check the fridge, getting some eggs.

I’ll just boil them, I guess.

Giggling comes from the other room, and I turn to the noise.

Hinata stops laughing to say to himself, “you know, I guess he’s always going to be my strange little fluffy bunny babysitter. I’m not sure what to make of it.”

_Me?_

_Fluffy bunny?_

_What?_

“ _I HEARD THAT, YOU DUMBASS!”_

But all that comes back to me is more giggling, which intensifies when I start coughing from straining my voice. I just spit the phlegm into the trash, and keep going.

Eventually Hinata’s silent, I don’t know what he’s doing. But I’m staring into the pot of boiling water below me, watching the eggs sit there in the bottom…

_Alone…_

_Again…._

Just like middle school, all over again…

I grit my teeth, clenching my fists on the countertop on each side of the stove.

_Bear it, Kageyama._

_You knew this could happen._

_So just push away your pain._

_Learn from this pain._

I grip the countertop tighter, knuckles white.

_But I…_

_Hinata…_

_I just…._

This time I don’t bother to stop the tears.

_I feel like something’s been torn from my chest, but nothing’s different._

_He still doesn’t love me, and I love him._

_The only thing that’s different is that now…_

_I know…_

They stream down my face, glimmering as some drip into the boiling water, my boiling _emotions_. Some cling to my chin, then my throat, then dripping down into the inside of my shirt.

No, no, no.

More tears fall down, and I have to put a hand over my mouth to stop audible sobs from escaping my weak, panting lips.

_You’re so stupid, Kageyama._

_You need to let go._

I look up to see my reflection in the microwave door, to see my tear-stained cheeks and the lines they leave behind, shining in the morning sun. To see my hand over my mouth like a trap, a bond, a restraint.

_Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go._

_You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him._

My mind continues to complain.

_He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you._

_He already gave up and left. He already gave up and left. He already gave up and left. He already gave up and left. He already gave up and left. He already gave up and left. He already gave up and left._

And like magic, I can’t stop anymore. I can’t even try to hold my tears back anymore.

So they spill.

So they fall into the boiling water.

They fall into my boiling emotions, ready to scorch at any second.

_Goodbye, Hinata._

_I can’t love you anymore._

_I shouldn’t._

_I know more than ever._

_You don’t need my love._

_So this is goodbye, from my broken heart._

_Goodbye._

_Goodbye._

_Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm falling into the abyss of intrusive thoughts again 
> 
> ripperoni pepperoni


	20. Month I: Scene XIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama discovers something Hinata may not want him to know about...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> First, happy new year y'all! 
> 
> Second, I'm so sorry for not updating for so long, school has been so busy. I will also be uploading for Month II soon, please be patient!
> 
> Also, one of my friends told the school about my depression and stuff exactly as I was making moves to keep the school out, which is really frustrating and annoying because I know he had good intentions, and don't feel like I have the right to be angry about all this.

###  **Scene XIX**

 

I’m roused by voices coming from the front of Hinata’s apartment. Sitting up, I don’t recall falling asleep but I guess I did somehow. Maybe it’s just the sickness.

My ears focus in on Hinata’s voice first, which says, “-- can call me Shoyo, because having two Hinata’s might be confusing. And just so you know, my friend over there is sleeping, so just hold your voices--”

I stand, cutting him off before seeing who he’s speaking to. “Never mind that, I’m up, dumbass,” and I spot Natsu coming over to cling to my leg. She looks up with big, brown, and kind eyes, but I can see a sliver of hopelessness in there. 

_ Hopelessness? But why? _

My gaze briefly lingers on her body, taking note of how her skin is unmarred and white, looks almost exactly how Hinata’s used to be. I pat her on the head, murmuring that classic grown-ups thing about the kid being so grown up and so tall now and yada yada. She gives me a quick hug in return and steps off to the side.

My gaze goes back to Hinata, who is undeniably tense. Everything about his body says that he’s bristling with fear, and it’s all because of man I’ve never met before. It’s almost as if Hinata couldn’t be more obvious.

“Kikutake,” the new person introduces himself. His voice is… actually, a little beautiful. Full, and soothing. So why is Hinata afraid? He seems like a nice guy… or maybe Hinata already knows him, knows he’s done some stuff that’s scared him.

I glance around. Hinata’s mother and I exchange waves, she seems relaxed. Just as I thought, her persona tells the tale-- she’s too kind to bring herself to hit her children. She can’t be the one beating Hinata up, not to mention that Natsu hasn’t got a bruise on her.

_ So is this Kikutake person the one who’s bringing about Hinata’s misery? _

_ But Kikutake doesn’t seem to be doing anything to Hinata, I haven’t noticed any weird looks or weird body language from him. No malice, nothing that implies ‘I’ll spare you now, but will come back to get you later’.  _

_ This doesn’t make sense.  _

As soon as he turns away to have a conversation with Hinata’s mother, I flash Hinata a look.  _ You’re lucky I thought to clean up after you! Was this your first time drunk? Did your mother know, and if she didn't how would you explain this?  _

_ Thanks, Kageyama, I owe you one.  _

_ What you owe me is  _ _ information _ _.  _

_ Bah! Like I’d say anything. Anyway, you look terrible.  _

_ Me, terrible? Look at you. Anyway, who’s that guy? Why are you so tense all of a sudden?  _

Hinata shakes his head and in return I narrow my eyes, but so far it doesn’t seem as if he intends to answer my question. But in the end, he gives me a rare stern look and says, “I’m going to take Kageyama to lie down somewhere else, okay? Maybe in my room or something.”

_ So you  _ _ are _ _ going to answer my question.  _

He taps my hand behind all our backs and takes me to his room. My heart aches a little, knowing that wasn’t out of potential love, but I shove it aside. 

Hinata takes out a futon from the closet and gestures for me to sit on it.

“Hina-”

“Just sit there for a bit,” he calls over as he shoves around his notebooks. Unlike his single notebook from first year, the pages aren’t bent this way and that, but there are still a few unruly pages and corners. As he rushes to rearrange all the things on the tabletop next to his bed, a few of the notebooks fall to the floor. 

Each school subject has its own notebook. Although each individual book has numerous stains across both covers, the causes of damage on each are decidedly different. As I finish gathering up and stacking all of them, Hinata announces that he’s stepping out to do something real quick. 

I listen for the fading of his light footsteps before picking up the notebooks.

Casually skimming though, I see that many of the pages have footnotes. Just as I’d expect, each note begins with phrases indicating the source of the following information. Yachi’s name blankets the margins of both the History and Japanese Literature notebooks, while Tsukishima appears more in Science, leaving Yamaguchi’s name to be the majority of the Math notebook’s footnotes. As Hinata needs no help in English, there are no explanatory footnotes are to be found. 

After I set the stack on top of the desk, I scan the floor again to see if I missed anything. Socks, sweatshirt, volleyball magazine, one random sock, a pair of girl’s socks, presumeably Natsu’s… but poking out from under the ground-reaching covers beside me is a small, black leather-bound notebook, completely hidden save for the corner. 

Bending down, I pick it up and examine it, intrigued by how different it is from the notebooks still lingering beside me. Its smooth, pristine front cover goes untouched except for Hinata’s name, which is handwritten in finely printed silver sharpie. Nothing else marrs the smooth surfaces of the book. 

Out of all the items in the Tornado Room (as Nishinoya once dubbed this place), this book seems misplaced. As if its neatness shouldn’t belong here. And quite frankly, it doesn’t.

But that handwriting is unquestionably Hinata’s. 

“……”  I pause.  _ Also, being in plain sight and the lack of dust imply that it has been used recently, in fact, it’s probable that the notebook has never left this roo--   _

But I hear his footsteps nearing so I snap the book shut and make sure to leave it right where it was and just make sure the school notebooks are just on the table and just barely manage to get to the futon and sit on it and pretend nothing happened before Hina--

“Hey Kageyama,” he murmurs as he tosses a trash can and a tissue box next to me, and I gratefully take it and blow my nose. 

“Hinata,” I croak.

He raises his hand, and I let him lay it on my forehead, at which he says, “you’ve gotten worse. I’m going to take your temperature. I’ll be right back, I left the thermometer in the bathroom.”

I nod and he rises, turning off the lights. I throw a glance at the desk, at the notebook, but know that if I try to read it Hinata will catch me, and that won’t be good. Staring at the desk only increases my curiosity. I then stare at the now closed door, wondering when Hinata is going to come back. 

My gaze falls to the desk again. 

_ Get the notebook. _

_ Don’t get the notebook.  _

_ Get the notebook. _

_ Don’t get the notebook.  _

_ Get the notebook. _

_ Don’t get the notebook.  _

I get up, striding over to the table, sweeping up the small thing. Maybe it’s only my bias and the weight of guilt, but the notebook seems heavier than it should be. Trying to clear my mind, I shut my eyes and flip open the front cover. For a moment, I keep my them shut, still debating on whether or not to close the book and put it away. But in the end, I surrender.

 

**This notebook belongs to Hinata Shoyo.**

 

**Start Date: 04/01/--**

**End Date: ---/---/---**

 

_ That’s strange.  _ None of his other notebooks begin like this, the first pages all just start with quickly scrawled notes, and the top might have a name and an email address. And the dates in here are weird too, no others have specifics like that. The End Date also isn’t filled out, which means that the notebook is probably still in use. 

_ A journal. _

I take a breath before flipping open the front cover.

Nothing. 

The next few pages, however, have lines and lines of writing, some of it neatly printed like the cover, and some completely illegible, as if trying to write during a panic attack or something.

Closing the book and putting it back under the bed in the same angle I found it, I try my best to make it look like it hasn’t been disturbed. 

That’s when Hinata practically falls back into the room. 

And he literally falls, against the door, sinking to the floor, curling into himself. 

“Wh… what happened?” Shaken, I touch his shoulder and take him into my arms. “Hey, Hinata--”

He begins to cry, saying nothing. 

“Hinata,” my voice is filled with apprehension.

Before I can say anything more, one of his small hands comes up to my shoulder, gripping it in a sort of desperate way. He whispers, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

His grief steals away my heart to question. For some time, I just let him cry, half waiting for him to say something else. Rubbing the sides of his arms seems to soothe him slightly, and soon enough he relaxes into my hands. The tears go down his cheeks and his chest heaves, but he says nothing, not fully calming down either.

“We’ve been through this before, Hinata,” I say under my breath, and then louder, “You don’t know how much you mean to me,” The sentence is so arbitrary, but I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what happened, so I can’t address it. I let another arbitrary sentence spill from my lips. “I forgive you- just know that I will always forgive you.”

“I want this to stop,” he quivers against me, curling in tighter on himself, gasping things like “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and "I wish there was a way out of this mess."

“No, look. There  _ is _ a way,” I shake my head, grabbing a tissue and handing it to him. “Do you still believe that I can't help you?”

He groans softly. “You’re the only reason why I’m still  _ alive _ .”

I hug him tighter. “Well… I’m here.”

Then he apologizes again.  “I’m sorry I have to stay silent like this, but just…” he reaches up to me, weakly pulling me to him as he cries harder. 

My heart aches. I don’t want to see him in so much pain. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” I start, then following with, “Dumbass, I’m going to stay with you until I see the old you back.”

“I’m sor-”

I cut him off. “Don’t apologize if there’s nothing to apologize for. Even if you hide, just make sure that you don’t straight up lie to me.”

He grabs at my hand, landing on my wrist, but I give him my hand and lace our fingers together. “I won’t lie, from here on out, I promise not to lie…” he falls against my chest, sobbing into the fabric of my shirt. 

Still holding his hand, I hug him, wrapping my free arm as far around him as I can, in the most protective hug I’ve ever given. Swept away by my hold, he continues to quiver like a blizzard has come, crying for whatever happened in those two minutes he was gone. 

_ If he’s always like this… going away for two minutes only to start crying at the drop of a dime… then I don’t know what to do.  _

_ Perhaps the notebook will give me answers…? But if I’ve never seen it before and it’s obviously so well kept, it must be very precious to Hinata and I don’t want to touch that.  _

Slowly, over time, his breathing calms slightly and I stop feeling the endless flow of tears on my shirt, but he still doesn’t let go. I still hold him close, like a koala, like a mother cat to her kittens. 

_ I need him, and he needs me. _

_ On the acid banks of this pond, I am coming to realize that I can do little more than hold Hinata’s hand and watch. Within the acid, I can see shapes, vague forms of what seems to be tearing him down, tearing him apart. I know that I might not be able to fish him out of this mess… and I know it’s going to make me suffer…  _

_ But for now, he’s alive. _

_ And that’s all that matters.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading as always  
> please comment


	21. Month I, Scene XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MASSIVE TW FOR PANIC ATTACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it isn't really well written, I feel like I could have done that better.

###  Scene XX

 

A loud thud jerks me out of my haze, and I drop the pan I’ve been scrubbing for who knows how long, making a louder clatter. 

“Hinata?” I call over to the other room, rinsing the soap off my hands. “Hinata, is anything-- oh, shit. Oh, no no, Hinata--”

Hunched over and quivering in the middle of the living room, Hinata is dry sobbing, hands balled together into fists, the tiny things clutched to his chest, almost as if trying to make himself look at small as possible. 

In no time I’m at his side, barely catching him as his knees give out. 

“Fuck-- Hinata--”

His weight loss startles me, and I almost drop him because of it. Gripping him by the armpits, feeling his ribs dig into the palms of my hands, I lower him to the floor in front of me. I kneel in front of him, trying to think of ways to calm his hysteria.

“Hinata, you’re okay, you’re okay, look at me,” I place my hands against his upper arms, on triceps that were once very powerful. Strong, like I need to be now, strong, like my will to protect my crush… 

_ Friend… _

My attention is snapped back by Natsu emerging from a room little ways down the hallway. “N-no… Nats-natsu…!” I rapidly stroke the sides of Hinata’s arms, panicked. “H… Hina…”

Holding his hands to his head, Hinata clutches at his scalp and groans. His breathing going from quick pants to a more desperate, almost choking sound. His legs are limp and in the ‘double-u’ position, awkwardly bent in angles that don’t seem even remotely comfortable.

My gaze whips back to Natsu but she doesn’t need any words, only ambling over to Hinata’s side. She too kneels down, running a hand from his temple, through the hair that mirrors wilting marigolds, marigolds that I might have given Hinata if we were…

_ Boyfriends… _

But I… 

_ I  _ _ don’t _ _ love him, I  _ _ don’t _ _ love him, I  _ _ don’t _ _ love him, I  _ _ don’t _ _ love him!  _ I try to convince myself, but too many thoughts all jam together. It’s ineffective. I can feel my heart start to beat faster, fueled by my self-hatred, my desperation, and the tension I can feel hissing in the air like the static in an old television… 

Natsu takes Hinata’s hand, and he squeezes ba ck as if trying to grab onto a life ring. But this jealousy is muted, muffled as I suppress it with my worry for Hinata in this moment; in his spasm of sobbing, in the panic, he must be feeling right now. His knuckles turn white beside the few band-aids on his skin. 

“Lev, Lev!” he calls out faintly, shaking his head, real tears now dripping out of his eyes and down his cheeks. “How could I…”

“Shh, Nii-chan, shh…” Natsu grips his shoulder with her free hand but to no avail.

Hinata just grimaces, letting out a raw and guttural moan. As if to alleviate the frustration, he begins to violently yank at his hair, as if trying to tear it out. 

“Hinata-!” I jolt when he suddenly falls to the ground beside me, tears puddling on the wood below the bridge of his nose. “Hinata!”

He keeps panting, hyperventilating, the hand his sister isn’t holding now snaked around his throat. He tries to form words, but they come out as incoherent and spacey strands of syllables, whose pacing gets faster and faster with the end of every sentence until he’s run out of breath and is just making these horrid, dry noises that sound like some kind of suffering animal. 

I seize the wrist of the rapidly closing hand, prying it off. Yellow-white ovals linger for a couple seconds in the place where his finger pads were previously. 

Hinata grips my hand, yanks me closer, and full out screams into my chest. No words, just a sound that hints at a loss so great, it can never be fulfilled. 

I almost cry just from hearing his wails.

“Hinata, you’re okay now, what happ-”

Natsu shushes me with a finger on my lip. She shakes her head, as if to say,  _ he can’t hear you _ . 

“Let me go…” he murmurs but pulls at my shirt even harder. “Let me go…”

He rolls onto his back, splaying out his…

No.

_ What? _

This can’t be happening. 

“ _ Hinata- _ ! Oi!” Blood gushes out of his side, and I see his hands scratching at other scabs. I grab his hands, preventing them from moving as he jerks around and squirms. Natsu lays her own hands on the wound that’s bleeding the most-- a re-opened gash at the bottom of his rib cage-- and finally, Hinata becomes more still. 

“Oi, dumbass,” I beg, my voice cracking with its weakness and my overall shock from seeing Hinata’s current condition. “Don’t do this! Don’t hurt yourself!” I cry out. “Please.”

Hinata gurgles out mostly incoherent words, but I catch him murmuring something about how this is something that feels good. 

“How on  _ earth _ is this supposed to feel  _ good _ ?!” Shocked, I look to Natsu, who just shakes her head again, looking down and repositioning her hands.

“Did I say that out loud…?” he asks as if to himself, and fear shoots through me faster than any other emotion at any other time I’ve ever felt before. Hinata is  _ just  _ _ this _ _ unstable _ . 

His hands continue to halfheartedly struggle against my powerful grip, but as the moments pass he fights harder and harder until he shrilly grits out, “Just. Leave. Me. ALONE!”

“I am  _ not _ leaving!” I bellow right back at him, cursing under my breath and-- “Natsu, please  _ just fucking MOVE!” _

I need to make sure Hinata can get out of this, that Hinata will stop whatever this is and just go back to how he used to be. “I refuse to let you go! Not when you are going to do… this!”

Natsu goes.

I turn back to Hinata, who presses his bloody hands against his dark eyelids while I push up his shirt and clumsily try to wipe the blood from his side. “Listen to me, Hinata… please…”

He draws in rapid breaths. He tries to speak. I don’t understand.

Letting out tears of my own on the inside, I wrap my arms around him and pull him up into a full sitting position. I uncross my legs and outstretch them while lifting his legs to lay over mine. Thankfully, he doesn’t try to pull the ‘double-u’ thing on me again. 

“Not yet,” I hear my shaky voice trying to soothe him, but this overall action has exhilarated me, and I almost have no way to deal with this panic attack, anxiety attack, whatever kind of attack this even is… “You’re not giving up yet.”

He doesn’t look into my eyes, as he is still pressing his fingers against his eyeballs and can’t see me. When I take hold of his arm again, he flinches, but his breathing begins to calm. His head rests on my shoulder, and it’s not long before I can feel the tears soaking through. He tries to speak, but instead of listening I just wrap my arms around him and run my hand through his hair. Clinging to me like I am a life preserver or a PFD, he scratches my back, with small, fingers-only movements, as desperate as a starving wolf. 

“Don’t think about that now, okay Hinata? Just be here. Look at me. Look at me in the eyes,”  I pause to let him decide if he wants to move or not, now that his initial panic is over. 

After around ten prolonged seconds, he just shakes his head and murmurs, “I can’t. I can’t do this to you… I can’t let this happen… I don’t want to say it… I don’t want to talk about this… Kageyama… I don’t…”

As he falters, I pat his hair and back again, sweeping a loose curl from his eyes to behind his ear. “Look at me. No questions, remember? You don’t have to tell me anything. Okay?”

He just cries harder, ducking his head down even further into my chest as if in shame, his fingers digging harder into my shoulder blades. 

“Who knows what or where I’d be without you,” I speak softly now, crooning to his weak being. “So please, look up. If you’re not doing it for yourself, do it for me. Please. I’m  _ begging _ you.” 

He groans again. “I can’t. Kageyama, I actually fucking don’t know if I can,” he pauses for a second to wipe away tears. “This is all my fault. I have to do this al--”

I cut him off before he can finish. “Not alone. No. I won’t allow that. Not alone.”

He furiously shakes his head. “But--”

I silence him with strokes to his back. “No buts, Hinata. Just look at me.”

Loosening my grip, I let him withdraw around half a foot. His arms slide down my side and come to rest on my hips. With the softest voice I can muster, I ask, “Do you see me?”

“I do.”

“Good. Now I want you to breathe. Remember how you calmed down before matches,” again, I run a hand through his hair, and let it fall to his shoulder. “Deep breaths, alright?”

Instead, his breathing quickens, and he begins to hyperventilate again and he hunches over and holes upon himself and I don’t know what to--

_ Stay calm _ . 

I hold out my hand, Hinata takes it with both of his and squeezes. His knuckles turn white and my hand starts to ache, but I take it and bear it. With my free hand, I touch his chest, the place right over his heart. “It hurts here, right? Right here.”

He nods but starts to cry again. I don’t know why, but I choose not to worry about it yet. “Stay with me now,” I murmur.

He doesn’t utter a word, so I just hug him again. 

“Just like this is fine. Don’t hurt yourself, okay? It hurts me to see you like this.”

“Does it?”

“Of course it fucking does,” At this he lets out a gasping sob, hesitantly reaching up from my hips, up my back, to my shoulders. Every few inches he pauses, trailing the very tips of his fingers on my muscles. 

“Breathe, Hinata.”

Over his shoulder, Natsu stands in the doorway to the hallway, watching me. Our eyes make contact, and she gives a curt nod. A kind of understanding passes between us, and I find it hard to believe that the aged gaze she gives me is one attached to grade schooler. 

The traces of Hinata’s sobs echo throughout the otherwise silent apartment. His thin frame trembles, like a cat would if it had just come inside from being trapped in a rainstorm.

_ Which I guess, is partially true _ . 

He only holds me delicately, as if afraid that I’ll break if he dares use any force as if to negate any thoughts I've ever had about his strength. In return, I give him a small squeeze to tell him that it’s ok, that everything will be ok, that nothing ever could matter right now, or ever. I let my eyes shut, trying to let calm ebb into my flustered mind like water slowly seeps through the dirt.

As the minutes tick by, his breathing slows and his muscles begin to relax. In the end, he cries himself to sleep.

 

 

When I finally find the strength within my own self to look up, I’m taken aback when I reach to my cheeks-- and find that tears are streaming down my face without warning, reason, or consent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading ppl  
> im sorry my mental health has been so bad rip


	22. Month I, Scene XXI

###  Scene XXI

 

After it’s clear Hinata probably isn’t going to wake up if I move, I tenderly lay him down on the ground beside me. Hinata’s eyes are closed, his arms folded over his chest, remaining inert, and his breathing is noiseless and hushed. Around me, most of the lights are off and all but one of the curtains are drawn. Altogether, they give the room the atmosphere of a funeral home. At least, what I’d imagine a funeral home to feel like anyway.

It’s only when I see the smaller redhead again that I realize she’s still there. For a pregnant minute, she only stands in the door frame to the hallway, just like before. Behind her, the corridor glows a soft, dim yellow light, turning her unmarked skin gold. Her face remains still, shrouded in darkness as it faces away from the light, towards Hinata and I. In her arms, she wordlessly carries a pillow, clutching it to her chest.

As she finally takes a few steps forward, she holds the pillow out to me and points at Hinata’s head.  _ An offering,  _ I think, but dismiss the thought as I tuck it under Hinata’s curls, making sure the position won’t strain his neck. 

An awkward moment passes. 

“Are you okay?” I ask, mostly to fill space. 

“Yeah,” she answers shortly, and lets a long pause last between us. 

I can feel her even gaze on the back of my neck as I duck my head and close my eyes. “Hey, um, I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. That… wasn’t very nice of me, I just got really caught up…”

“I understand,” she looks into my eyes for a quick second and nods. “Nii-chan has these kinds of attacks sometimes, and I got really scared the first time I saw it happen. I know your fear. Don’t be sad, it means that you care.”

_ How the hell is she only, like, ten years old?  _ Taking in a breath, I start to apologize. “I’m sorry you have to see this kind of stuff. I mean, I don’t know what’s really happening, or how and why Hinata is getting all these marks, but it must be troubling for you to see.”

“Nii-chan is strong.”

I nod, trying to think of what to say. Something proper, something fitting, something to console this strangely mature child. “As are you. Part of me thinks that he’s falling apart, I need you to be strong for him. Please.”

She smiles at me, a smile that recognizes what I’ve said but does nothing to tell me she’ll follow through. Or perhaps I shouldn’t even really hold her up to my words… she is just a child after all. Maybe she can’t follow through even if she tried… 

“Thanks for understanding,” I give her a quick bow, touching my forehead to the ground. “Now, please help me get a first aid kit, will you?”

“Ok.”

After sending a last look down at her brother, she trots off and down the hallway. 

I sigh as I stand. Going into the kitchen, I wash my hands fill a bowl with some warm water. Its shush, the water on the bowl’s inside surface, serves to calm me, but only slightly. I can’t shake the panic and the fear and the fast beating of my heart. 

I go back to set it on the floor. 

Part of me feels numb and is still processing the anxiety attack I just witnessed… this, I guess, is the side of me that Hinata changed. The side Karasuno changed. All the empathy I’ve ever had or experienced or just known in general is concentrated here. This is the source of my kindness. 

_ Is that why I care so much…? _

Another part is paying no mind, already on to the next task… the king’s side of me. Selfish, cruel, and vain, working to be the single best one, only working to win. 

_ I miss you, Hinata. _

With a start, I realize that I was just stroking Hinata’s head, his hair’s curls lacing around my fingers. I stand, heart faintly pounding… the noise like a volleyball on a gym floor…  

Natsu’s arrival brings me back into reality again. Beside the sleeping Hinata and I, she sets down the first aid kit, a few bottles of ointment and sanitizers, and some towels. From her pocket, she pulls a box of bandaids.

“Thank you, Natsu.”

She nods and kneels beside me, both of us on Hinata’s right, watching as I roll my sleeves up and begin to take off his shirt. 

“Holy shit…”

I almost can’t look at the number of wounds, the way they mark his skin. I almost wince at how old the bandages are. Bloodstains are visible through what was white and is now gray, and the bandages themselves have sustained some other damage, violence that probably happened after he put them on.

_ Violence…  _

My fingers trace the old bandages.  _ What the hell is actually happening… why can’t he tell me anything? _

_ What’s been happening that he can’t even refresh his bandages? _

I pop open the first aid kit. After rummaging around, I pull out band-aids and bandages, scissors, tweezers and some disinfectant. Picking up the scissors, I cut at the collection of gauze, cloth, and medical tape, peeling them away from his body and discarding them into a pile beside me. “Natsu?”

“Hmm?”

“Does Hinata… does he get these attacks a lot? Like, once a week?”

She takes a second to think. “I’m usually in bed much earlier than he is, but sometimes I have difficulty falling asleep. Nii-chan goes to sleep very late, and probably has these… attacks… when I’m not awake to see them. But I’ve heard him crying alone at night a lot.”

“Do you… are all of these injuries… are they his own doing?”

Natsu stays silent. 

I put down the tweezer. “Please tell me, Natsu.”

She’s careful not to meet my eyes. “Nii-chan told me not to say anything to anyone. So I won’t.”

Doing my best not to frown, but failing, I clasp my hands together and try again. “I’m his best friend. I need to  _ know _ .”

“I’m sorry, Kageyama-kun,” and she doesn’t say anything as she carefully picks up the old bandages, crumpling them into a ball. She makes to get up, turning her back as she walks away--

“Is it himself?” 

She looks back at me, at my hand closed around her wrist. She can’t fight.

“At least tell me this. Just this, and I promise I won’t ask anything else tonight.”

The silence of the house is deafening. 

At last, she spills. “I don’t think it all comes from him. But I don’t really know how much hurt he does to himself.” 

I nod, taking my hand away. “Thanks. I just… needed to know that.”

She does nothing to acknowledge what I just said. Once more she turns her back and leaves, and I go back to Hinata’s injuries. Calling out, I ask her to bring a something to fan Hinata’s injuries, because they need air. 

A minute later, Natsu comes back with the old bandages in a mini trash can, along with an old purple folder with her name scrawled on the front. She sets everything down at my side. 

Taking a minute to let my absent mind attempt to relax, I fan Hinata at a slow pace. His hair ruffles with every beat, and his sleeping face looks peaceful enough to reminds me of this morning.

_ Or was that yesterday morning…? _

Still trying to come out of my daze, I wet a towel, and begin to dab at the freshly dried blood on his left side. The crimson comes away easily, but leaves a stain on the otherwise white towel I’m holding. I rinse off all the cuts a few more times, being especially careful with the areas with fragile skin or scabs.

Just as I did last week, I open the bottles and disinfect all the wounds and make sure the skin around them looks healthy. Fortunately none of the cuts look infected, although some look irritated. Soon enough, the fumes and smell of rubbing alcohol fill the room. 

I find a staple on his right side, but when I look at it more closely I see a long scar running under it. The staple was holding his cut together… like a surgical staple, except not a surgical staple. And if there’s a scar, he probably doesn’t need it. 

I reach for the shiny metal, but then hesitate.  _ Getting the staple off would be painful and could wake him up, and I don’t want that. It would be better to just disinfect this one. _

And so I move on.

There’s glass on his lower left rib cage…

I pause again, my gaze going to Hinata’s face. It suddenly occurs to me that his silence is eerie, as if he’s already dead. Almost like I’m a doctor, trying and failing to do a procedure correctly on him, and he could die at any moment. 

My eyes flash dimly.

_ This seems like a haunted surgery. _

My head, my vision, and my hearing all begin to swim. 

Something falls out of my hand, I think it’s the scissors, or the tweezers, or the cloth, and before I know it I’m kneeling on all fours at Hinata’s side, trying to dispel the thoughts that keep whirling and whirling and writhing around in my brain--

For a second, I bury my head in my hands, just trying to sort out the muddiness. Trying to remember each thought and trying to keep organized. 

But the thoughts don’t do anything and just lie there,  _ lie there like the useless fool-- _

“Kageyama-kun?” 

I look up to find Natsu poking at my hand. 

Shaking my head, I murmur. “Sorry. It’s just… weird. I spaced out for a second, don’t mind it.”

I snatch up the tweezers again, pinching the ends together a couple times before wiping them off and pinching again. I pause just before pulling out a piece of glass. 

I’m startled when Natsu reaches for the extra tweezers. “Hey!”

“Let me help.”

I hesitate. 

“ _ I want to help Nii-chan _ !” she insists, her voice hard. 

In the end, I nod. “Two hands better than one… just be  _ careful _ .”

“I’ll be careful because I’m helping Nii-chan.”

“He’s very important to you.”

“He’s my brother!”

“Yeah, yeah, I figured.”

Silently, we begin to work over Hinata, Pulling out whatever bits and pieces of foreign material we can find. We apply rubbing alcohol and other ointments, a couple other things, and I use the tweezers again to pull out any loose skin flaps and other things that could potentially be bothersome. When the time comes, Natsu helps me with the bandages and tape. 

When we finally finish, I ask Natsu if I can stay the night again, and she agrees. As I give her thanks, I ask her if she needs anything and if she doesn’t, then she should brush her teeth and go to bed. I text my mom, telling her some random excuse about studying or something, and she says it’s alright too. 

After putting away all the medical supplies, I knock on Natsu’s room’s door. “Goodnight, Natsu.”

“Night, Kageyama-kun.”

Returning to the front room, I gather Hinata’s lifeless body in my arms, cradling him close to me, with me hunched over him as if to shield him from the silence and darkness. Craving his warmth, wondering how we’ve ended up here, wondering what’s driving Hinata now.

_ I am no closer to pulling Hinata out of the acid pond, but at least, I still have him with me.  _

The building creaks, disrupting the silence. 

Rousing myself, I pick both of us up and carry him to his bed, and as I do so all the torrents of romantic feelings come spilling out again. Wanting to kiss him, wanting to make sure he’s alright, wanting to keep him with me… I’d shut them down, but my mental energy is somewhat drained now. 

After draping Hinata on the bed and tucking him in, I lay spread eagle on the futon he laid out for me earlier. Staring at the ceiling, I draw in a large breath and let it out. As I smooth out the corners, I force myself to try processing everything that’s happened. 

Me getting sick, Hinata getting drunk, then when we were being maniacs together and me believing that something romantic between us could work, him rejecting my feelings, seeing his mother, meeting Kikutake, and above all, the anxiety attack, him crying with me, mending his wounds, getting to… finally…  

Sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can i just... die

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,
> 
> Will try to update ASAP, which is around every week and a half (because I always have to delete stuff and rewrite and find better words and all that). DO read (or at least skim) the comments, sometimes I put important notifications in there.
> 
> It's actually really hard to go back and write from a new perspective, because I keep realizing that there are things that I totally should have done and shouldn't have done, and I know that there are a lot of things that i should do with Kageyama's version to give him a different voice from the tortured Hinata. Sorry! Well, this fic has helped be grow immensely as a writer, so I feel great about what i'm doing so far. 
> 
> So, laters! :)


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